I'm So Confused

[Rose3191]

So I've had feelings for my long time guy friend for YEARS. He doesn't know, not yet anyway. We're both 23 now and things are happening that are leading me to believe he might feel the same way.

I would be happy about that, but there's sort of an issue. He had a thing with a friend of both of ours about a year ago. It wasn't really a relationship, but it ended on a pretty bad note and she confided in me. And through that whole ordeal I kept my feelings bottled up. So she doesn't know how I feel about him either. I don't want to ruin my friendship with the girl, but years of growing feelings towards my guy friend can't just go away. And I'm trying hard to push them aside, but I can't.

Do you think it would be wrong for me to pursue a relationship with him, should he feel the same way? Years of my feelings can't be put away like this. I don't know what else to do

[basilandthyme]

Why did things end on a bad note between him and your friend? Wondering if there are warning signs about him which you should heed.

[Rose3191]

Well they were friends before everything started (they still are, but things are a little awkward now, of course), but not entirely close to say where they knew a lot about each other. And so he was interested in her because he was attracted to her.

But he said the more they hung out, the more he realized they didn't have much in common, and he sort of started to pull away from her without ever actually ending things completely. That was basically why it ended badly. I was told that he didn't know how to end it and didn't want to hurt her feelings, because of the fact that they were friends before. But I don't think he realized that waiting probably did more damage than just ending it. And so the girl got a lot more invested in the "relationship" than he did. Eventually they had the serious talk and he broke it off with her.

And they both kept the entire thing a secret from others, so basically he doesn't know that she told me either. It's especially difficult because the guy has been a close friend of mine since toddler days.

[Wakeup]

Well, I don't mean to burst your bubble but don't you think that if this guy saw you as more then a friend he would have asked you out already? After all, he had no trouble getting with the other "friend" when he thought it could move past the platonic stage.

My suggestion to you is to distance yourself from him (and her if she keeps bringing up his name) so that you can get over your crush and you can stop wasting your good dating years pining for a guy that, after all this time, hasn't made a move on you.

If you don't want to do that then just ask him out and see what he has to say and then take the above advise if he says "no' or get on with it if he says "yes." You will likely lose the female friend though because you know the saying "chicks before dicks," right?

[Rose3191]

Yes, I know there's truth in what you're saying. I won't argue with that! Thank you for the honesty. If someone else were to come along I won't hesitate because, like you said, he did have his time and if he wanted to make a move by now, he would. I know that and I can admit it, if it's anything I can do at all lol

I had actually given up on having anything at all with him for a while, because of the simple fact he never made a move on me. But the only reason is just because recently, he's changed the way he is around me.

And yep, I do know about chicks before dicks. I wouldn't have asked this question if I didn't know of that saying. That's the whole reason why I'm feeling this way.

However, I will not be asking him out. Too many years of friendship to hold onto that. I wouldn't risk it being awkward like it is with him and our friend. I guess I'll just have to do like what you say and move on!

[Wakeup]

You're showing your maturity and ability to logic things out, Rose. Stick around and contribute here if you have the time/inkling to help others with your insight.

Cheers and here's to a speedy "moving on" to you.

[michelle23]

Why are you torturing yourself like this? You and he are not friends coz you have always wanted more. A friendship is purely platonic. This isn't so either date the guy or break up with him mentally and emotionally. You gotta treat it like an actual breakup to get over him which means going your separate ways now so you can heal and move on to someone who does want you as a girlfriend.

Its time to shit or get off the pot. Either go out with him or cut off the friendship completely. Stop keeping yourself stuck in limbo. Its ridiculous.

[Rose3191]

I understand where you're coming from, and you're right, but I'm not cutting the friendship thank you. His family is friends with my family and there's honestly no way I can just stop seeing him because he's always around.

However I can and I will move on from him. It can be done, and it might take some time for me but I will do it. I'm not an idiot. And I know that this all may seem ridiculous to some but it's how I feel. Sorry about that? Thank you for your advice though, I appreciate it.