How do you come back from this?

[Mnm0081]

I met this guy 2 months ago and we became completely infatuated with one another. He has been my absolute best friend. I've fallen head over heels in love with someone for the first time in ages and its the most painful experience. Hes still married, about to go through a divorce, has been cheated on, lied to and treated poorly. Hes in no situation to commit which I've expressed that i understand, even backed off a little and continued with our amazing friendship. I go to his house almost every day. I just genuinely enjoy his company and adore him in every way. While he cant give me more, i cant give him less.
While hanging out, he blurts out an accusation that im sleeping with someone else. I've never in my life cheated on anyone and I couldn't even imagine another man touching me as long as he is in my life. He drilled me and questioned me until he got all my raw feelings poured at his feet. These were feelings i wanted to keep for a while longer. He felt he got the info that he "needed" but i could tell he wasn't believing me. He was being very short with me and indifferent. Almost mean, he treated me in a way he never has. While laying next to him watching a movie, he pulls out his phone and messages a woman right in front of me. When I respond with an "R u serious?" He responded that he doesn't know who I've been talking to all day. Wtf!?! I know he did that to get at me, his total demeanor screams that he thinks I'm running around but where does he really get off accusing me when hes the one that cant commit? Wtf is wrong with me?! Better yet, wtf is wrong with him?!

[butterfly712]

Have you asked him who the girl is that he was talking to?

[woody]

WEll speaking as one who has been cheated on and I think I speak for many who have been cheated on, 'this act' and the damage done by it can and will rear its ugly head from time to time down the road of life. Especially when we meet someone we connect with on a real and tangible level, we are extra hard on them to prove their worth, to prove our trust is safe..
To be hurt in this way by a past gf or bf always leaves us wounded and it is so difficult to trust others in our future/present

Just know, chances are he's vulnerable and will behave badly from time to time.
All you can do is set your tolerant limits, decide what you will and will not put up with, let him heal, never lie and if you dig him as you say you do, just let things happen naturally.
You know what I mean?

People that have been lied to and cheated on in this way take a long time to get over it. Some, never fully do. You just have to prepare for irrational, illogical bs from time to time and set your boundaries. Try not to take it too personally because chances are, it has very little to do with you and more to do with the person that hurt them originally.
good luck

[Wakeup]

Better yet, wtf is wrong with him?!

This is why you keep the pace slow and the your emotions tight in the first couple of months because you're just starting to find out who he really is and by the sounds of things, he has issues that go beyond someone who has been cheated on and is paranoid of it happening again and to top it all off, he's still married.

You'd do well to get yourself out from under the pedestal you've placed him on and start looking seriously at how he could become emotionally abusive to you... its started for goodness sakes so don't discount it altogether. Keep in mind that its often those that are cheating themselves that accuse others of doing exactly what they are doing. Its called deflecting and he's doing that to you.

If you were a smart girl that was with good personal boundaries you'd step back from him as you observe. While you're not being so available to him, you'll ask yourself why you would get involved with a man who harbours so much baggage that even includes not having severed one relationship before starting another one. He's NOT GOOD RELATIONSHIP material in his present state in life.

Hes in no situation to commit which I've expressed that i understand, even backed off a little and continued with our amazing friendship.

How foolish of you.

[woody]

Not all those who have been cheated on, cheat themselves there WakeUp. Yet I get the whole projection mode thing as well as she best take a step back and look in with fresh eyes BUT maybe this guys really been wounded.
Maybe he's a good guy with some baggage, sure, but a good guy none the less.
Divorces can take years. Just because a divorce hasn't finalized doesn't mean the divorcee isn't emotionally available to pursue a love connection. Perhaps for some but surely not all.

Let's just hope the O.P has the smarts to take things in stride and not get wrapped in a possible shitty scenario. She's the only one there so we really don't know where this guys coming from.
Could be he's a decent bloke, hurt by past crap, met this new lady (the O.P) and likes her allot but needs to take things slow.
I hope the lady guards her heart. It's tough being with someone who's been cheated on before. But if their good folks, the slight uphill battle is well worth the plateau.

[michelle23]

It sounds like he is taking his emotional pain out on you and that is a no no. You have done nothing wrong and you need to stand up to him and tell him you get hes been hurt but you wont be his punching bag. its time to walk away. Hes obviously not ready to move on and its hurting you to be kept on the sideline. I would walk away and tell him to come looking for me when he has his shit together. Maybe you will still be available then, maybe you wont.. but you would be a fool to sit around and wait for anyone

[Wakeup]

Not all those who have been cheated on, cheat themselves there WakeUp.

No.. and I didn't say they did. I said that "often those that are cheating"

Yet I get the whole projection mode thing as well as she best take a step back and look in with fresh eyes

yes its quite relevant here.

BUT maybe this guys really been wounded.
Maybe he's a good guy with some baggage, sure, but a good guy none the less.

What good is a "good guy" if he has issues that will more likely then not, affect the Op's emotional health? Don't think that your situation is what I'm talking about here. This is about the Op and her situation and not you and your's, woody. (not said with malice)

Divorces can take years. Just because a divorce hasn't finalized doesn't mean the divorcee isn't emotionally available to pursue a love connection. Perhaps for some but surely not all.

Well, if this one was emotionally ready then we'd not have this Op here asking for advise on why he can't give her more then I'd think?

Let's just hope the O.P has the smarts to take things in stride and not get wrapped in a possible shitty scenario. She's the only one there so we really don't know where this guys coming from.

Well, he's not committing to her and he's a paranoid git who ends up verbally abusing her due to his paranoia (or possible projection) so maybe she should really take that into consideration because it's a huge red flag as is him still being married and holding onto a shit load of baggage. All red flags that should NOT be ignored.

Could be he's a decent bloke, hurt by past crap, met this new lady (the O.P) and likes her allot but needs to take things slow.

A bloke with past hurt baggage and who has turned to verbal abuse out of his fear is not a good partner. Whether he's a decent bloke in general is neither here nor there if he's not treating her right.

I hope the lady guards her heart. It's tough being with someone who's been cheated on before. But if their good folks, the slight uphill battle is well worth the plateau.

The key is to get with them once they've learned to not punish the new person in their lives for the sins of the past one's in their lives. That's when you know you have a good bloke worth being with just the way he is and not have to fix him or suffer through his shit while he works it out... that is what people who are not caretakers or not with codependent tendencies would do.

I hope Op loves herself enough to leave him to process his demons on his own while she gets on with her life after telling him to call her when he's settled and has learned to trust again. She met him a mere two months ago ffs... For her to wait around or to put up with his bullshit is quite telling about Op, actually.

[basilandthyme]

You've only been together for two months - and this is your first major red flag. A HUGE red flag.

Run for the hills

[Mnm0081]

I myself have been cheated on. Since that horrific relationship, i dont allow too many chances to break my heart. I know I am as genuine as it gets, a complete open book and extremely honest. I pride myself in having those attributes to add to a relationship. I did put him on a pedastal because in my eyes he was a man deserving of that. However, he took advantage of it. So now 2 days later let me recap on what happened. I did some digging, which i most absolutely never do because u ALWAYS find. It wasnt until these red flags waved that i felt the need to protect me. Not only does this man have 3 profiles, that i found, on different dating sites, he lied on them as well. He stated he was divorced and didnt have kids. He also posted old pics of himself that look nothing like him and his opening line was that he was looking for "the love of his life".
I am not stupid, nor am i dumb. I messaged him, told him that his accusations were unacceptable and that this was his doing and that i am absolutely done. I went to his house to get my belongings to which he locked himself in his room and left my stuff in a pile by the front door.
Not only is this man a coward but he is not worth my time or the amazing things i have to offer a great man. He blew it with me ten fold. Done and done.

[Wakeup]

Well done!

[TheEvilJester]

The way he is acting is very paranoid, and very unfair to you. ....The thing that you have to understand, though, is he is CURRENTLY going through a divorce for a marriage in which his partner cheated on him. That can be a VERY hurtful thing and it can be hard to get over that. That doesn't excuse his treating you with this mistrust without reason, but it does explain it.

To be 100% honest with you, he really shouldn't have gotten involved with you this early in his divorce proceedings. This is exactly the kind of reason why. Not that a situation like that CAN'T work out, it's just that it has the potential to put way too much undue stress on a new relationship, particularly at a time when a relationship usually should be at its best.

Of course, hindsight is always 20/20. That doesn't really help you both now that you have met and are together. So, for now all you can really do is try your best to be there for him. Try your best to understand that his mistrust is for a reason, even if that reason is past experience with SOMEBODY ELSE. You know that he can trust you, so you honestly have nothing to hide. So, just prove that and in time he should be able to get over all of that. Heck, maybe you will even help him. Having a loving partner he can actually trust can help him to see that not everybody is as much of a scumbag as his ex.

Fixing him should NOT have to be your job. Hence why I feel he should not have gotten involved with you yet. He should have taken time to recover from his relationship and have his divorce finalized or at least seriously moving along. It wasn't fair of him to put all of this on you. I am sure he wasn't thinking about any of that, and wasn't intending to fall for you, so I am sure he didn't intentionally do this. Still, it would really have been better for both of you to take things slow at the start. Now that it is too late for that, give him time, but if it begins to seem like he will never get over all of this and trust you despite you giving him no reason not to trust you, then is the time to begin considering maybe you need to move on.

Good luck to you. I don't know much about him, but from the little you've shared, he sounds like a decent guy who just got kicked below the belt by life. Happens to all of us sometimes. I hope things improve for him, and I hope you two work out. If not, though, I hope you care about yourself enough to move along.

[woody]

Well WakeUp, I enjoy the banter back and forth; lots of good points you make. No, didn't take it personally and didn't gather any malice either so, yeah, no worries there.
"verbally abusing" didn't realize he was doing that.
anyway, thanks for the analysis, always impresses me ; your very thorough. hope you be well

hope O.P is alright too
EvilJester had lots of good points too. Love that 'runner in between' approach.
and as far as the O.p goes and her emotionally unavailable crush, well, Everyone F__cks up now and then. Everyone. We all have our baggage and anyone that claims otherwise is full of it. Past damages done always come back to haunt us, always. How we deal with it when it happens is the test; what we learn and what we don't.

Dealing with trust issues is never easy. Some muster through and others get stuck.

[Wakeup]

Well, everything you've said there ^^^ is certainly the truth but I was just posting on what she said in this particular situation.

Hope you be well too.

[jenniferaniston]

As if he is cheated you and talking to someone else infront of you, so i think you should break up with him and move on for your better life..as he is not the right guy for you.

[woody]

I myself have been cheated on. Since that horrific relationship, i dont allow too many chances to break my heart. I know I am as genuine as it gets, a complete open book and extremely honest. I pride myself in having those attributes to add to a relationship. I did put him on a pedastal because in my eyes he was a man deserving of that. However, he took advantage of it. So now 2 days later let me recap on what happened. I did some digging, which i most absolutely never do because u ALWAYS find. It wasnt until these red flags waved that i felt the need to protect me. Not only does this man have 3 profiles, that i found, on different dating sites, he lied on them as well. He stated he was divorced and didnt have kids. He also posted old pics of himself that look nothing like him and his opening line was that he was looking for "the love of his life".
I am not stupid, nor am i dumb. I messaged him, told him that his accusations were unacceptable and that this was his doing and that i am absolutely done. I went to his house to get my belongings to which he locked himself in his room and left my stuff in a pile by the front door.
Not only is this man a coward but he is not worth my time or the amazing things i have to offer a great man. He blew it with me ten fold. Done and done.

I didn't see this post yesterday when I wrote you but after reading the newest of your situation I applaud your actions and may I say with a happy smile on my face, "Glad you ditched the prick"

Here's to finding a good man one day soon for you. Well wishes to you Lady....