Am I bi?
Funny enough, the title is also a too sexy lyric from Berlin's "I'm a (Sex..)." That may seem like irrelevant, outdated trivia but I've been drinking a TON lately. The more I drink, the more I question whether or not I am really bi. I only came out as "open" to close friends since around the exact time that I've been heavily drinking, which now has me thinking since I have the worst record with girls ever that I've only been drinking so I can accept having sex and dating guys so much easier. But then I thought maybe I drink and think about being bi to disguise being secretly gay. However, I like girls way too much to be gay. Then that got me to thinking about liking girls sub-subconscious to disguise being gay. Is this the normal sexual orientation question even normal? What is "confused"? Confused is only a term for normal people to make sense of their orientation.
Anyway, so I've had sexual encounters with guys and it's made me wonder if my extremely terrible record with girls has reached some sort of breaking point to where it's manifested as a mental illness so that my previously (or totally) straight ego has given up on girls to take what I can get (I've always had men interested in me). I've felt a lot happier since I switched my OkCupid to bi (not going to say gay because that feels like a misrepresentation but what do I do know?) but I just wonder if it's the euphoria of being desired and liked by one gender at least that I am doing it. I can't even listen to songs that have girls being sexual. The more I think about being with a guy, the less time I spend thinking about what I can't get which is girls.
I was feeling pretty good, dating guys, and then I remembered a repressed memory about a friend possibly hooking up with a girl that I've fallen in and been in love with since. Thinking about it now, you might as well have shot my dog in front of me because that was really traumatic. Oddly enough that was when I began noticing men (usually way older) being into me and slightly starting to question my orientation.
So bi? Drunkard? Pathetic man, maybe not even and never will be a man and instead a permanent boy, who has to channel his sexual drive into doing stuff with men because it beats manual stimulation?
"1,2,3,4.....The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power-drive!"
"Glory days/Well, they'll pass you by/Glory days"