Mixed signals - enjoying it but wondering if it's worth continuing this 'relationship

[junko]

Apologies for the long post and bad spelling :S

I met this guy off Twitter back before Xmas, we were going to go snowboarding together but due to lack of snow it didn't happen. We met for a coffee in the end then went on to a bar for some drinks. I ended up staying at his (in his bed) but nothing happened. He then invited me to an Xmas party at his house the next day so I went and met some of his friends and started to like him a bit more, I had to go to work in the evening. Met up again NYEs for a drink and got on well again but I had to go to work and despite asking me to go to a party with him I just couldn't. He then went off on a travelling trip to Asia for a month, he asked me to add him on FB so I could see his pictures (I had previously done the trip he was doing) and I wished him well on trip. Never heard from him whilst he was away and got on with my life then two weeks ago he text me saying he was back and we should meet up. Was going to meet up at a bar but he ended up coming to my place to show me the pictures. We had a good evening with banter and wine and ended up hooking up.

Since then we have hooked up another 5 times. We usually go out for food or one of us cooks and then spend the night round one of our houses. When I am with him I have a really good time, good humour, he talks about his life, family, friends, issues and I do the same. I'm attracted to his accent (he's Canadian and I'm British so a novelty for me maybe lol) So everything seems to be good so what's the problem...

The problem is he is giving me mixed signals...if I text him to see how he is doing, he will text back straight away but then ask what I am up to? If I saw not much then he says we should meet up with a wink smiley - this becomes more of a booty call which I don't like. When he have had our 'date' and spent night together he sticks around in the morning for a bit and thanks me for the night but I never get any follow up text or he never asks me how my day was etc.

When we go out we go Dutch or I pay for one meal and he pays for the next. He is courteous and polite and will open the door for me and help me clean up in kitchen when I have cooked - probably down to good breeding with manners lol

What confuses me is a couple of times he has asked me if I want to accompany him to some events. He asked me to head with him to a resort for the weekend as he was working up there and had a hotel booked and paid for. He asked a few times but I said it wasn't looking good because of work but that I wanted to go. He never asked me again after this and at this moment he is up there working so I Havant heard from him. Another time he said he was looking at doing a BBQ on beach and asked if I was around, which I was. When I pressed him again before he left he said he wasn't sure as it would be effort to organize his friends. On a previous meet up, he drove me home in car and gave me his Netflix user name and password and said please don't use this password or give it out as I use it for everything. I said I wouldn't and would delete it he then said that he didn't want me to turn into some kind of jealous 'ex' - I was a bit surprised when he said this.

I am 30 and he is nearly 35 so we are not that young but I've been through FWB, casual, hook ups and booty call situations before and the one thing that annoys me is when a guy says something but never follows through and if this happens I usually think the relationship isn't serious.

I have to admit, I have been playing it cool. When I got back from a Vegas trip, I just said i was back and to let me know when he has some free time. He got back to me straight away and said he would but nothing was organized at that time. Instead 2 hours later he asked what I was doing and if I wanted to meet up.

For the moment I am happy with how this is working out but I think after a few more weeks I will be looking for something that has the potential to develop into something concrete but I don't know how to approach it. What I want is to spend time with him and enjoy his company, have sex but also enjoy going out and about - I do want to go to the beach with him. Right now I'm not expecting the whole 'where are we going?/are we serious? Etc but I don't want this to develop into just a booty call. I am also unsure if he is dating other people, he is still on Twitter and is active but then so I am. Whilst I have no issues with him dating right now, I am not happy about him sleeping with other women and that would be a reason for me to put a stop to this.

What would be the best way for me to approach this?

And last but not least if it looks like he isn't interested in developing what he have going, how do I tell him that I want to finish our 'fling'?

Any advice would be great thanks

[Wakeup]

How do you approach it? You talk to him about it. I think that if you're having sex with someone and you're doing it more then a one night stand then you should have the confidence to talk to him about what YOU want and if he doesn't want the same thing then you can very smoothly transition into telling him, "hey we don't want the same thing" and end it there and then.

As for ending it if he isn't on board: What have you done in the past to end your "flings?" Do that again if he isn't wanting to advance this from the casual sexual relationship it is now and you aren't jiggy with what I suggest above.

If he doesn't want to advance it and you end it, then in future don't start out sleeping with someone who hasn't yet committed to you or hasn't yet agreed to be sexually exclusive with you while the two of you figure out if you're compatible enough to make a long term, lasting relationship together.

[junko]

Thanks. I'll talk to him this week.

Plenty more fish in the sea if he doesn't.

- - - Updated - - -

If he doesn't want to advance it and you end it, then in future don't start out sleeping with someone who hasn't yet committed to you or hasn't yet agreed to be sexually exclusive with you while the two of you figure out if you're compatible enough to make a long term, lasting relationship together.

How do I do that when guys run a mile as soon as you mention the 'exclusively' and 'commitment' words especially that early on.

[Wakeup]

You do it by stopping the make out sessions and you tell them you're not ready for that yet. They will either not come back (which is a good thing because they only wanted a leg over anyway) or they will come back and keep pursuing you and going on activities with you and as you get to know one another on a more intimate level (by "intimate" I do not mean sex) you will discover if who you are with is there because they actually have gotten to like you vs being there because you're putting out without commitment so they needn't commit. Kissing and affectionate relating need not ALWAYS lead to having sex right away.

Don't mention "exclusivity" or "commitment" until you've been on several dates and you are feeling comfortable that he is coming around because he likes you and your company and so you're feeling safe to have sex with him because he's a good guy and even if a relationship doesn't form, you'll not feel used and rejected or like booty but rather just disappointed that you didn't have enough in common for it to last a LIFEtime.

When YOU are ACTUALLY ready to be in something that will last a LIFEtime, (I don't think you have been so far) you'll learn that it takes more then sex to keep a guy interested in you and you'll quickly chuck guys that just want booty because you'll not be "just booty" you'll know what it is you actually want and you'll feel very confident telling guys that "you want different things and there is no point continuing on seeing one another."

Personal Boundaries help with confidence. Knowing what you really want helps with getting it.

[url=http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm]Setting Healthy Boundaries: Allowing the True Self to Emerge[/url]

What is your ultimate dating goal?

[junko]

Thanks again.

I'm going to take this on board as its about I stop messing about like this when it comes to guys and relationships.

You are right, I have not been ready for a serious long term relationship due to my previous one of two years falling apart when the partner cheated on me. Trust is a massive issue for me and sometimes I just take the easy way out with these casual encounters so that the potential of getting hurt is not so great.

You asked me what my ultimate dating goal is and you know what, I really can't answer that right now. I know that I'm looking for an affectionate and compatible partner and although sex is important in that relationship, it isn't as important as it would have been to me 5-10 years ago.

I think it's one of these moments when I will know what I want when it turns up out if the blue.

[junko]

So After a few odd text messages (mainly me making first contact) but no meet ups. I text him yesterday asking if he was free (I didn't actually want to meet up as I was doing a double shift at work but just wanted to see his response. Took him an hour to reply (usually it is instant) and just said sorry he was busy today.

I know from experience that if a guy likes you and wants to see you then they will arrange a time and date when they are not busy - this did not happen so I just text back and said fine and that I didn't want continue this anymore and hope that he understood.

Instant text back saying it wasn't the case, he was just busy and did want to still see me...I didn't reply and I am not going too. Years of experience have taught me this guy is playing me along.

lets just say the next guy that comes along that I take an interest in will be waiting a long time for any 'action'

[Wakeup]

So After a few odd text messages (mainly me making first contact) but no meet ups. I text him yesterday asking if he was free (I didn't actually want to meet up as I was doing a double shift at work but just wanted to see his response. Took him an hour to reply (usually it is instant) and just said sorry he was busy today.

I know from experience that if a guy likes you and wants to see you then they will arrange a time and date when they are not busy - this did not happen so I just text back and said fine and that I didn't want continue this anymore and hope that he understood.

Instant text back saying it wasn't the case, he was just busy and did want to still see me...I didn't reply and I am not going too. Years of experience have taught me this guy is playing me along.

lets just say the next guy that comes along that I take an interest in will be waiting a long time for any 'action'

Way to go, Junko. Nice to read something from someone who is exercising their personal boundaries.