Really don't know what to do anymore...

[snoopy1983]

I'm 31 and I've been in a relationship for the past 11 years until about 7 months ago (will come back onto that later) with a guy 9 years older than me. My boyfriend is quite the introvert, who has had a rough childhood and has troubles talking about his feelings. I never 'really' felt something wrong during this time, except that he is not really affectionate and we did not have sex on a regular basis, but I felt secure with him and we share so many interests, so I never asked any questions. I also felt that after being in a relationship for so long, this would be quite 'natural'. I always loved and cared for him, even though he wasn't always able to show me his feelings. We have no kids, are not married and were living together for years, because of his background he has a little fear for commitment.

Anyway, about 7 months ago, a guy (2 years older than me) I have been good friends with for the past 12 years, kissed me quite unexpectedly on a party. I was a little shocked since I never thought in a romantic way of him before. He told me that he has been in love with me for years but never was able to tell me as he was afraid it might risk our friendship. The problem is that he is in a troubled relationship for years, and as a friend, he came to seek out my advice on what he should do with his girlfriend before. I told him I was in a relationship (he knew that already) and that I never really thought of him that way. But I found myself in a high speed train falling in love with him after the day we kissed, in a way I never felt in love with anyone before. So at first I thought that maybe I was infatuated by him, and that maybe the sense of adventure compared to being in a relationship for such a long time made me feel this way and it would go away after a while, but I still feel this way now, after 7 months my heart still pounds when he's just standing next to me. I felt guilty for having romantic feelings for another guy after a month or two, so I told my boyfriend that I had feelings for another guy which I didn't know what to do with and that I lacked affection and sex in our relationship. He said that I was right and he hadn't been providing for what he should have, but that it was in his personality and that he had this problem in previous relationships as well and that I had every right to find someone else. We decided to give it some time, he would move back to an apartment and we'd see each other once a week to do things together. Meanwhile, the guy I fell in love with told me that he wanted to leave his girlfriend so he could be with me and he has this whole image of what our future could be like. He started to take steps to leave his girlfriend (it's complicated ).To be honest, I felt confused and tried to push him away sometimes, but I felt myself being pulled in again by the feelings I have for him every time. And those feelings I try to hide, but he seems to just be able to read it from my face. He is the one I can share everything with, my thoughts, laughs and I know he feels love in a similar way that I do. I know he is truthful, so it's not one of those situations where he is 'tired of his girlfriend or 'technically' cheating on her' or has done this before (mind that I know him for many years!), I can tell by the way he looks at me it comes from somewhere very deep. His complicated situation also has been confirmed by other people without him knowing that I know, so I know it is the truth.

My boyfriend comes here every week and not much in his behavior has changed in terms of affection or sex. But.. there are the other 'small things' that show in a way that he loves me (e.g. my lamp breaks down so he buys a new one, he wants to take care of my dog when I am on a business trip, pay for my online subscription, he'll try to fix something, make me coffee..) and I feel bad. I tried to talk to him several times, but he can't open up about his feelings. It's like talking to a wall. Once I got him to talk a little, he told me that he cannot give me what I ask of him and that for that reason, he can't be my boyfriend anymore as it would make me sad. But we can be 'friends'. But I feel he still loves me, which is not something he will admit or confirm... and I think it's hurting both of us. I do not oblige him to come over here, but every time he does he seems to enjoy it. He is quite the loner, so I let him come over, as I don't want him to go lock himself away somewhere as I care about him.
So now I find myself in a position that I'm in love with two guys, but in a completely different way. On the one hand, there's my 11 year long relationship with a guy I care for that I think cares for me too, but is unable to show or tell me his feelings in terms of love, we have a good relationship otherwise together and I feel secure and safe. I don't know if that is something I can give up to take a plunge in the unknown and I don't want to hurt him because I care too much.

On the other hand, there is my friend who I have the "crazy in love" feeling for, whom I can talk to, and I can feel the love, affection and desire with even if we haven't gone there yet, but it is complicated if we would ever want to be together because of his current situation. The problem is, that I feel like it's something that I might regret to not have tried in the longer run.

So I don't know anymore, I've given this so much thought and I really do not know what to do. It has an impact on my daily life. I want to be able to make the right decision and move on. I've tried to talk to my parents, my friends.. they are all quite biased. Some don't like my boyfriend, others think my friend is going to give me a lot of hurt, they are quite mixed about it. I've tried to go on a date with some guys (as my friends thought this might help), but I'm just not interested in finding another guy, I've tried to be the happy single and putting the love life next to me for a while, but find myself unhappy, I'm just not made to be alone. So here I am, maybe a objective stranger can give me some thoughts on how they feel about this whole situation. Thank you for reading.

[TablesandChairs]

This isn't so much about the new guy - that new guy could have been anyone. The problem has always been your current relationship.

11 years is a very long time - a long time not to be married or have a kid, but lets take that away because it's assuming you want those things and not every one does. But after 11 years, to not have your partner open up to you or show feelings/love - that's one closed off man. Maybe it's his past or maybe it's just his personality. Even he agrees. So, removing affection, removing sex and removing passion - what you have is a really good friend. Someone you're comfortable with and who does care about you.

But without the things that make an intimate relationship intimate...you're always going to feel unfulfilled, wanting me, feeling like you're missing out. And for that reason - regardless of anyone else - you need to reconsider things. He's had 11 years to change - my guess is that he won't. This is who he is and probably always will be so the onus is on you to figure out whether this is something you can settle for (forever) or whether you're dragging out the inevitable.

[derroa]

So what is his current situation? Seems like his "current situation" is a major factor that's making you feel confused, but you didn't really say more than that he's taking steps towards breaking up... So what steps and what's his situation?

[snoopy1983]

[MENTION=67819]TablesandChairs[/MENTION]: The problem is that I have supported with this "behavior" for the past 11 years and while I was not entirely okay with it, I seem to have lived with it. During these years, other guys have tried to express their interest and I never even looked at them or doubted. And for some reason, this incident now has in a way "opened my eyes" and I don't quite understand why.

[MENTION=79439]derroa[/MENTION]: One year after my friend and I met, I got into my relationship. My friend was still single back then and it wasn't until 2-3 years later that he met his girlfriend. She just broke up with her man who she had a daughter with who was really small at the time. I personally believe it was a case where my friend and her both felt lonely and got together for the wrong reasons, moved in together and from there, they got into a sort of routine.

She has always had problems, she would be incredibly jealous (even though I'm positive he never cheated on her), controlling and manipulating of him when we were just friends. 4 years ago they had a little "spark" again and had a daughter together. So she insisted on taking on a big loan and buy an expensive house, which they did. My friends would joke at him that maybe he should get married to her (as they knew it was something he really didn't want to), and he would just get up and leave if they did that.

Anyway, about a year ago, things got worse with her, she got into depression, didn't go to work anymore, started to show signs of aggression and self-destructive behavior and started seeing a psychologist. The reason for this would be something in her childhood. My friend went through a hard period because of this, since it was practically impossible to live in the same house with her and we could see that he was really stressed, he went to see a doctor over a few months as he has signs of hyperventilation and fainting, but they couldn't really find anything wrong with him. He eventually now told her that he wants out, that he wants to find an arrangement now to keep their daughter and sell the house, but it is not something she will accept, to the point that she threatens to kill herself. At one point he mustered the courage to tell her he would just leave, they had to call the doctor to give her a sedative and the doctor requested him to follow some kind of "separation therapy" with her, which he has been doing and currently they are not living in the same house for a couple of weeks to see how things go. Then he hopes to be able to reason with her to make a settlement.

She knows he has feelings towards me and occasionally she texts me nasty things, which I never respond to, although I haven't taken any real steps to engage anything with him in a different manner than I did before. So, she's basically dragging him through the dirt in her last attempt to keep him there and it doesn't look like she will arrange for a settlement any time soon. Of course he is worried about his daughter and he doesn't want to ruin the life of his daughter's mother completely, since that would be like shooting in your own foot. Aside from the emotional crisis, they are a lot of practical issues, such as finances, real estate, having a place to stay in the mean time etc.

I don't think he really intended on telling me how he felt afraid as he was to lose a friend, what happened 7 months ago certainly wasn't planned. Over the past 5 years he's been "hinting" me playfully that he kind of liked me, but I never took it seriously as he never told me seriously, so I somehow never thought anything of it, which is something I tend to do when I am in a relationship and besides, he was in a relationship too, so why would he like me? So we laughed, cried, acted silly, talked about other things (including his problems) and just had fun, and I never thought anything more of it until he told me he was serious. From there on, things became rather 'intense' and I got the feeling I never felt about anyone this way and I'm sure he feels the same way. I'm not even sure if he would have the courage to go through what he is doing now if it weren't for me and that is a little scary too, on one hand it means he loves me a great deal, on the other hand I ask myself if he will regret it one day and why he didn't do so sooner. Not that he'd stay because he loved her, but he'd stick around to go out of the way of these problems and for his daughter and it would ultimately ruin his life.

[derroa]

Oh. Sorry, that must have been difficult to explain in detail, I guess I got what I asked for though!

I see why it's complicated.

Do you know the song "If you love somebody, set them free" ?

That's what came to my mind reading your story.

He is in a difficult relationship at the moment. Do you want to be a factor in a decision that is going to affect him, her and their daughter potentially for the rest of their lives? I am not being dramatic here. I am just wondering if it's going to do you good to get involved in his internal struggle with his current relationship and the decisions he is making there. We need to make this kind of decisions by ourselves and without any influence from anyone else. I am not saying that you would influence him to do something he doesn't want, but that he needs to feel convinced about his plan and act it out on his own. You don't want to be the woman who broke their relationship or the reason for whatever crazy things she might do.

My advice would be to detach yourself from the situation. Not emotionally, because clearly you have strong feelings, just physically, and give him space to sort things out. Think of it not as a breakup, but as giving him space to solve his own problems and figure out what he wants, without you influencing him. It's not that you don't care about him; in fact, it's precisely because you care about him deeply, you need to respect the importance of what he's going through right now and accept that he will be able to get involved in something new, once he sorts out the old.

Your 11 year relationship got to a place that's comfortable and nice, and sometimes we don't even notice that we grow apart until something like this happens, and makes us realise that while we care deeply for our partner, we have been emotionally available for another relationship for a while already. Your friend made you realise that your relationship was not giving you everything you want, and you're ready to move on. That in itself is an insight for you.

He will not reach an amicable settlement, because doing so would mean that she has accepted that he's moving on. And from everything you've said, she hasn't accepted it. My only advice would be to stay out of decisions and not steer him in any direction. If anything, I would only point out that giving into her threats to harm herself will only enable her to continue this behaviour, causing them both to be unhappy and potentially harmful for both of them.

[smackie9]

Snoop snap out of it! You know you need more, and the relationship doesn't fulfill all your needs. As for this guy, forget about him and his problems....he's just the trigger guy that has set things in motion. Triggering your realization that you deserve to feel alive with someone who will give you the affection you so crave. There are plenty of nice men out there looking to sweep you off your feel, make your toes curl in bed and give you security/love/affection. Why deny yourself of so much. Life is too short to make up excuses as to why you need to stay in a death state with a guy that holds you back from livin/feelin/and being free. You are a person that hasn't been born yet.....you get out there and you will never look back.

- - - Updated - - -

Don't worry we will be here to help you on your journey............

[Wakeup]

I agree and don't get on in your new life without your boyfriend by jumping into the problems and unfinished baggage of the man who is SUPPOSE to be your platonic friend either.

This guy has years and years of unfinished business to attend to not to mention a woman that knows about you and will make your life as well as her (ex?) husbands life hell one day at a time. If you have any respect for this man that is leaving his family for you, you'll leave him alone and let him make all decision without having you as a crutch. If he respected you and wasn't the type that is like a monkey and needs to be hanging onto one branch before he'll leap to the next one, then he wouldn't drag you into the mess he is leaving behind.

Give up both of them and stay single for at least a year before getting yourself involved with anyone. Let each other settle your break ups and time to get yourselves set up as independent singles before you jump from the frying pan into the fire.

Time will go quickly as you get on with your life learning how to be happy while single.