I'm new to the forum and I think this is more of venting on my part, but I do have a question at the end. So my wife and I have been married now for 15 years and we are both 45 years old. For many years we tried to have children, but unfortunately that didn't happen. It was a blow to both of us, but there wasn't much more that we could do about it. I will say that I love my wife and that she is my best friend. But at this point, that is all we really are. Just friends.
So we're both realizing that children were not in our future when my wife started to have unusual pain and bleeding. The end result was that she quickly had a hysterectomy. While doing that they found her womb, ovaries and bladder were covered in endometiosis. They removed as much as they could, but the end result is that she has residual pain and that sex is painful for her. Our last attempt at sex was painful to her and she started to cry within a few minutes and we stopped. That was over two years ago. Since that time we've talked about different things we can do, but my wife was never big on experimentation in this area and while we do talk nothing every materializes
I'm only 45 and not ready to be in a sexless relationship for life. So I thought that cheating might be the answer. I even went so far as to sign up on Ashley Madison and started talking to a few ladies who were in the same boat as me. One lady in particular has my attention. The email and conversations we had were very exciting to say the least. More exciting then I was expecting and we had a rendezvous for later this afternoon. I say had, because something unexpected happened overnight. I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep so I just watched the snow falling outside and thought about my clandestine meeting with this stranger. My wife lay sleeping next to me with her arm across my chest and I realized that I couldn't do this to her. Until that moment I didn't realize I had these morals and a line I wouldn't cross. Flirting online and actually going through with it were two entirely different things.
As I write this I'm also thinking my choices through. I do love my wife and I don't want to hurt her. Is no sex really a good reason to get divorced? I don't want to get a divorce. But without cheating or a divorce I just end up being in a very frustrating sexless marriage. This leaves me with a bunch of internal questions. Will my "morals" still be the same in another two years? Is it fair to her to be thinking about being with other women like this? How will she ever find another guy if she can't have sex? And on and on and on.....
I'm frustrated, confused and ultimately at a loss. As to my question, is there anyone else going through this and if so, what choices have you made?