stick with whats working or move foward??

[faefae]

Hi.. my relationship is nearing the 5 yr mark. All my prev rships have been very tumultuous with alot of fighting etc whereas this has been really cruisy.. we never fight and try to talk about everything, the problem is that I truly don't know if my heart is in it 100%. I often think about other guys (even tho have never done anything) and I feel somewhat incompatible with my partner in the bedroom. . I find it really hard to feel desire for him even when my body does. It seems like he is more in love with me than I with him.. im wondering if I am still with him just bcoz its easier to stay and bcoz I dont wanna hurt him by leaving. Also am worried that I wont ever find anyone else who I get along with so well but sometimes it seems more like we are brother and sister than lovers. Also bcoz of other things making me feel somewhat trapped in this sitch bcoz of housing factor.. living with his mother and neither of them work so I tend to be supporting all 3 of us and housing is virtually impossible to get in my area and knowing that if I chose to leave I would lose alot of my stuff too.. is the emotional support and love I'm getting from him worth ignoring these feelings or is it unfair of me to stay if im not in love as much?? Really confused!! Does this make me a mega bitch??

[Wakeup]

Well, the money you'd save on not supporting two other people would cover your rent on a new place.

Its no wonder you are losing attraction for him. No woman wants a lump who does nothing to contribute to the union. There ARE some men out there that are quite happy to have the woman stay home but rarely does it work the other way around.

Why doesn't he work?

You might want to tell him that you're losing interest in the relationship and he needs to get a job and start putting effort in. You at least owe him a chance to remedy what is lacking (whatever that actually is for you).

Just curious.. why isn't he working?

[faefae]

He has been "looking" for work for 2 yrs now.. the area we live there aren't many jobs and even less houmore avail but bcoz I work I don't really know how much effort is actually being put into finding a job. Maybe ive been too lenient in not pushing him? Thats part of why it feels like he has stronger feelings than I do, bcoz it seems like im always the one asking him to do better or getting upset but he never gets upset at me or asks me to change in any way (even tho I know im not the easiest person to deal with sometimes)
I dunno.. am i making issues out of nothing? Should i just be happy for what ive got instead of wanting more?

[basilandthyme]

It's not your place to push him to get a job. It's his job to motivate himself! And if he can't be self motivated to find a job, then you've got a big baby on your hands. The fact that his mother is also unemployed and accepting your handouts makes me wonder if he's from a family of bludgers and if this is his 'normal'. Frankly, I can't imagine any woman with good ethics accepting such long term support from her son's girlfriend.

I'm kind of confused about the living/work options. In areas where jobs are hard to find, housing tends to be both cheaper and more plentiful. Places with lots of jobs have housing which is unaffordable and in high demand. What kind of area are you in which has both limited housing and limited employment?

What qualifications does your boyfriend have? What kind of job is he looking for? As he's finding work hard to come by, is he increasing his qualifications?

Why would you lose your stuff if you moved out? It's perfectly normal for a person to take their stuff when they leave. Items which have been purchased jointly can be split between the couples. If you bought the fridge and the bed, then it's tough luck for him.

[michelle23]

The issue is you feel like his mother instead of his lover.. if hr doesn't get off his ass soon and get a job, you should leave. Even if he got part time in some fast food outlet or something-anything to lighten the burden you are carrying and to help you respect him as a a man and equal partner again.

I think if he made a few changes you would be happy again as it sounds like overall you have a good relationship that is worth fighting for but these issues need to be resolved and its time for him to step up or you walk.. give the ultimatum. 2years is a long time to be out of work and its either pure laziemess or hes too fussy coz there are jobs around

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely agree that he should get a job to be able to support himself. You certainly shouldn't be supporting him. The thing is, if he is HONESTLY trying his best to find a job and it just isn't working out, then I would say he still deserves support. It can sometimes be hard to find a job, especially these days. Heck, as much of a nightmare as it is, taking a few years to find anything is not unheard of at all. So, if he is actually legitimately trying and just having no luck, then don't fault him for that.

That said, if that is not the only reason you just aren't feeling it anymore, then maybe moving on would be your best bet either way. Two people aren't necessarily automatically a match relationship-wise just because they happen to get along. You shouldn't be stuck with somebody you find yourself more so feeling like they are a friend/brother from another mother. He also doesn't deserve to be with somebody who thinks of him that way. You deserve to be with somebody you are head over heels for, as he deserves somebody to feel that way about him. We all do. So, if you just don't feel like you love him in that way, it would be best for you both to end things. At the same time, though, you do need to make sure that this really is the way you feel, and not just that you are having normal doubts. You don't want to end the relationship and then discover you did really love him, only to find out it is too late.

That said, from what you have said I do kind of lean towards thinking you probably are not a match, at least not as a relationship. It does sound like you consider him a really good person/good friend, but not necessarily somebody with whom you want to be in a relationship. I can't say that for sure, though. Only you really can. In the end, you shouldn't be supporting him, much less his mother. Doing it for a little while until they get back on their feet is one thing, but it sounds like this has gone on too long, and doesn't sound as though much sincere effort is being put into it. Good luck to you either way, friend.