I messed up a lot, advice please

[Bambizzle]

Ok for starters, I know I messed this up, big time. I coul really use a guys perspective on the situation I put myself in. I am 28, I was seeing this guy for about 3 months. We told each other we loved each other, And I really believed we did, and I still do love him. I was upfront from the beginning in telling him I have herpes type 1 (the less sever type, I've only had 2 outbreaks in the 5 years I've known about having it, and was told by my doctor I probably would never have another one) He told me it wasn't a deal breaker, but that we would have to take things slow before having sex... I respected that, and about a month later, we started having sex. I lied about having an orgasm the first few times we had sex because I was nervous, it was a new relationship and I just wanted him to feel good, there was a lot going on in my head, and for some reason I was really afraid that he would regret having sex with me after. From all my friends that I have talked to about this, lying about orgasms is a pretty common thing. I really did/do love him, every other part of our relationship was good. He's and amazing person, but the sex was always short with him and I felt it was hard to tell him what I really wanted. So it ended up spiraling into me lying about having an orgasm every single time. I never once came during sex with him (in his defense, I've never had one during sex before ever.) But It really started to eat me alive that I was lying to him about it, and I really didn't know how to bring it up without hurting his ego, I just knew that he wouldn't take it well. So instead of just bringing it up I pretty much just made it all worse. Before Christmas I told him I didn't think we had enough sex. Which really wasn't true, I don't know why I said it. He didn't really understand where that was coming from and it didn't really go over well. We ended up dropping it and acting like I never said it. Everything went back to normal, we both had an amazing New Years together. It was probably one of the best nights I ever had. I spent the next few days alone at my apartment, with too much time to think about stuff. I started feeling like something was missing from our relationship and that we didn't have enough passion, mainly sexually. He came over Saturday night to pick me up for dinner and could tell something was wrong. It spiraled from there. I told him that I felt like something was missing and we were lacking passion and he immediately decided that the relationship was over and that if there wasn't passion after 3 months of dating then there wasn't going to be any ever and we should just move on now instead of dragging the relationship on. This was definitely not what I wanted. He left, and I called him on the phone to try and explain things, I told him that I felt our sex needed some work and that I wanted to work on things. I also ended up telling him that I had never had an orgasm with him. He pretty much told me that I didn't do either of us any favors in telling him that. He didn't understand at all why I would have lied about that in the first place, told me I'm 28 and that that was stupid thing to lie about. Last Tuesday I tried to talk to him about it again and asked him if it was really over between us and asked why it was just over like that so quickly, when everything else was awesome between us, and he said "Because you Fing lied to me! Not just one time but every single time we had sex. You took the most intimate thing we share as a couple and turned it into something that now absolutely disgusts me! I will never have a desire to have sex with you again without being disgusted afterwards. You made it out to be ME two separate times until you finally came clean after I said it was "over"."

I understand him being hurt. But I don't understand how if he said he loved me, he wouldn't be able to see why I did what I did. I know I messed up a lot, and I am now accepting that it is over between us. It's just hard, and I just have a lot of regret for lying to him. I miss him. I keep playing it over and over in my head and now I agree that it was a stupid thing to lie about.

We had'nt talked for a few days. I've left him alone, which has been extremely hard for me.... We had bought these groupons for a concealed carry weapons class with his roommate before everything went down.... I had decided I just wasn't going to do it anymore.... But he texted me Saturday telling me the date him and his roommate had registered for and that I was welcome to join them. What does that mean? I don't expect that he has forgiven me... But is it possible for me and him to be friends after this, or maybe eventually get back together? Is this something we can recover from?

[woody]

Questions this. Do YOU feel there was enough natural passion between you and he? (and oh, no need to lie about orgasm; the truth is always better, they'll respect the honesty)

Sorry you going through some heart ache here but I must say, 3 months isn't long but it is long enough to know whether or not you got the za za zoom going on. I read your post and it seems you put yourself down too much so I'll ask again, How did you feel about him in the ol sack department? Lady, sometimes it's just not the right fit. Don't beat yourself up over it; consider it a screening device put in play by universal measures no one can explain, just is.

You'll find a man you won't feel the need to lie to about things like orgasm. When it is the right fit, you'll both just know and that will be that.

go have some fun. Don't linger too long in the blues there lady; life is too precious to be blue for too long

[wineman77]

You shouldn't have faked it, but hes being a baby about it. The problem with faking an O is that he didn't have a chance to find what worked. Intimacy takes some exploration and its a fun journey. I think in this case, you hurt his pride. You mentioned he doesn't last long anyway. I'll bet he knows his bedroom skills are not his strongest asset, and you knocked him down another peg. Not sure how you fix it though. For him to get so outraged, sex may not be a comfortable subject for him, and it would take openness, conversation ,and understanding to patch up your issue.

[Wakeup]

But I don't understand how if he said he loved me, he wouldn't be able to see why I did what I did.

Just because you love someone it doesn't mean you let them abuse you. What you did was akin to emotional abuse.

If You don't understand why he has done what he has done... Then you've not learned a bloody thing from this debacle.

You LIED to him and then you told him the truth which was a GIANTblow to his ego not to mention made him feel foolish and embarrassed by your acting.

How could he ever trust you are actually enjoying yourself in the future. How?

Can you not use your empathy to help you understand how he has done what he has done... which was break up with you? "Love" is never enough... particularly when it is a new love like your was which more times then not is just lust and infatuation and has nothing to do with "love."

How could YOU want to be with him knowing that you will never have "enough passion" in bed with him?

Be glad it's over, work on yourself to have the confidence to tell a man what makes you cum and be able to do it so that it's said sexily to him which will keep the mood alive. Learn that you DO NOT WANT TO SETTLE for someone who you are eventually going to have to let go because there isn't enough to keep you together.

I do give you Kudos for being upfront about your STD. ALWAYS be honest about that because anyone you are with sexually deserves the right to choose whether or not they have sex with you and that they are aware that they need to wear a rubber.

[Bambizzle]

I understand why he did what he did. But there was passion, in every aspect except the sex.... But like someone else said, I never gave him a chance, So that's on me. I told him I'd like to go the CCW class with him if that was ok with him, and he said yes, that fine. I haven't spoken with him since then though. The class is in two weeks, so I probably won't see him till then. Did he just say I could go with him to be nice? Would anyone else, if in this situation, ever be able to be friends after this. Or is that just wishful thinking. He's an amazing person, that I would still love to have in my life. The thought of him not being in my life anymore absolutely breaks me up inside. I understand what I did though, and I understand the consequences that may come with it. I'm not texting him anymore, I'm trying to give him his space.

[Wakeup]

You're very foolish if you hang around him in the demoted state from lover and friend to just friend. You will never get over him and if he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore then he should do the kind thing and stop inviting you places so that you can actually get over him.

Don't sell yourself short by allowing yourself to be demoted Just so you can keep him in your life for his crumbs. Doing that will just stagnate you from moving on and cause you a whole lot of ongoing pain.

It was a short relationship. Don't let three months together turn into years of feeling sad apart but in each others life in a lesser capacity.

It hurts, no doubt but: You'll get over him quick enough if you let yourself.

[fearoflove]

Just because you didn't have an orgasm doesn't make the relationship passionless. And why would you tell him you faked it? That doesn't do anything except to hurt his feelings. You should have just guided him during sex on how to make things feel better, not outright tell him he sucks in bed. He might be in the process of forgiving you (most guys would if they are given sex). I suspect he just said all those things because he was hurt and in the heat of the moment.

Tip: You can try to turn this into makeup sex. Tell him that he can practice on you until he gets good.

[jere]

Just keep distance to him, let him think over the situation, he will contact you if he gets over your lie. I think it was right thing to do to correct the lie, even if it did worsen the situation, i, myself respect truth more than pretty lies