Separated and still in the same house

[dontaskme]

Try to keep the conversation with her to an absolute minimum... Only when it is necessary. No more talks about the relationship, who's at fault, blah, blah, etc. She's out of control and crazy enough to spy on your daughters. I wouldn't be surprised if she will use the information against you to get what she wants when you file for divorce. She is a psychopath. Sorry you are going through this but the sooner you move out, the better it will be for you and your children.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

If it were me I would get a second mortgage or consolidate the debt and buy her portion out, then get a roommate to cover costs. Then you don't have to sell and she's out of your life.

[JohnPeel]

I wish I could buy her out but no way of doing that. The house has no mortgage as invested everything I had into it. I have no debts because I at least managed to be strong enough in that area (I know, there are other areas I needed to be even stronger but wasn't). She has nearly 30k of debt on credit cards and her shop not doing well. And just last night she demanded that I give 2k from my 5k I have stashed. I told her no way, so she really kicked off then, but I managed to keep some cool until she left my room.

My old time friend and pro boxer called me last night to ask me how I was getting on. I told him I wasn't doing very well at all. He asked me to his place with his family for Xmas dinner and to stay over the night, which was really nice of him, but I am with my own family Xmas so we will get together another night. This guy is as hard as nails in the ring as you would imagine, but the nicest guy out of it. He says things as they are and never ever tries to big himself up.

He said (in words and in an order roughly like this) "don't feel awkward about staying over at our house, it's only HER that thinks of you as a pr#ck. She doesn't want to know your kids, your family or your friends, and she is full of sh#t and torturing you, and your letting her. What happened to you buddy, you were never like this, come back to us we want you back. She doesn't deserve a good man like you, let me go a couple of rounds with her in the ring (i told him he would lose ). I Can hear it in you that you are still holding on to her hoping she will want to make it work or something. She isn’t worth your effort buddy and you should be hoping she meets someone else so she is out of your life for good. You haven't been the same since you met her and she is making you sick. Get your weight down, sort your fitness out and look after yourself and just do what you want to do and try to move on as best you can. You were there for me when I was going through my own sh#t, and I will be there for you".

He asked me if she had any family problems that might have made her this way, and I told him she was exactly like her dad who was a real bastard to her mum. While she was visiting her mum a few months ago she was sat on the lounge chair with her mum and sister, when the phone rang and her dad answered it. The women were still talking so her dad kicked her mum in the leg and told her to shut up. He is really nice and funny, but then this really nasty side comes out spitting venom and making demands to everyone.

I told my mate about how I was bringing the washing in off the line a couple of months ago, and as I was folding it over my arm as I was taking it off the line, she come up to me, dragged the washing from arm and said GIVE IT HERE! in a really nasty way. I asked what was wrong and there was no need for that, but she just said that it was a pet hate and it would mean the clothes needed ironing.

What she did that day went through me, because we were invited to her mum and dads for Xmas dinner last year, and while we were at the table, her dad said "where are the bloody chesnuts (to her mum), and she quickly got up to get them. When she brought them back in with the pan, he snatched it out of her hand saying "GIVE IT HERE!".

My mate said "well that's where she get's that from then, and do you really want to be treated like her mum for the rest of your life, move on and let her go. Do it for you and your children you deserve better. You know I would normally keep out of sh#t like this, but you need to listen to me, suck it up and hold your chest up high like you used to".

[smackie9]

IMO you are best to seek out financial advice at your bank to get her out and all this settled. Since there is no mortgage, you can use the equity in the house for a mortgage to pay her portion. I had to do this to pay my brother out when settling my dad's estate. I got to keep the house, he got his money. This would be a good time to do it since she is so desperate for cash.

[JohnPeel]

I know what you are saying, but months ago I phoned the bank and asked about this. They said there is nothing I can do because to buy her out would mean I would need another 2 jobs to pay off the amount I would be boroughing before retirement age. They said I would need to show in my books that I could afford a 150k mortgage. The house is on for 320k with no mortgage, so she will require half of that. Its too much for me to get. But I would do it in a heartbeat if I could. I love the house.

I tell you what, how about YOU buy me out smackie9 and live here with her, she is really hot and sexy? Oh, and as a person she is out of this world!

[dontaskme]

I tell you what, how about YOU buy me out smackie9 and live here with her, she is really hot and sexy? Oh, and as a person she is out of this world!

Lolololol....

[smackie9]

I know what you are saying, but months ago I phoned the bank and asked about this. They said there is nothing I can do because to buy her out would mean I would need another 2 jobs to pay off the amount I would be boroughing before retirement age. They said I would need to show in my books that I could afford a 150k mortgage. The house is on for 320k with no mortgage, so she will require half of that. Its too much for me to get. But I would do it in a heartbeat if I could. I love the house.

I tell you what, how about YOU buy me out smackie9 and live here with her, she is really hot and sexy? Oh, and as a person she is out of this world!

I'm a 50year old woman....I need better than that lol.

[JohnPeel]

I'm a 50year old woman....I need better than that lol.

Oh, I didn't spot that .

[woody]

J.P
Just listen to your boxer friend, your family and keep coming back here for support from us. Your doing better than you think. Get through the holidays, keep moving forward and continue fighting for your rights to a good life. I really hope you meet someone else. Perhaps if another lady came into the pic, the ex would take the hint and move out herself.

[JohnPeel]

I have a date for tomorrow night, with a lovely woman who has two children the same age as my own. We are both looking forward to it and I have to admit to feeling really nervous. I know we have talked about co-dependency and my likely having a big problem with it, and I will keep I mind and work with all I have learned over the past few months, and NOT make the same mistakes again

Oh, and I watched Gone Girl yesterday, and I can tell you that it was one scary movie with regard to the husband and wife and their issues. It was like watching my own life in a large part (the part without the crime and a couple of other issues). Some of the things she says and the things he does and …… well I can’t tell you anymore you really have to watch this movie.

[Wakeup]

You're dating too soon. You're still living with your wife and when you're not even separated the only women you're going to end up with are one's that don't have the personal boundaries to keep themselves away from men that have yet severed one relationship before starting another.

You're doing well but you've only taken baby steps to get yourself so that you're happy while single. Another sure fire way to find yourself embroiled with a controlling ass-clown like the one you married is to not be able to be alone with yourself.

[woody]

Just take things S L O W

[Wakeup]

He's apparently incapable of taking it slow. He's not got the tools honed yet (through the help of his therapist) to suss out garbage women nor does he have the strength yet to leave them when he does discover they're rubbish.

.. No offence John, just sayin. If nothing else, discuss dating in general with your therapist and see what comes out of that discussion. You don't want to end up out of the frying pan and into the fire.

[JohnPeel]

I am to see my therapist again on the 8th Jan, and will talk with her about this. There seems to be a lot of people able to be happy on their own, but I have never been out of a relationship for more than a few months in my life, and in those few months I have always had casual dates. To be alone with myself is a place I don't know. At this moment in time, I feel that trying to work on being alone with myself is not possible, as I am not alone, and not able to see how being alone with myself is a good thing for me.

I have tried to look at what it would be like if she moved out and I was then alone. I know it would be a much better way to live, being able to have my fiends and family and my daughters come over when they want, and being able to come and go without the fear of getting more abuse in the times in between. I know you are not saying that I have be able to be able to be alone forever, and to just feel I am able to live alone and be happy with myself before seeking out a new relationship so that I can give the other person all the good I have to give, without the crap I carry around like a monkey on my back right now, and to not NEED to be with someone and end up in a situation like this one. I get that, I really do, and I would love to be that man.

I am just concerned about how much worse I will feel when she moves on while still living here, and I know it looks like I am just wanting to beat her to the punch, but having someone other to focus on and enjoy being around is where I am with it. Hoping too that it will help make it easier to cope. I also get that if I find a woman that is prepared to put up with my situation, she could likely be yet another major problem for me.

I have a huge stone 300 year old pigsty in the garden that I started to turn into a workshop when we were in a relationship, and it has just sat there wanting me to complete it and start back to work making furniture, but I have little motivation to work on while she is around and feeling the way I do, but maybe now is the time to start back working on it and start building my business for when I leave here. Focusing on getting my health and fitness back to a point where I feel confident about myself is also a priority and these last few weeks I have let that slip.

[woody]

Well don't let it slip too far away. You've done too much to go back now. Just keep doing things to take your mind off of her and all the surrounding stuff.

Man, your doing better than you think in my opinion.
I also started a thread for us folks here titled, ' Say something you can't say to their face' My first post on the thread is about my sister telling her stuff I can't quite bring myself to say to her in person.
Perhaps you could drill some stuff out you'd like to say to your ex but won't in person. You never know, might help if you don't mind sharing that is; but may I remind you, we all be anonymous here.

Keep up the therapy. Sorry about pushing my thread on you. I want it to help and I believe many of us have things we'd like to say to someone that we simply can't for some reason or other. I thought the thread could help.

You have shared much with us here and I really hope people have helped you. Your situation has tugged on many of us and I know by what all have said to you, that people care for your well being and your continued success on your road back to YOU.