i am going to ask him out

[Laurie]

Well I don't know what to make of this... He was fine yesterday when I suggested we went for a coffee and we went to a lovely little place at lunch. But prior to that at uni he picked up one of my pieces of work and his hands shook so much so I held his hands and I gently said your shaking. He said he didn't know why maybe he's tired. Anyway we went for coffee and picking up the sugar sachets he was shaking again, I could tell he was embarrassed so not making a big deal of it by gently I held his hands and I thought about and asked whether he drinks alot normally in the evening, he looked so wounded but he did say sometimes he drinks a lot in the evening when he's got nothing to do but not all the time. Not wanting to sound like his mother and preach I smiled and just said it maybe why you have shakey hands and I said we can do more stuff together in the evening if he likes (although I have to make sure someone can watch over my daughter first) and he said he would like that - he stroked my hands and said how soft they are given the type of art I do. We talked about other stuff but then suddenly he said that he felt our relationship was moving too quickly into a relationship and that we were supposed to be holding back until June. I laughed thinking he was joking then realised he meant it and I felt stupid for laughing like I did and said I didn't think that all we've done is hold hands and he said yeah... We walked back to the uni in silence almost. I was a bit stunned at his remark... Do you think I overstepped the mark somewhere? We've not even kissed yet when we've been alone.

[pcmaster]

Nice story. Gratz on asking a guy out. Think its mind blowing for a guy to be asked out - we are not used to this kind of attention from girls because its we guys who usually ask girls out.

[Wakeup]

Well I don't know what to make of this... He was fine yesterday when I suggested we went for a coffee and we went to a lovely little place at lunch. But prior to that at uni he picked up one of my pieces of work and his hands shook so much so I held his hands and I gently said your shaking. He said he didn't know why maybe he's tired. Anyway we went for coffee and picking up the sugar sachets he was shaking again, I could tell he was embarrassed so not making a big deal of it by gently I held his hands and I thought about and asked whether he drinks alot normally in the evening, he looked so wounded but he did say sometimes he drinks a lot in the evening when he's got nothing to do but not all the time. Not wanting to sound like his mother and preach I smiled and just said it maybe why you have shakey hands and I said we can do more stuff together in the evening if he likes (although I have to make sure someone can watch over my daughter first) and he said he would like that - he stroked my hands and said how soft they are given the type of art I do. We talked about other stuff but then suddenly he said that he felt our relationship was moving too quickly into a relationship and that we were supposed to be holding back until June. I laughed thinking he was joking then realised he meant it and I felt stupid for laughing like I did and said I didn't think that all we've done is hold hands and he said yeah... We walked back to the uni in silence almost. I was a bit stunned at his remark... Do you think I overstepped the mark somewhere? We've not even kissed yet when we've been alone.

Why don't you just not be together as much until June? Maybe he's shaking because he's afraid the two of you will be spotted together and some sort of conflict of interest drama will ensue. He's told you that he thinks you're moving things along too quickly (that does not mean just in a sexual sense so the fact that you've only just held hands is neither here nor there, really).

I'm not seeing why you think his shaking hands is a symptom of alcoholism though. Drinking too much is a symptom of alcoholism. Drinking alone every night and having more then one while alone can be a sign of a drinking problem as well. Not being able to go a day without booze in him is also an indicator. Maybe his shaking hands are a symptom of a physiological disorder (like onset of Parkinson's Disease or such) What's known for sure is exactly what he told you which is ... he feels things are moving along into a relationship mode too quickly.

[Laurie]

I thought it because I worked in healthcare previously and that's allni saw with the patients I cared.for and I needed to ask and because of my past relationship. As regards the.moving too quickly I didn't think we were like I say we haven't kissed or anything. I care about him more than I thought i would a couple of weeks ago. I respect his wishes as I hope he will mine too in the future. But he held my hand on the first 'date' we had so I followed that each time we've been alone... In a group I didn't...

But maybe holding his hands in uni when he looked at my work was a step too far we were alone. I wont do it again not because I am feeling hard done by but because you're right perhaps I shouldn't touch him I cant believe I am feeling like this.

Thanks x

[Laurie]

I don't know if I have done the right thing or not but I sent him a quick text, this is what i said 'hi just want to let you know that i understand... I hadn't realised I was rushing us. We're all going out again on Friday if you fancy it but maybe we should see each other less until the time is right. X' he's not replied yet. Do you think that was the right thing to do ... Perhaps I should have left it I just don't want him to think I'm annoyed or upset with him or anything. I'm not going to plague him with endless texts don't worry that's all I'm sending him.
:/

[Laurie]

Today has been awful. I made a huge mistake I thought he liked me too he said he did. But today he came to find me and said he needed to speak to me. So at lunch we went and sat in his car basically so he could make me feel like a ****ing fool. I cant even remember his words properly but he said he was sorry he said he felt a connection but actually I was just his fascination... What the **** does that mean... He couldn't even explain himself just a brief fascination. What a cruel thing to do. I wore my heart on my sleeve and he played some stupid game. I feel so stupid my emotions have been everywhere. I feel like such an idiot. He said my text was sweet but I was just a brief fascination... Fascination?! Wtf does that mean anyone know... I feel so sad I allowed myself to believe someone wanted me ... I k n ow this is the wrong forum for this but

[pcmaster]

Relax he dont want you, you just escaped so much trouble. Amazing that you held his shaking hands, think most girls would be grossed out by hands that shakes.

Think fascination means that hes been infatuated with you that feeling gone away. And this is not wrong forum. You didnt kissed but maybe you held hangs and maybe flirted. At least good that nothing much happened because cause now its less painful and easier to move on.

Think you are sweet person by the posts you made and you totally deserve someone nice so dont give up and you gona find him.The best is yet to come ^_- !

[Laurie]

Relax he dont want you, you just escaped so much trouble. Amazing that you held his shaking hands, think most girls would be grossed out by hands that shakes.

Think fascination means that hes been infatuated with you that feeling gone away. And this is not wrong forum. You didnt kissed but maybe you held hangs and maybe flirted. At least good that nothing much happened because cause now its less painful and easier to move on.

Think you are sweet person by the posts you made and you totally deserve someone nice so dont give up and you gona find him.The best is yet to come ^_- !

Thanks. I feel so hurt. I tried hard not to show my hurt. But I am sure it was obvious I don't hide emotions very well. I am so confused though. I know I'm lucky we didn't kiss or anything more than hold hands. I felt so much excitement and hope but now I feel numb ...

I hope you are right and that I will find someone. Past relationships (total2) have not been good, I hoped this man would change this.

Thank you.

[basilandthyme]

Sweetie, take a deep breath and look at this objectively. Yes, it takes a lot of courage to ask someone out - but much of the time it doesn't work out and we need to be prepared for this. This is why finally finding The One is so special.

You were with him for only a date or two. It's so important to NOT get emotionally invested this early on because this is just the 'getting to know you' stage. To be honest, he did nothing which should cause you hurt. Disappointment, certainly but he wasn't hurtful. He simply saw you a time or two and then was honest with you about why he felt that seeing you further wouldn't work out.

This post, combined with him mentioning you were rushing him makes me wonder if you were too intense for him. If perhaps you were expecting a lot to come of this while barely knowing the man. While PC thinks it was sweet of you to hold his shaking hands, I'd have to say that if someone I had only dated once or twice held my shaking hands and spoke quietly and gently to me about my drinking, I'd run a mile! It's WAAAAY to intense.

I don't want to make you feel worse than you do, but please try to look at this with some clarity. All he did was accept an invitation out with you and then shortly after said it wasn't working for him. He didn't make false promises and he didn't string you along. He didn't take advantage of you.

[Laurie]

Sweetie, take a deep breath and look at this objectively. Yes, it takes a lot of courage to ask someone out - but much of the time it doesn't work out and we need to be prepared for this. This is why finally finding The One is so special.

You were with him for only a date or two. It's so important to NOT get emotionally invested this early on because this is just the 'getting to know you' stage. To be honest, he did nothing which should cause you hurt. Disappointment, certainly but he wasn't hurtful. He simply saw you a time or two and then was honest with you about why he felt that seeing you further wouldn't work out.

This post, combined with him mentioning you were rushing him makes me wonder if you were too intense for him. If perhaps you were expecting a lot to come of this while barely knowing the man. While PC thinks it was sweet of you to hold his shaking hands, I'd have to say that if someone I had only dated once or twice held my shaking hands and spoke quietly and gently to me about my drinking, I'd run a mile! It's WAAAAY to intense.

I don't want to make you feel worse than you do, but please try to look at this with some clarity. All he did was accept an invitation out with you and then shortly after said it wasn't working for him. He didn't make false promises and he didn't string you along. He didn't take advantage of you.

Hi thanks. I know. I think it was his choice of words that I found hurtful. Maybe I am too intense but why not say that to me than I was just a fascination. I didn't expect him to say that, I didn't know what to expect given the day before. Why didn't he just say to me its not working out or he doesn't feel comfortable or its too intense we have to stop - instead of you were just a fascination. Although we didn't do anything it made me feel strange, like id been dirty (which I hadn't been, yes we flirted but not in a suggestive way)- I didn't know what he meant and its all he kept saying . Maybe its me that's hurt me if you follow. I think I just feel stupid I believed I was going to be happy. I loved his company. I shouldn't have said anything about his hands and that's hurting me a lot... Why did I say that!? I made stupid mistakes thatbi cant take back.

I think I am wallowing in self pity here ... I'll be ok in the morning.

Thanks for your opinion /advice.

[basilandthyme]

Ah (((hugs))) to you. Wallow away but just make sure you come up out the other side.

About what he said....yes, it was an unusual choice of words - but hey, it's not like all of us are capable of using exactly the right words every time we speak. He was probably doing the best he could. And for what it's worth, it probably wasn't just your enthusiasm or intensity which ended it. It could have been any number of things combined - some of them completely unrelated to you. But truth be told, very few people will read out a laundry list of the things which are not quite right when breaking up. They will cite one or two things (or even say "it's not you, it's me) and then move on.

I totally understand how you feel that it's you who hurt you. You let yourself get so invested too early and now that it didn't work you've come crashing down to earth. So when you pick yourself up, take the lesson with you: start slow, reserve your feelings until you know that a relationship has legs.

Good luck

[Wakeup]

Next time maybe you should actually do the opposite of what you are obsessed with doing (like asking him out after several people told you to at least wait until after the school year ended).

Now you have to face him.

You asked him out, good for you for being confident in doing that but now you just have to learn to not have EXPECTATIONS that an acceptance of your invitation means more then acceptance of your invitation.

You'll get over your disappointment soon enough if you just accept that all this is, is a lost opportunity... HIS lost opportunity, certainly not yours.

[Laurie]

Next time maybe you should actually do the opposite of what you are obsessed with doing (like asking him out after several people told you to at least wait until after the school year ended).

Now you have to face him.

You asked him out, good for you for being confident in doing that but now you just have to learn to not have EXPECTATIONS that an acceptance of your invitation means more then acceptance of your invitation.

You'll get over your disappointment soon enough if you just accept that all this is, is a lost opportunity... HIS lost opportunity, certainly not yours.

Thanks Wakeup. I got over it... I faced him today without guilt, shame or embarrassment. You're right he lost his opportunity with me. He was assisting in class today, he helped me out with stuff, gave his advice, tried to engage in conversation asking if I was ok... I was polite, I am fine. I am not the obsessive type as you suggest. I got a bit over excited. He sparked something inside me. But I was upset with his choice of words, I didn't understand what he meant. But I suppose he didn't want to hurt me, he just didn't know how to tell me he doesn't really want me, he just chose the wrong words. You se I can rationalise this. I can move on. I've learnt. I have my studies to concentrate on and he doesn't know what he's lost.

[Laurie]

I'm so confused about what is going on or whether he is just playing a game. He's spent the last few days asking me if everything is ok with me and I've been polite and calm and have actually felt ok. Then after class Monday evening he came into the workshop and put his hand on my waist and asked again if I was ok. I removed myself from.his hand by carrying on with my work and gave him nothing although I have to admit I felt a wave of excitement but i don't think showed it. Yesterday after uni I was working late and there were others on the room also working on their designs when he did the same again and I didn't mean to but I think I allowed his hand to linger longer than I should have allowed. I am sure others have noticed but noones said anything yet. I've stayed away today. But is he playing a game with me or what... I don't know how I should be feeling. This is different to how it was before. We didn't do anything like this on uni grounds we only held hands and went for a drink before. Why is he doing this?

[pcmaster]

Seems like guy is a little messed up. Then he dont wants you now he acts like he cares about you. You should just ask him what does he wants from you.