Originally Posted by
British-guy
Hi, this is the first time I’ve posted anything like this but I thought it’d be interesting to put in to words brutally honestly the problems I have with relationships, and just to reflect on the size of the problems I have! I will sincerely take on advice provided you have my best interests at heart and are knowledgeable on the subject. I won’t take advice from people who are jealous or somehow have an axe to grind.
I’m a British guy in my 30s. I have a girlfriend. We’ve been together 10 months. Actually she lives 12 hours away so we meet every once in a while only, but for a few days. In the last month, I’ve had quite a strong crush on another girl, and today it’s really driving me crazy. Because I saw her today, and we said ‘hi’. Yes, that’s all. I know, I’m acting like a young teenager. I’m really quite a crazy sick and desperate individual (actually, I think other people might think this as unusual, but to me I seem normal).
You see I go to a sports club, and the girl I have a crush on is the daughter of one of the members. The girl in question is 19 years old. In a probably slightly sick kind of way I’ve been getting closer to her mother and father – her mum and dad think I’m a very eligible kind of guy, a really honest nice person, intelligent, good prospects, a good suitor. I have this skill I’ve cultivated where I can convince older people that I walk on water. I’m rubbish at some aspects of dating (I’m shy to make first conversation), but I’m good at some things, and winning over parents is one of them. So here I am, I’ve basically got her mum and dad in my spell. I should probably explain I’m in a part of the World where I’m the ONLY blue-eyed foreigner in the whole town here – I fully acknowledge dating would be so much more difficult at home. But in this place at this time I have this special skill. Actually, it’s no accident I’m here – I moved around the world primarily to get a girlfriend.
I have this way of dating where I go for girls spookily all 18 or 19 years old, wide eyed fresh out of school, have some freedom, interested in dating (perhaps for the first time), optimistic about the World. I love that. I always keep the parents in the picture. Usually the parents are willing participants in this charade, or at the very worst silent observers who daren’t criticise their daughter. In this part of the World girls are very respectful of their own bodies and the girls this age are protective of virginity. So it’s not about sex strictly speaking. Sure we have a bit of fun, and we always have time in private. The gf before my current one would meet me in a hotel room in another city after school (she was 18), change in to stylish clothes, we’d go out, and I’d return her home by 10pm – sometimes with a gift for her mum. Always no alcohol. The gf before that one, 19 years old, I dated for a few months – I took her and her baby sister and friend on holiday for a week. I’m trusted.
I do all this genuinely. Every relationship at the beginning feels like true love, and I honestly engage in a relationship thinking it could last forever. I’m honest in the beginning. And then at some point (in my current relationship, after 8 months, about 2 months ago), I start to have some doubt. Usually at the same time as having a crush on someone else.
My current gf is perfect in so many ways. I have a crush on someone else, but my gf is really fantastic. She’s so confident, compassionate, listens, emotionally dependable, level-headed, just really wonderful in those ways. And I’m so immensely happy when we’re together. She thinks we’ll get married soon. This is her life plan and her culture to find a dependable guy and get married and stay together through thick and thin. Everything’s perfect. Except for two things – I worry that intellectually she’s a little er.. not exactly top-of-the-class. We don’t speak English together, she hasn’t really learnt yet, ok she’s only 19, but she should be learning more English a little quicker than she has been so far. This is a nagging doubt of mine, but it’s a small doubt but it’s not shifting with time. And then on top of that I have this ridiculous crush.
But you see the point is, this crush I have with the sports club friend’s daughter is not ridiculous! Maybe she’s perfect – very intelligent, level-headed, reliable, sexy (of course…, in a nerdy way right now, she’s not really come out of her shell so to speak). I really believe she could be the perfect girl for me, and the excitement of not knowing is killing me. It shouldn’t be about the challenge, of winning over two parents and a girl so much younger than me, but every girl always seems to be about a challenge in some way. But most of all it’s about me being lonely. And desperately wanting someone to look after me and give me support. I should probably mention I live alone and sometimes spend all weekend alone, and then my life is interspersed with intense love, flirting, building friendships, obsessions, etc. And I’ve turned this in to a big challenge of only dating 18-19 year old girls, and sometimes with an extra challenge thrown in (intelligent, rich family, etc.).
Some part of me thinks I’m a sick individual who is causing a trail of destruction. The last gf when I dumped her was probably more or less fine after a while, but if I dump my current gf I’ll feel very bad about that. Very bad indeed. This would be a mistake I would never want to repeat. But I’m always acting honestly and trying my best, but I’m just not very good at this dating thing.
Ok so this is a big step laying out the honest truth to, well, anyone. I know girl friends think I’m a bit unhinged with dating, I think Guy friends don’t really notice the problem. But now it’s all laid out in black and white, the last 13 months of my life. I’m in my 30s remember, so there’s a lot more before. And there’s patterns forming.
Advice to improve please!