Insanely lost, do you think I can fix it?

[nick.ether]

I apologize if this is very long, I read many stories that I can relate to on here and here's my dire story.

I wish I could make her see how much she means to me, I dedicated most of my short life to help her in her difficult life. I sacrificed so much and I would never stop, she means the world to me. Yet, I am a monster to her. I know that I enabled her, but I wanted to do everything I could for her. I rejected my family, I isolated myself for her... I didn't want her to feel alone, but now I am invisible, I do not matter... She's alone again.

The person I care the most about is the one who hates me the most. She says I am the worst husband, that she doesn't trust me, that if she could just run or leave and travel the world she would. I support her in her dreams, but it hurts so much that I am not in any of them.
I understand that we got married so young and sped up life by skipping various experiences like other lovers. I am also to blame for making her stay somewhere that speaks a different language from hers.

I can't hold on much longer, I love her so much and receive only pain in return. She couldn't experience life and errors like everyone else because of me enabling her. She moved to be with me and fell into deeper depression upon losing her best friend.
I try to appear strong, tough and confident to her so she can count on me, but behind my masquerade is a man who tried to end it. When I think of her, I regret that I tried to leave her behind.

She doesn't join me in bed anymore at night, I miss her company. She stays up to get social/sexual/emotional attention from other men online while I sleep. I want her to be happy and feel pretty, but I feel betrayed. She's building roleplay outfits, she says I'll benefit and it's to look pretty, but I know it's for the other men's attention above all. Her fantasy is to have a sexual experience with someone else then come home to **** me right away. I convinced myself that it was my fault she couldn't explore that world, but it seems now that she'll also leave me on top of that.


I guess I put all my eggs in the same basket, I do believe she is the one. I want emotional support from her but I get rejected. Any sexual attention is if another man tells her to **** me or turns her on, then she comes to satisfy her craving. I enjoy feeling like I have a sex life, but I feel betrayed. I'm there for her in her hard times, but it's all worth shit. She sees me as a (not so good) financial support who manipulates her and only wants sex from her. She tells me she'll find a sugar daddy when I can't afford something that she wants.

I feel stuck... I want to reset and start over. Where the **** did I go so wrong? So many years trying to be something, anything, for her.
Sometimes, it feels like anything that I do for her is taken for granted, barely a thank you flies and rarely was I touched in anyway without having to bend over or to use my expertise.

Since a few days ago, it has become all about her and her needs. She told me that she's going to do whatever she wants with anyone and not care about what people think, including myself.
I wish her best friend was still here, I wish I could hold her more often without being rejected, I miss the good times I had with her. Even though in my head I supported her, my body reacted heavily for the first time in my life. On one part, I hoped this first heart attack at my young age killed me, but unconditionnally, I thought of her. I haven't explicitely told her that I went to the ER twice, I don't think it matters to her anyway. I got home to her drinking even though she shouldn't due to pills. I don't think she remembers, but I took the bottle away, installed her onto the couch with a blanket and a pillow. I rubbed her cheeks crying, it's my fault. She wanted to end it but one of her friends supported her through it, thank you whoever you are.

I want to protect her but also let her fly where she wants to and keep her nest warm for her return.

I'm thinking of helping her accomplish her travel dream, but I fear I may lose my job if I can't shake this off. I need to be more than a bank account to her, I want to be a lover and that's why I avoid pressuring her sexually but it's difficult sometimes. I have confidence in myself, but I have to rebuild the broken parts everytime she rejects me intensely.

I just want her to let me know I'm worth something to her, my life is shit without her smile.
She ignores for her friends all day long, I tried getting various apps to get support and she took my cellphone forcefully from me to see my apps. She thinks I'm stalking her now. Tomorrow, I will see my psy and decide how my life will be played. I never have been this anxious in my entire life, maybe she'll be happier without me in the end.

I love her so much, I want to make her see more than anything in my life.

[basilandthyme]

>>Since a few days ago, it has become all about her and her needs. She told me that she's going to do whatever she wants with anyone and not care about what people think, including myself.<<

It's ALWAYS been about her and her needs. But perhaps you've only just noticed.

Where the F did you go wrong? Do you really need to have this spelled out? It started at the point where you ditched your family and isolated yourself and started to sacrifice things for her. It continued as you loved her for no reason that I can see. It got worse as you stood by and accepted this rubbish treatment from a women who has no respect for you.

Then again, you have no respect for yourself. So, how can she even begin to respect you?

Sorry mate, the best I can give you is a kick up the arse.

[nick.ether]

Thank you. Do you think there's a way to show her what she's doing? She's a moral person inside, but at this rate, I feel like burning the bridge, as hurtful as it will be, would be the only way to make her realize what she had?

[basilandthyme]

Sorry Nick, but she WANTS you gone. When you leave, it will only be relief to her. Unless you are supporting her financially - in which case she's really going to miss your money.

As for what she had - well, it wasn't much. All she had was a guy who valued himself so little that he let her walk all over him. Your love means little when compared to all the wrong which went down.

Cut her loose and work on finding yourself.

[TablesandChairs]

nick, this toxic relationship has pushed you towards some very dark thoughts. You've given her all you can; you've enabled her online affairs, you've tolerated her mistreatment, you've put up with her dismissal and put-downs, you've been a walking bank-account and what have you gotten in return? You refer to the 'better times' but I'm guessing these were quite some time ago.

If she's so unhappy with you, why does she stay? Because of your purse? Because she knows no other man will put up with this shit? If she wants to travel, fine. Save up and buy a ticket. If she's unhappy with you - fine, break-up and date around. You say she's a moral person 'deep down'...well...you know, terrorists think they have a moral reason behind what they do, too.

What are you hoping for? That one day she'll wake up and magically appreciate you? If it hasn't already happened, it won't. Until you get over the co-dependency and meakness, you'll suffer long and hard. And for what? I'm guessing you have no idea that there ARE women out there that are so much better, more appreciate, more loving...but while I'm sure you get objectively say this is so, you haven't experienced it. Nor will you, because you've devoted yourself (and renounced yourself to) something that makes you miserable. You can hope all you life - you've been shown reality.

In your shoes, I'd get all the therapy I could and put all my strength into cutting ties and starting over. You get one life and it wasn't meant to be lived being someone else's doormat, whether you love them or not. When I was being mistreated by a partner (but was refusing to leave) my mother got angry; she said something to the effect of 'I didn't go through 3 months of intense morning sickness, 9 months of feeling unwell and fat and 18 years of feeding, clothing, educating, housing and worrying for you to end up with some ass'. I'm sure your mother didn't either.

Wake up. It's not the end of the world, this is not something you have to resign yourself to.

[Wakeup]

Get yourself to a psychiatrist who can help you with your door mattery, your codependency, your unattractive and annoying "I love her" bullshit. How can you love someone that doesn't respect you, doesn't value you, is pissed off at you all the time, someone who doesn't care if you are dead or alive, someone who is having online sexual attention from other men.

WTF is the matter with you that you stay and accept that kind of psychological and emotional abuse? Are you that incapable of being on your own that you forsake self for the likes of what you're in?

I suggest you go to social services in your area or your family doctor and tell him what you've been accepting in your life and they or he/she will refer you to the appropriate personnel that will help you to see you're being mis-treated and abused.

You have a medical and a psychological shortfall that needs to be dealt with. Once you've looked after your own mental and physical shortfalls, you'll clearly see that you don't love this C*nt but you are simply addicted to having her in your life and are too weak to go through the withdrawl of shedding her.