Am I being too sensitive?

[Secret1993]

I've been with my partner for 3 years now and I'm really happy with him. However, when I have a problem I tend to bottle it up rather than talk to him about it as I think I'm usually just being over sensitive about it.

The last few days I've felt pretty insecure (I get some low days sometimes and the last few days have been them), We'll usually spend weekend nights together after doing our own thing in the day. He went out with some friends Saturday night, which I'm obviously fine with, I like having a night to myself every now and then and I wouldn't expect him to mind when I go out with my friends. The next morning he was obviously a little hung over and tired but I text him to see how he was, he's not much of a texter with me (despite being glued to his phone) and wasn't really very talkative, I gave up trying to make conversation after an hour. I thought nothing of that as like I say, he's not much of a texter with me.
He was the same yesterday, I don't bother him when he's at work but I text him yesterday morning saying 'hello, want me to come to you tonight?' to sort out our sleeping arrangements. We sleep at each others houses usually nightly and take turns. I got a pretty quick reply just saying 'yes please'. I couldn't get there until about 8 o'clock. We had a nice quiet night, got along really well together as we do and just lounged in front of the TV with the occasional laugh, joke and banter, which is what I love.

Today it's his turn to come here but he's text me saying that he's going to stay at his tonight as he wants to go on his treadmill and do his weights (he's got his own little gym in his spare room and is pretty strict on himself with workouts). This has really annoyed me as I feel that I haven't seen him all weekend, I'm working a night shift tomorrow and I'm out with my friend on Thursday, so I won't really see him until Friday. I'm just going to go over to his as it's not really much bother but as I'm feeling so low it makes me feel like I'm a convenience girlfriend for when he's got nothing more interested to do.

Am I being as stupid as I think I am or is he being a little dismissive?

[TheEvilJester]

Let me start off by saying this.... you're not being stupid. You can't help how you feel. As somebody who has suffered through a lifetime of a non-existent or low at best self-esteem, and a lot of insecurities, I understand how it can be to over-analyze even the silliest most trivial of things and think something is wrong when there is no reason to concern yourself.

That said, unless this is an ongoing pattern, I would say you shouldn't think much of it. Unless I misunderstood, it sounds like you two get to spend time together quite often. If it happens to turn out you get a busy week and don't see each other much, that is no big deal. It happens from time to time. If he is starting to have a pattern for showing little to no interest in getting together with you, then I would start to be concerned. It doesn't sound like that is the case, though, but you'd have to clarify if it is.

Another question,

So you say you usually trade off between him sleeping at your place and you at his. You were expecting to stay at yours that night, but you say he changed plans so he could get in his work out. Was the implication that you should just stay at your place and you two should just have a night separately, or was the implication that he wanted you both to stay at his place instead that night so he could get in his workout, but also still see you? If it was the latter, then I'd definitely advise you not to worry about it. If the implication was that he wanted to have the night to himself, even that shouldn't necessarily be too concerning unless it becomes a habit where you two rarely get any time together and he doesn't seem at all bothered by that.

Trust me, I know how much it sucks to have insecurities and not be able to shut them up even when you rationally KNOW they are silly. It's a life-long struggle, but you just have to learn when to just tell yourself "Self, you are just being silly" and when to actually have legit concern. Good luck to you. :-)

[Wakeup]

Have this conversation with him that you're having with us and tell him how you're feeling and if he doesn't step up his ability to nurture this relationship then perhaps you'd be better off just letting him go and not wasting any further time with someone that, by his actions, views you as an option.

First you have to give him a chance to remedy and if he's not aware that how he is negatively behaving towards you and the relationship in general then he can't begin to fix anything. If you've never complained, or talked to him about how you're feeling, how would he know that you're being made to feel disappointed or as you say "a convenience?"

[Kevo]

Agree with Wakeup...this is a conversation you should be having with him. Feelings of insecurity are normal in relationships, but a lot of the time if you don't confront some of these things directly they'll only get worse. But he needs to be aware of how you are feeling if you want to make progress.

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely agree with what you both had to say. However, as somebody who has dealt with his own insecurities throughout my whole life, I also want to caution what you really want to do is to learn to better balance and understand your insecurities. Unless there is more to the story she hasn't shared with us, it sounds to me like this may well have just been one isolated incident. She said they trade off sleeping at each other's places together. That, to me, sounds like they do tend to get a lot of time together.

If this was literally just one isolated incident, then talking to him about it might actually not be the best idea. That, to me, would be the example of a time where you are allowing your insecurities get the best of you, and it would really be better just to learn to get better balance of that. Trust me, I of all people know how hard that is to do. Still, you have to learn to do it because you have to sort of "pick your battles" so to speak. People are going to get exhausted with you if they have to worry they have to always walk on eggshells for fear of doing something to upset you.

If there is more to the story, and he has started to make it a habit of (intentionally or unintentionally) making you feel like an option instead of a priority, then I fully agree with Wakeup and Kevo. He may just not realize he is doing it/may not intend to do that. He won't know unless you share with him how you feel. Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

Lots of "ifs" in that post, Jester.

Take it from someone who has been in a the same relationship for three decades. If you DON'T feel valued then there is something wrong and it's time to have a talk.

[TheEvilJester]

I can agree with that. Still, sometimes you do have to recognize whether you are not feeling valued because of somebody's actual actions, or is it because of your own unnecessary and/or possibly overblown and unreasonable insecurities? Trust me, I know what it can be like to have overblown insecurities, and have also succumbed to them in the past. I've learned to better balance that, but it is never easy if you are the type of person who battles with self-esteem issues.

Without further details, the OP could be doing just that, or she could have legitimate reasons for concern. We can't tell her that. Only she can really answer that question.

[Wakeup]

I don't think it really matters whether she is being undervalued or she is being too sensitive or it turns out that she is being over-insecure... she still needs to talk to him so that either he can change his behaviour or she can change hers.

C.o.m.u.n.i.c.a.t.i.o.n. The corner stone of every good relationship.