Crush on "dangerous" woman - bi?

[Nilah]

Hi everyone..!

Okay, I guess I'll just get right into it... (Just so you know though: I'm Swedish, so please excuse my maybe lacking English..!)
So, there's this girl whom I've slowly gotten to know this past half year, whom I seem to have been developing feelings very alike those of a crush for. But the thing is, that I'm female myself, and have never thought anywhere close to that way about another girl before, and am for sure very attracted to men. (and I'm 20 btw, turning 21 in November this year, and she is like a half year older than me). And to be honest, I'm in many ways very conservative, and have what many might even call "strict and old" views on my own relationships. I'm openminded tho when it comes to other people's ways of lives, but I just don't work that way at all. Or at least I don't in every case but this one....?

And then there's this other thing as well - that she isn't just any girl, but someone very, very different from me, and with a very strong personality and way of behaving. Although she's actually a very happy person when you get to know her, she usually almost scares people away with just her... aura, and style or something.

I don't know how to explain her style, other than with "rough and unique" - she wears lots of accessories, mostly with studs, has one piercing in her tongue and some extra in her ears, is tattooed and wears tight jeans that's more ripped than not, and she has shaved a bit of her hair on the right side of her head, and her hair is often dyed, either a crazy color, or just dark. (Although I wanna point out that even though it might sound like that, she doesn't have an "emo"-ish style or whatever you call it, more like very unique, and at times colorful and crazy, and always really showy.) And she doesn't wear any make-up at all though, and often wears these cute, characteristic Harry Potter-like fake-glasses with extremely thin, silver frames..! ❤

And personality-wise, she's a very special, and intriguing individual. But who lives life laughing a lot, but then also cursing everyone and everything just as much as laughing, but with a constant, nonchalant smile on her face. She is a very confident person, and someone who's terribly honest, and straightforward. And seems to be afraid of nothing, but also with a healthy amount of self-consciousness, and modesty.

And this all is in a huge contrast to me, who have never in my life dyed my hair, and have long, thin, blonde hair, blue eyes, has a very pretty, girly style and so mostly wears either blue-ish colors, with white jeans, or white/light-colored tops/dresses etc.

And people have for a long time told me that I kind of have a "baby-face", and that I look like the stereotypical "good girl", who is extremely innocent and wouldn't hurt a fly. Which is kind of true also. I love doing charity work and helping people out, I absolutely can't use violence against anything, almost never gets angry, just very emotional... and I also happen to be very inexperienced... Since I take relationships very seriously and has because of that reason only dated two guys so far, in which it was me who broke off in both cases, and the first time after only about two weeks, and the second time after about two months. And the later relationship didn't ever get past the level of kissing and a few light touches basically.. since we wanted to take things slowly, and it was actually him who prompted for that the most...! But it didn't work out in the end, and then since that (that was about one and a half years ago) I've been painfully single, and I say painfully because I'm really an hopeless romantic.

And I've actually never cursed a single time in my whole life, loves school and has always gotten pretty much straight A's. And graduated with awards such as "the joy spreader of the year" for example. Yeah, I think you get it, I've always been that good, moderately popular, cute girl who people kind of instinctively wants to protect, and who adults love. While she on the other hand has went through her young years while being the rebel and trouble-maker, with not much interest for school, although she actually is very intelligent and so still has managed to get pretty good grades, but with most people not daring to come especially near her though.

And when we first met, I remember being immediately almost intimidated by her, but also very intrigued, a little comfortless, and with the mindset that I probably would do best to not get close to her, not because I was afraid of her hurting me, but rather that I had just no idea of how to handle her, and I'm kind of a lot of a control-freak, plus afraid of conflicts, a perfectionist and someone who has always done my best to avoid situations or individuals that I don't understand.

And I don't even know what her sexuality is, but I do know that she has mentioned some ex-boyfriend, so she's bi at best. But I might be imagining things, but I really think that it seems as if she a special eye for me lately. She has started giving me subtle touches, looks at me in a very special way - one that I best can describe as a slightly.. "predator"-ish look... by using certain movements, a lot of "smirk"-ish smiles, and if I didn't know better.. (?) I would say that she looks at me as if she is like... tasting me with her eyes. (omgosh I feel so weird and embarrassed for saying that) And I've seen her a lot with other friends of hers, who often are a lot like her, but she's definitely acting way different with them than she is with me.

I've always, since the first time I saw her, been extremely aware of her presence - nervous, uneasy - but then also had this extreme and weird longing for her to like me, to approve of me. From the very first day I seem to have been really looking up to her, admiring her, and even really want to be a part of her life in some way - with a huge, deep wish to please her, I just want her to like me. -I didn't those things in any possibly romantic ways in the beginning though, but as time went on, and I realized that she might be bi and might even be attracted to me in that way, I surprised myself with not feeling bothered by it at all - despite my otherwise so conservative views, and that I've never before being able to even be close to think about another woman like that.

And then we've met a bit more often this last half month or so, and just a couple days ago something happened that really made me think. Me, her and a handful of other girls were hanging out, and I tried to keep a safe distance to her, while at the same time deeply wanted to get closer to her. And then just after I had spoken and with my usual amount of giggles and gestures (I'm a very "giggly" girl, who kind of talks too much and am a bit too excited about whatever I'm speaking about.. ^//^), and then she looked at me with her usual way of lingering with her eyes at me, when most people definitely would have stopped looking at me since I had stopped talking. And then she suddenly let out a little laugh, and commented something like "Aah, you giggle so f*****g much [my name], like after every sentence. It's so d**n cute"

I then felt my cheeks heat up, and I felt very, very flustered and overwhelmed by her sudden comment, and then even more flustered by the fact that I was reacting so much to it... And before I knew it I had turned COMPLETELY red, I was seriously blushing like crazy - so much that I literally had to hide my face in my hands and couldn't say much else than let out a few weak and flustered, happy-but-so-embarrassed sounds.. Like, I know that I giggle a lot, and a lot of people have even called me cute because of it before, but I really was totally unprepared for my own reaction to it this time. I can't remember the last time I blushed like that, and after this I can't really stop thinking about her and this whole thing happening.

Sooo basically, the problem is that it has been unthinkable for me before to like a female, but for some reason she has been a complete exception to the rule, but I don't know what to think of my own feelings, and I'm bluntly scared of this whole situation, since it's so different and unpredictable to me... and maybe that's why I'm kind of attracted to her as well. I hate being with her since I can never know what she's thinking about, but I also love being with her for the same reason. So I might actually be attracted her for the reason that I am.. Idk, bored? And kind of maybe wants someone to come and "shake up my world" or something... But I'm scared and do think that it might be a very bad idea to engage myself any further with her, since she is a for me complicated person and frankly probably means pure trouble. And I'm a very emotional, sensitive person.. and completely inexperienced, and... yeah, you get it.

And furthermore, I've also kind of caught on that she has some almost sadistic traits...? And likes being in... ehm, control.. gosh this is so... >//< Not that I necessarily dislike that tho.. Anyways, I COULD ignore this little thing we maybe, maybe not have going on, and move on with my life being completely fine. And eventually fall deeply for some man, because I know for sure that I'm capable of that, and just live my comfortable, happy life. But I also can't NOT be deeply affected by her whenever she's around, and I really have come to like her as a person, even though I'm still nervous to the point of almost being uncomfortable around her.

And to be honest, I guess I'm just afraid that if I don't creates some distance between us, she might completely break me.
...And to be even more honest... I'm afraid that I might actually want her to f*cking thoroughly break me. (Yes, that's right. I just almost-cursed in text for pretty much the first time ever. Yeap. Gosh. ...F*ck. .......omgosh what, what's even happening, help me..~~ x') @___@)