The perfect girl...(?)

[eljusticiero67]

once again, community members, I am back at a point of emotional crossroads; looking back at the beginning and end of two LTRs, bookended by dramatic posts on this lovely forum. And again i find myself inquiring about the same basic questions i had so many years ago.

did i find the perfect girl? this girl who has it all. who is one of the best communicators I have ever met, introspective, kind, generous, intellectual, passionate, gentle, strong, savvy, spiritual, playful, professional and of course... beautiful. even a few of these traits i would have been beyond happy to find in a person. and now i am finding them all in one person! too good to be true?!

... then why can't i find myself wanting to commit to her...

could it be that despite all the most exceptional qualities that i described above, i can't shake that she has a belief system that may be fundamentally incompatible with mine? though I am very spiritual, my thinking is very very rooted in science, politics, and current events. i build my worldview around these pillars, and more importantly my value system. thinking about the power of science, the strength and pitfalls of societies/economics/systems. i believe in engaging the system and thinking thoughtfully about it. leverage its strengths to tend to its weaknesses.

she on the other hand thinks outside the system and the box-- in a way that is a little disconcerting. she doesn't think science is the end all. she believes in things like astrology and tarot cards (which I think are interesting, since she has introduced me to them). she believes in (what I think are crazy) conspiracy theories about the government and secret societies. she actually... even... thinks.... she has been abducted by aliens. sigh.. she is very smart in her own way (that isn't to sound condescending-- I truly do think she is very thoughtful) but I just dont agree the assumptions on which she bases her value system.

i KNOW that if we were to end up together, we would never fight. we would always talk through right down to the root of our frustrations. and given that she does think vastly different from me while still being thoughtful, we would always challenge each others thinking-- another thing really important to me. indeed, in the time i have known her, she has made me rethink many things and even changed me completely in one dramatic way.

but i just can't shake off this nagging feeling that our core values are just too mismatched. i find myself looking at her like she is an alien when she brings up some of her zanier ideas. and i am concerned for potential children being exposed to such ideas, when I know I want them to be engaged in the world in a way that is similar to me..

any thoughts around this would be greatly appreciated..

--confused to no end.

[pcmaster]

Give it at least a year before marrying her. How long are you together anyway? You know all girls are crazy you just have to find one whos crazyness you love. How old are you why do you think about kids already?

[dollhouse]

Maybe you just don't love her the way you need to feel committed and that is why you can't commit, no matter how perfect you think she is.

Is this a LDR, or a same city relationship if LDR that might be a reason why you have doubts too.

[eljusticiero67]

Thanks both. i have been with her for about a year now, and have been feeling this for the last couple months or so as I have been thinking about long term viability with her.

i have thought long and hard about this and came to realize that the reason why i am not loving her the way i need to for a long-term comittment is because my head won't let me.

cause in the end i am balancing the way i feel around her (which is amazing) with the way i think about her (which is not amazing [at least not everything about her]). can i be with someone whos value system i dont respect, even though i respect and even _admire_ the kind of life she leads based off that system?

[TablesandChairs]

There's no 'perfect' girl or perfect partner...even compatibility is one of those things that doesn't necessarily equate to love. But you need to decide whether your differences are make or break.

I dated someone highly into astrology and Tarot. I found it interesting and he would make up charts for me, occasionally do readings. Did it convince me? Well, I wouldn't say my world-view changed completely but it did open me up to different possibilities. Early scientists were called crazy once upon a time...the notion that the world might be round instead of flat, for example, was once met with scepticism. Difference in relationships is a good thing - it can get pretty boring when you agree on absolutely everything, all the time. But...then there's her thinking she's been abducted by aliens, with is a bit of a worry.

There's a difference between someone who is spiritual and open to possibilities and a nut job. You need to figure out which camp she's on.

[basilandthyme]

There's a difference between someone who is spiritual and open to possibilities and a nut job. You need to figure out which camp she's on.

^^ this. In a nutshell, this is your decision