Questionable personality traits - long post

[Everylemontree]

I'm struggling here and I'd really like some input.

I (26f) have been dating someone (26m) for nine months. We met at university. Neither of us were looking for anything in particular but we hit it off and decided to be in a monogamous relationship. About three months in he told me he was in love with me and I returned the feelings. Things have progressed very appropriately, sex is great, the relationship has been one of the most mutual and healthy I have ever been in and it's felt wonderful.

However, things have been feeling off to me lately and I'm having trouble deciding what to make of it all. Communication has always been great on my side - I've been open with him about issues, and he's responded well, taken it seriously, and been actively addressing my concerns. I always offer him opportunities to talk to me about anything he wants to, and he's thanked me for being so compassionate and understanding… But he's never actually brought anything up. He's always hovered around answers like “you're just too perfect” which is obviously bullshit, but I figured he will come to me when he needs to.

This past week I brought him to my hometown to meet my family and have Christmas with me. I met his family about three months in, which I thought was early but it went really well, so this felt like a normal next step. The morning before we were due to go to my extended family's house, I felt off. I had been anxious because going home always makes me anxious, never mind having my new boyfriend come with me. I also am very sensitive to other people's emotions, and knew something was up. Something small happened – the coffee shop we were going to spend a few hours at ended up being closed, his mood soured over what I didn't think was a huge deal, but then he said that “being away from home for so long was a bad idea” because he couldn't exercise or work on his papers as much as he'd like, and it makes him anxious. He is also a home body and an introvert, so he feels his best in his own place. I told him that was hurtful because I was doing all I can to give him time to work on his papers (hence us going to the coffee shop to begin with) and that I know meeting a SO’s family is stressful but I did it for him gladly. After some prodding he finally talked. He brought up a few issues he had had with me over the past few months which were relatively minor and easily resolvable. I took the opportunity to express my feelings – I felt like he hasn't been as open with or close to me, I found myself wondering if he still felt as strongly for me, I feel that I've been doing what I can to make him happy but I struggle to get it right, and some others. He cried, I cried. He told me he really loved me and wanted to work on things, I apologized for the things I did that upset him, and he apologized for not talking to me earlier. Since that point his attitude has done a real 180. He has been cheerful, responsive, attentive, kind, caring, and has many times said how he felt so relieved that we talked and how much better he feels having gotten things off his chest. But the whole thing threw me off center - I'm starting to realize things about him that may be deal breakers.

It was hurtful that it had to get to a boiling point before he opened up to me, even though I've always created a safe space for communication. He has been affectionate and loving all along, so it surprised me that he was as upset as he was. It makes me nervous and it makes me question things he says - he's been untruthful about things that bother him, saying nothing is wrong when something clearly is, and I feel like my trust in him has taken a hit because of it. I'm going to choose to trust him again, but now I'm over thinking everything I do and examining his words for hidden messages. I've been so anxious since our talk, and I can't help but feel like I don't completely understand what's going on with him. We've opened the conversation since, but it still doesn't feel resolved to me, and he hasn't been able to pinpoint what exactly is going on underneath the things I'm about to talk about.

From day one I've known that he is very particular about things. Like his clothing, how his place is arranged, lighting, and other small OCD things. However, I'm beginning to learn the extent of it. What started as “I know I'm so particular” has become “I know I'm so difficult”. He has recently described himself in ways such as picky, having high standards, and being stubborn. He has high standards for a number of things, especially himself (his work output/number of publications, physical shape, diet), the way he spends his time (if he doesn't work out a certain amount, read/study a certain amount, eats too much unhealthy food, or spends too much time sedentary, he gets anxious), his clothing style and hair cut and generally how he is perceived by others (he's a bit “hipster” and likes to be surrounded by cultured people), his music taste is rather pretentious (his words. He gets offended when I don't like an artist he's shown me. However, he's not given any of my favorite artists much of a chance and doesn't seem like he intends to), and other things. He is very hard on himself when he doesn't meet his own standards, like working excessively if he's had a paper rejected for publication, or not eating much the day after he's eaten some junk food.

He is extremely opinionated and it makes me feel like I have little room to have an opinion of my own. Sometimes I feel like he's fighting for himself when there is no fight to begin with. He will make his opinion clear and known about pretty irrelevant and mundane things, like specific decorations and lamps he will NOT allow if we live together during a trip to ikea that did not entail these subjects at all. I'm like okay, I get it, you don't like those damn lamps! Now let's move on! He pushes it so hard it almost feels like a threat – deal with it, or leave. He is sometimes unwilling to do things that I'd like to do with him, such as hiking and other outdoors things like apple picking, which is a popular thing to do where we live, and his reasons sometimes follow along the lines of “no guys actually LIKE doing that” and portraying them as lame. We have tons of things in common but not exactly – we both love art but he likes abstract and I like realism; he likes modern styles and I'm more into vintage; I do psychology and he does philosophy; we both like alternative music but he likes electronic whereas I like indie; I like to read and work in the sunlight, he likes to do the same with the blinds closed and barely any light. I'm reasonable, I don't expect him nor do I want him to like everything that I do, but I do have an issue when he judges something without giving it a chance, especially when it's not costing him anything but some time. When we do things I like that he “doesn't” such as going to the lake and reading by the water, and apple picking, he has a really great time. It feels like he almost feels compelled to disagree with me or deny that he likes something (before and after the activity, but not during) that takes him too far from his comfort zone. Thus far I have not said no to anything he's suggested, even if I was unsure about it, because I like to try new things and I also like to see him happy. My general attitude about things is pretty laid back and I think things are what you make of them – your company, your attitude, and your ability to find fun is what makes or breaks an experience. If I really don't like something, I won't do it again. If I didn't like something in the past, I'll probably give it another go with him, because maybe his presence will change how I feel about it. I've made sure he knows he can be honest with me about how something was for him and that I won't push him to do it again if he really didn't like it.

I realize not everyone shares this attitude. However, relationships take a degree of compromise to work and sometimes I feel like I have to convince him to compromise with me instead of him being willing if it means making me happy. I'm being very careful to vocalize myself when I need to which, like I said, he seems to respond well to. We've agreed that once a month we will deliberately begin a conversation about what is and isn't working and what we can improve on, to help him feel comfortable expressing himself without the build up and confrontation. He has, since our big talk, mentioned several things he wants to do with me that he thinks we'd both enjoy, and offered to do things I like that he does not in moderation – like he wants to go hiking with me somewhere that isn't too challenging or far so he can take pictures with his new camera. That's a straight up compromise and I'd never want anything more than that from him in the first place. So right now things are fine, but I'm trying to better understand where these personality traits are coming from and how I can best approach these issues in the future.


I know a bit of his past. His parents were very religious and strict, and controlled what he was and wasn't allowed to do. They also moved around a lot without him being able to have any input. I know at least one of his ex’s was controlling – she pushed him to change his career choice, wanted to get married and have kids early (with him having to be the stay at home dad), told him he has to get a 401k plan and other things to prepare for his future, put him down when he wore something she didn't like (as small of a thing as him rolling the bottom of his pants – she thought it looked bad), and other things I'm sure. So, he's had a past of not having very much control over his life. It makes sense that he is trying to make sure it doesn't happen again, and having autonomy is very important to him. The thing is, I do nothing but encourage him to be himself and do what he wants. I am not in the business of changing him and I love him exactly how he is. I've made efforts for him to know this way before I knew about his past or before these traits started to show. It feels to me that he is so focused on not being controlled that he, himself, is controlling. I'm worried that in an effort to protect himself, he's not going to prioritize my wants and needs at the same level as he does his own (or anywhere close).

These “particular” traits certainly don't make for a healthy relationship. I very much want to work through them with him in the most supportive and gentle way possible. A top priority of mine is to make sure that I give him the space he needs to grow and figure himself out, which he knows. My struggle now is to not take his inflexibility personally (I gather he holds his girlfriends to similarly high standards and it puts a lot of pressure on me to do the right things all the time. I wonder if I'm ever going to live up to them, or if he'll leave me if I don't agree to everything that he wants, his way. This is my personal problem that I'm working through, of course). I also want to make sure I am asserting myself and getting my wants and needs met. I have enough self respect to leave a relationship that isn't fair to me. However, I don't want to throw something away if it's something we can work through together.

Help me make sense of it all, please!

[Wakeup]

It was hurtful that it had to get to a boiling point before he opened up to me, even though I've always created a safe space for communication. He has been affectionate and loving all along, so it surprised me that he was as upset as he was. It makes me nervous and it makes me question things he says - he's been untruthful about things that bother him, saying nothing is wrong when something clearly is, and I feel like my trust in him has taken a hit because of it. I'm going to choose to trust him again, but now I'm over thinking everything I do and examining his words for hidden messages. I've been so anxious since our talk, and I can't help but feel like I don't completely understand what's going on with him. We've opened the conversation since, but it still doesn't feel resolved to me, and he hasn't been able to pinpoint what exactly is going on underneath the things I'm about to talk about.

... and you wonder why he was reluctant to open up to you? For goodness sakes its certainly clear to me why he was if you're going to take things so seriously instead of just doing your best to remedy.

- - - Updated - - -

I'll add that you sound almost manic in your minute and detailed judgement of him and his ways which makes me wonder how ever anyone could relax and just be themselves around you.

Now.. if all you says about him is so so so in need of being scrutinized and weighed then perhaps you've just come to the conclusion that he's not the man for you and it would be best that you leave now rather then later when you're both so codependent on one another that you marry and be miserable for ever more ... until ever more.

BTW... you completely missed telling us about what was on his mind and what he said about you that he'd like to see changed. Out of curiosity, what was it about you that he was in discontent about?

[smackie9]

I have some news for you, guys are not good communicators. They would rather let things get swept under the rug and think about things that they find more important. Stop forcing him to be your female BF and "talk about everything, his feelings, blah blah blah, he's a guy, let him be one. If he did do that on a daily basis, you would never have dating him in the first place....you would just accuse him of being too sensitive. And stop taking offense, that crap is all in your head, he had no intention of "hurting you". If you told him that every time, he would think you were nuts. You say he needs to relax.....think again. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

He is the way he is, and you can't fix that, nor should you. If you don't like what you see, the common sense thing to do is to end the relationship.

[Everylemontree]

The portion you quoted was my innermost, insecure thoughts. I do not behave like that, and I'm very aware they are not set in reality. I wanted to express myself in the post for the sake of purging the emotionally charged stuff.

He asked me to go to the gym with him once a week. I used to be a gym rat but had to stop because of my graduate school schedule, and he expressed it would feel like a bonding activity for him. Of course I agreed. He also asked if we could spend time reading and studying together, which I'm always really up for, but he for some reason didn't believe me when I said that in the past. It's cleared up. He also expressed that he was upset about a political issue we disagreed on, which I was glad he brought up because I had felt misunderstood and it allowed us to set things straight.

I'm asking for help in how to approach this in a more healthy manner because I'm aware my emotions and insecurities are disrupting our ability to communicate. My concerns are that he seems to frequently disregard my wants and needs, and I want to be able to assert myself while also respecting him. That's the summation of my huge post, really, so do you have any words of guidance to help me get on the right track?

[smackie9]

IMO you both lack compatibility because you see things so differently...... and this lack of compatibility will eventually be the demise of your relationship. All the communication in the world isn't going to fix this. Like I said he is who he is, you can't make him be somebody else.

[Wakeup]

Any guidance? Yes. Know this: You only have control over yourself so stop trying to control/change him. If who he is is got you so skittish then you have two choices:

1) You leave and find someone who doesn't bring out all that emotional turmoil you have shared here or...
2) YOU change Yourself to accommodate who he is and be able to do that to the point where you're happy to be more like him. Whatever you do, don't stay with him by settling... you actually have to be happy accommodating him and his ways. Discuss what you want him to be and then see if he is willing to compromise with you as well... if he's not then there's that choice NO. 1

There is no other guidance to give because it's all up to YOU how YOU handle your emotional response to his actions or lack of them.

Here's to 2015 and you having the strength to change the things you can, (you) the serenity to accept the things you cannot (him) and the widom to know the difference.

[smackie9]

ahhhh the serenity prayer, good one