13 yrs secretly in love with cousin -taboo; how to quit?

[Mkls]

I'm 27 years old. Just like the topic said I've been spending 13 years of my life loving my first cousin. In many areas including where I live, it is incest and if you think it's grossed, please kindly avoid insult. It's already hard enough the way it is.

The beginning?

I don't even know when it began. We had known, played and study with each other since forever. Suddenly I just felt or knew that I loved him. I got those weird heartbeat and wanted to dress up when going out with him so that he looked at me as a girl and no longer his wrestling partner.

Does he know?

I never told him. And I don't know if he sensed it.

Does he love me?

He has a girlfriend. So obviously not. But during all these years there were times when I got the feeling that he might feel the same then the next thing I knew he dated someone again. You know there's a line between treating a woman and a cousin. It's clear that he treated me differently from other girl cousins. He once said if he died, the first person he would like to meet for the last time was his mom and the second one was me. Some of our acquantance knew both of us but didn't realize we were cousins and most of the times they would mistake us as a couple.

Key Problem

It's been too long and it's impossible. I want to at least let him know because that's probably the only way to quit it. But i can't - it's taboo. When we reached high school, our families - especially grandma and mom suspected that my relationship between he and I was more than cousin despite he having a girlfriend at the time. And it was like a hell break. All kinds of rules were set up (ex. Stop meeting, stop sitting side by side, always open the door and windows when together etc) What funny was they thought that he liked me when the fact was the other way around.

Things got better when we went to universities in different parts of the country and i went abroad for master degree meaning we spent roughly 6 years apart. Surely distance and time did a wonder. When I was alone I thought of him less and less and began dating some guys but when walked with them, i ended up missing him more and more.

Then I graduated and came back. We met time to time because he worked in another city and had a gf. After a year of work, I decided to get additional training. It's one month long and the location was the city where he lived. It was one of the best months for me. His gf worked in another city. There's no family with crazy rules around. There was only us. i thought the time we spent together would be enough to make me quit. I was wrong. Instead I was head over heel again.

Now he moved back to our hometown permanantly. The feeling I've been holding grows stronger than ever.

And everything is back to square one - incest, disgusting, taboo, unacceptable. I'm afraid that the family will become chaotic again like it once was.

How to forget someone who you love so much for half of your life? Please suggest.

Thank you so much in advance. I've never talked or ever written about it before.

[Jffs24]

Do you go to a therapist about your obsession and love for your first cousin -- might be helpful if you did. Are you putting off real relationships on the hopes he'll get with you one day?

[Mkls]

Thanks a lot. I've never thought of a therapy before. It's not common around here but I should find one and try. And I agree with you. I put off relationships for him. I really liked the last guy I dated with when I was abroad. We lasted almost a year but I decided to move back as soon as I graduated. I'm so sick of myself for that and that's how I found this forum yesterday. Thanks again !