I don't know if this will help me, but it's an outlet to talk, and I'm hoping someone might have some insight, similar experiences to share, etc.
Background: I've been in a relationship with a woman for about a year and nine months. It has, for the most part, been at the least OK - we have one long-standing and continuing issue in that she has a real problem with the fact that I play in a band with the woman I was with before her, even though I was the one who initiated that breakup, I was up front about it from the beginning, and my ex and I are on strictly platonic terms, with boundaries that are respected by both of us. We've fought about that for literally over a year. Anyway. Other than that, we get along fine, can generally have a good time together, our sex life is healthy, etc.
But I am thinking about ending the relationship. She wants to move in together in a few months, and that potential event has me evaluating the whole thing. There's nothing *wrong* with her, per se - I mean, there are things she does that drive me crazy (she's a hypochondriac and catastrophizer, she's much more dependent in the relationship than I am, she can be fairly negative, and has some big insecurity issues), but I don't know if they're necessarily deal breakers, and I'm sure there are plenty of things about me that bug her - and she is, at heart, a kind, caring person who obviously loves me a great deal. At the same time, I find myself feeling restless and uncomfortable. I daydream about being single - not because I want to go out and sleep with a bunch of women, but because of the independence of it, the lack of responsibility for someone else's happiness. My girlfriend has told me she'd be "devastated" if we ever broke up and has used phrases like "You're my world" as terms of affection, and both freak me out because the idea that I have that much power to affect someone's emotional well-being is terrifying to me.
So, OK...end it, right? But I worry. I worry because this is something of a pattern with me. I acknowledge that I have a fear of commitment. Philosophically, I love the idea of finding my person, the one who I'll want to spend my life with...but in reality, I've never been able to reconcile that desire with the need for independence and self-determination that feel so much a part of me, both of which are, if we're speaking realistically, unavoidably at least partially diminished in a committed, long-term relationship. I am constantly questioning if there might be someone out there better suited to me - I mean, I acknowledge that every relationship has issues and problems and nobody's perfect, but I can't shake that feeling. But I can *never* shake that feeling, in any relationship.
I don't know. Have you read the book (or seen the movie) High Fidelity? The main character in that has to deal with the fact that he's unable to be happy with what he has, and comes to realize that jumping from rock to rock isn't the way to go. He has the classic line, "I've been thinking with my guts since I was fourteen years old, and frankly speaking, between you and me, I have come to the conclusion that my guts have **** for brains." And I feel that's true. My gut is telling me to leave but, over the course of my romantic life, my gut has led me to bad decision after bad decision. I don't trust myself. And I don't know whether the problems I'm having with this relationship are due to that, or due to the relationship actually not being one in which I should be taking the steps we're talking about taking.
How do I figure that out? How do I know if this is something I just need to work on within myself, or if the relationship, as adequate as it's been, is truly not one I should be taking to these next levels? I'm so torn over this. Breaking up with my girlfriend would crush her - I'm not an egoist, but she's flat-out told me it would, and the thought of causing her that pain fills me with dread and sadness, because I do love her and hate the idea of breaking her heart. And I'd rather not go down that road if this is a matter of me learning to be happy with what's in front of me, learning to be able to commit, learning to accept the loss of certain independence in exchange for other benefits. But if the problems are real enough for it to matter, then trying to make it work, taking the step to move in together, would be a HUGE mistake.
I have to decide this so soon, and it's killing me. Help.