How to act in this situation?

[afilipov]

Hi everyone,
• I would like to share my problem with you and see how you would act if you were in my position. Long story long, 2-3 years ago I was one of this type of men who were “riding the wave” so to speak. Not getting emotional and just living freely while having fun with other people and women. Everything that my life was centred around was my Ego and my intention to enjoy myself. I had learned to love myself and prioritize my happiness.

• Then I went to study from my own country (Bulgaria) to England. Two months later I started chatting with a girl from my own home town (in Bulgaria). We started enjoying our company and two months after that I returned to Bulgaria for the holidays and we formed a relationship. We decided to stay together even though long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain. She was madly in love with me but even though I loved her very much I still kept some part of me free for some reason. Make no mistake I didn’t cheat on her and I wasn’t planning to. I just needed this freedom, call it “careless flirting” if you will. After being apart for 4 months, I returned to Bulgaria for a month at the end of the summer holidays. We were spending our time happily and everything was perfect. This is the first girlfriend I see as a “marriage material” and I had an intention to keep her as much as I can (I am 22 by the way).

• Two weeks after that I forgot my Facebook opened and she read most of my chat history with my friends and the girls that I have been chatting with. In some conversations with my friends I was speaking badly of some of her negative traits that I found annoying at that time. She told me and we were on the verge of breaking up. She had lost her trust in me but since she loved me so much she tried to forgive me. In the next few months I tried to regain her trust and show her that I had made a mistake and I want to be with her because I loved her very much. Somehow I managed to persuade her of my feelings and after everything went back to normal, we started loving each other even more than before. During all this time she was more of an indoors person and she was focused entirely on me and my wellbeing in our relationship. She hasn’t done a single bad thing in our relationship.

• Anyway, she decided to go and work for 4 months in Amerika during the summer. She asked me if I was willing to wait her and be her support during that time. I agreed even though I thought that the tension would break us apart because she tended to distance herself when in stress (and the upcoming period was going to be very stressful). Two months in, while being able to communicate very rarely because both of us were working, most of the things I heard from her were how much the people love her there and how happy she is that people show interest in her and flirt with her etc. Moreover, I saw how I became less of a priority and she paid less and less attention to me. I was jealous and in need of being loved because it was a hard time. I told her but there wasn’t such a big change.

• So I took the stupid decision to break up with her because I was scared of her telling me: “I do not need you any more, I have all I need from the people around me”. Later on, I realized that I am too in love with her not to keep her in my life. It was too late and the damage was done. She expected me to be her support while she was alone in Amerika and I had let her down. We saw each other when she came back and it has been six months since then. I managed to make her forgive me but she was not the same person I knew. We still made love and spent time together but she distanced herself from me. Even though she is saying that she loves me and wants to be with me once we are settled somewhere where we can actually be together, she does not want to be in a relationship with me right now, she values her freedom (up to such a degree that she can say and do whatever she likes without concerning if I am going to be hurt and that is often the case).

• She still loves me and doesn’t want to have anyone else than me so she is not chasing any boys or anything like that. The problem is that I am living in her shadows waiting for her to feel the need to be loved so that I could feel something mutual. She is being very reserved now and rarely expresses her feelings for me without any “stimulation” on my behalf. I love her so much that I am under constant depression and stress that I can lose her at any moment despite her telling me not to worry. I need her to love me and want me fully as she once did. I cannot control my feelings for her and during these last 6 months I lost a lot of weight from all this worry, I had some cases of emotion crisis (3 days ago I cracked a rib from crying…).

• She will go and work in America this year as well and she tells me that I am the man that she wants to be with once we are together in Bulgaria or somewhere, once we finish our studies. Her motives for not wanting to be with me at this stage are that she became used to being alone and that if we were together and I were to break up with her again it would devastate her. She thinks that if we are not together and I decide to leave, she wouldn’t take it so badly because in a way I would not be obliged to stay. However, she is still displaying these patterns of apathy and love and that kills me. I haven’t been happy since I broke up with her, yet, somehow I still want her. I am exchanging my happiness for hers and lost all my self-respect and dignity just so I can take her back.

• Waiting is not an option because I can see that my feelings and depression are getting worse and I cannot even function properly (study or work). I am afraid of losing her but at the same time I am depressed because of this situation. Should I “threaten” her by saying that I cannot live like this anymore and I want to leave her because she is not the same person, or should I try to wait and bear all this and let her come to me (as she says) once we can be together in one place? I want to feel loved or at least alone and at peace. Right now I am neither and both at the same time and it kills me. Please share your thoughts and help me! Thank you!

[basilandthyme]

Would love to help - but could you edit in some paragraph breaks please?

[afilipov]

Hello, I apologize for the format, tell me if it is still unreadable and I will further change it if needed. Thanks