How do I stop feeling so jealous and insecure when other lads approach my girlfriend?

[DD100]

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years and we love eachother very much. We get on great 95% of the time and we laugh together alot. We both have a similar sense of humour so we bounce off eachother.

She's always had alot of attention off other lads because she's absolutely gorgeous! She's very friendly and she's also naturally quite flirty.

I knew that when we got together so it didn't bother me - Infact, I used to take it as a compliment when other lads approached her. I was totally at ease because I knew she loved me and also because I trusted her so much. She used to dance and flirt with other lads on nights out and I was ok with it!

After being together for 8 months my girlfriend had to move 150 miles away for work commitments. It would be for 6 months and we made the best of it. We spoke everyday and we visited eachother every weekend. It was great and we looked forward to seeing eachother.

But after being away for 4 months she kissed another lad. I found out from someone else and her initial reaction was to deny it! I knew she had and the trust was completely broken! It hurt a lot! Not even so much the kiss - just the fact I felt like she had that little regard for me and that other people knew and I never!

She begged for another chance and I could see how much she regretted it. I loved her too much to break up over a kiss!

To be fair she can't have done anything more since to make things right. She even came back home straight away and she didn't go back because she thought I wouldn't be able to trust her.

But since then I've been very insecure and get really jealous when lads talk to her! I get really tense! We have daft arguments on nights out because of it and I hate how highly strung I am now! It's a horrible trait and I've never been like this before!

Part of my reason for being so insecure is that she also cheated on her ex. She slept with someone behind his back. She knows that was very wrong and she told me that when we first started seeing eachother. I know that their relationship was very bad though, which is still no excuse for what she did, but I dont want that to play on my mind but it does now.

I just want to feel relaxed again and not feel threatened. Its the only real negative issue in our relationship because everything else is really good.

My insecurity and jealousy are issue's I've got to deal with head on because she has been brilliant. I love her so much and I acknowledge the fact that I have these issues because I want to put them right.

Any advice?

[in.love.]

Honestly, I only read the title of your post because it said everything I needed to know. You lack self-confidence, buddy. Your girlfriend chose you because she wants to be with you. I'm not one to flatter myself, but I get plenty of attention from other men, and my heart belongs solely and 100% to my boyfriend, and I wouldn't ever dream of leaving him; especially for another man. Your girlfriend probably feels the same way about you. My boyfriend has his jealous moments, but if he could see inside my heart and know how much I love him, he'd never worry; ever again. I would sit down with your girlfriend and be totally honest with her, without sounding too jealous or clingy. Just let her know that you have some self-confidence issues, and you realize that, and ask her how that makes her feel. Part of her will probably think it's kinda cute, while the other part of her will most likely remind her to affectionately touch your hand or arm, or put her arm around you when other men are talking to her. That's what I do to my boyfriend, to silently let him know "Yes, I can tell that this guy is hitting on me, but you're the only one for me, and hopefully he'll go away soon".

[Wakeup]

She knows Part of my reason for being so insecure is that she also cheated on her ex. She slept with someone behind his back. She knows that was very wrong and she told me that when we first started seeing eachother.

she knows its very wrong but she keeps doing it anyway. You can't learn to trust someone who is untrustworthy, doesn't learn lessons, is an attention whore and basically (by the sounds of things,) not monogamous by nature... seems she keeps wanting someone at home while she fiddles with someone while outside the home.

You best take a look at who you are with and then tell yourself "No wonder I can't trust her."

You may be insecure in general but when someone is giving you good reason to be jealous and insecure then the problem is NOT yours.

[DD100]

Yeah WakeUp, I know what you're saying but over the past 12 months, since she kissed another lad, she hasn't been anything like how she used to be. She doesn't dance and flirt with other lads anymore so she's not encouraging the attention she gets. Lads approach her because she's very good looking and that's never going to stop. It would be unrealistic for me to expect that to stop and shes not doing anything wrong. Yeah it was very bad how she treated her ex and she knows that too and she's not proud of it atall. She massively regrets hurting me and she has changed her ways. When she thought she was going to lose me she begged for another chance, and she says it's only when she seen how much she hurt me and thought she had lost me that she realised that relationships need a mutual respect for them to work and she genuinely hadn't realised that until that moment. I'm 26 and she is 21 and neither of us had ever been in love before we met eachother. I don't want to wave the white flag on this relationship, although I have thought about it countless times over the past year, because I would kick myself for throwing it away based on my insecurities when she has changed her ways and showin me how much she regretted what happened. I just want to learn how to relax again and feel secure like I used to be in the first 12 months. I've never been insecure or jealous in the past and I was just seeing if anyone has had a similar experience and learned how to overcome their jealousy and insecurity issues

[Wakeup]

You learn how to overcome them by picking someone that is actually trustworthy.

You say she gets attention from other men because she's hot and she's only 21. She's got a lot of growing up to do and many options a head of her and if she doesn't learn to shut men down quickly, (instead of kissing them or cheating with them) then she will cave to someone else's attention.

"She didn't realized that relationships need mutual respect until after she seen how much what she did hurt you?" You said she's cheated before. Did she not hurt her last partner? Is she basically dumb? O.o

Anyway, you're not going to leave her so I wish you luck in learning how to self-sooth those fears and that jealousy. Time and if she's learned to shut down attention from other men are about the only ways I know how you're going to be trusting of her.

[TablesandChairs]

When I was 18 to early 20's and still going to clubs, I had to be careful not to make eye-contact with guys because that tended to invite unwelcomed attention. So, it's no wonder these guys are all over her if she's giving them even a hint of flirtation. It doesn't take much.

She's 21 - it's a fun time. But she needs to decide whether she wants to be single and 21 or partnered at 21. The latter requires adjustment to how one acts in social situations. She's apologetic and has made a lot of changes so far so that's a good sign, it sounds like she really regrets her actions. And it's true - you can't expect other guys not to notice her if she's a pretty 21 year old - that's beyond her control. What she can control is her flirting and how she reacts when she does get male attention. There's no need to indulge these guys in lengthy conversations, hugs and giggles...they're not after a BFF. She's not with you because she can't get anyone else by the sounds of it so it's looking like her feelings are genuine.

[jenniferaniston]

Is your woman everything to you? Is she the only thing you live for? Not only is that sad but it is an easy path to jealousy. When she is the only thing you've got you fear letting go of her. Secure men don't depend on their relationship for all their satisfaction in life. They have other things that bring them happiness. So if their woman leaves it won't crush them or tear them in two. Get the rest of your life in order and overcoming insecurity won't be such a big deal.You can tie yourself up in knots about something that isn't even true. Overcoming insecurity means being an optimist and assuming the best.

[DD100]

She's not dumb! Yes, she's been reckless with both mine and her ex's feelings in the past and yes, it has put seeds of doubt into my mind on whether or not she can be fully trusted again. But she's far from dumb!

She's made a couple of big mistakes and hurt us both but I would be a lot more concerned if I never seen any signs of her learning from them mistakes, and just carrying on the way she had before.

The past 12 months she hasn't acted in anyway close to the way she had previously. Even in the 12 months before she kissed this other lad, when she did used to dance and flirt with others on night's out, I know for a solid fact she hadn't cheated on me.

When she did hurt me I could see how much she regretted it and she begged and begged me for another chance. I pointed out that I'm not prepared to end up being treated like her ex and I also asked her to put herself in my shoes and see how she would feel if I acted the way she had on night's out. I pointed out that the way she hurt her ex isn't right atall, even if their relationship was a bad one! It's still no excuse for what she did and I weren't prepared to put up with it myself.

When she says she didn't realise until that moment that relationships need a mutual respect for eachother I can believe it! She's young and her previous relationship was a bad one and she didn't love him. He finished her as soon as she cheated on him so she never really got to see the damage and hurt her actions caused him. But she seen how much she hurt me and how close she was to losing me. Maybe she needed that as a wake up call because she has changed alot!

People can make mistakes but it's how you learn from them that shows your true character and she's been brilliant. It's far too easy to condemn someone but if you're not prepared to forgive, and give second chances within reason, then you run a far greater risk of ending up bitter and twisted.

I think a big reason for me not really getting back to the way I used to be is because only a week after I found out she had kissed somebody else, I found out my mother was dieing. She had taken ill suddenly and was told she only had a couple of months to live. So my head was scrambled and I never really got a chance to process my thoughts. For the next couple of months as my mum was dieing, and also for a little while after, I was horrible to my girlfriend and used to throw what she did at me in my face all the time. She just put up with it and was just trying her best to support me. She was very supportive and said she could understand me being like that. But I wasn't happy with myself being like that.

The last six months though things have been alot better. We get on great again, we have fun and we laugh together alot. It's just sometimes my mind races when lads talk to her and I get ridiculously insecure and jealous. She is desperate for my trust back and she accepts it will take time. She knows I never used to be like this and I know it's something that I've got to address myself.

I've got plenty of outside interests from outside the relationship. I go the gym, I play sports and I've got a very good group of mates. I've got a brilliant family and I've also got a 3 year old daughter that I see twice a week and that my girlfriend is brilliant with. I have a good job and in general I'm a happy guy. My only downside is the feelings of jealousy and insecurity I now have and that's what I am trying to address.

Thanks for everyone's views and opinions Its much appreciated! In all honesty, just these few comments and the chance to write on here to strangers is already clearing my mindset because when I write about it it gives me clarity in how much she's changed and how stupid I am for allowing jealousy and insecurity to get the better of me, so thanks

[Wakeup]

She's not dumb! Yes, she's been reckless with both mine and her ex's feelings in the past and yes, it has put seeds of doubt into my mind on whether or not she can be fully trusted again. But she's far from dumb!

She's made a couple of big mistakes and hurt us both but I would be a lot more concerned if I never seen any signs of her learning from them mistakes, and just carrying on the way she had before.

The past 12 months she hasn't acted in anyway close to the way she had previously. Even in the 12 months before she kissed this other lad, when she did used to dance and flirt with others on night's out, I know for a solid fact she hadn't cheated on me.

When she did hurt me I could see how much she regretted it and she begged and begged me for another chance. I pointed out that I'm not prepared to end up being treated like her ex and I also asked her to put herself in my shoes and see how she would feel if I acted the way she had on night's out. I pointed out that the way she hurt her ex isn't right atall, even if their relationship was a bad one! It's still no excuse for what she did and I weren't prepared to put up with it myself.

When she says she didn't realise until that moment that relationships need a mutual respect for eachother I can believe it! She's young and her previous relationship was a bad one and she didn't love him. He finished her as soon as she cheated on him so she never really got to see the damage and hurt her actions caused him. But she seen how much she hurt me and how close she was to losing me. Maybe she needed that as a wake up call because she has changed alot!

People can make mistakes but it's how you learn from them that shows your true character and she's been brilliant. It's far too easy to condemn someone but if you're not prepared to forgive, and give second chances within reason, then you run a far greater risk of ending up bitter and twisted.

I think a big reason for me not really getting back to the way I used to be is because only a week after I found out she had kissed somebody else, I found out my mother was dieing. She had taken ill suddenly and was told she only had a couple of months to live. So my head was scrambled and I never really got a chance to process my thoughts. For the next couple of months as my mum was dieing, and also for a little while after, I was horrible to my girlfriend and used to throw what she did at me in my face all the time. She just put up with it and was just trying her best to support me. She was very supportive and said she could understand me being like that. But I wasn't happy with myself being like that.

The last six months though things have been alot better. We get on great again, we have fun and we laugh together alot. It's just sometimes my mind races when lads talk to her and I get ridiculously insecure and jealous. She is desperate for my trust back and she accepts it will take time. She knows I never used to be like this and I know it's something that I've got to address myself.

I've got plenty of outside interests from outside the relationship. I go the gym, I play sports and I've got a very good group of mates. I've got a brilliant family and I've also got a 3 year old daughter that I see twice a week and that my girlfriend is brilliant with. I have a good job and in general I'm a happy guy. My only downside is the feelings of jealousy and insecurity I now have and that's what I am trying to address.

Thanks for everyone's views and opinions Its much appreciated! In all honesty, just these few comments and the chance to write on here to strangers is already clearing my mindset because when I write about it it gives me clarity in how much she's changed and how stupid I am for allowing jealousy and insecurity to get the better of me, so thanks

Good luck!

[DD100]

Thanks wakeup