What should I do ?

[stephen102]

So it's a long story but this is a forum and I'll probably shorten it a lot anyway.

I'm currently volunteering at a charity shop and I've developed ridiculously strong feelings for a woman who works there, she's 32 and I'm only 21. She has 2 kids and is technically in a relationship although I know for a fact she's not in love nor does she actually like him very much, "Can't stand the sight of him" is one quote just so I don't need to answer how I know. My only guess is that she's with him because it's convenient, she uses his car, has children and lives with him and is afraid of complicating her already very busy life. She is still having sex with him I guess, I was in her handbag and seen a pack of condoms (she asked me to get her keys I wasn't snooping :p). I've known her for about 6 months and she was really flirty with me, referred to me as sexy, give me nicknames like muscles, joked about modeling kinky outfits that were in the shop and shit like that, she wasn't afraid to make contact with me at all and so I really started to think she might have liked me the way I hope she does. Then I started to think maybe she's just generally flirty and it seems like she is but not in the same way she is with me, so I started to text her a bit she would always reply, it was mostly general conversation about work, giving lifts, and outside of that not much else. So I just tried to ignore how I felt and move on keep and working their but it became unbearable, I was thinking about her 24/7 and that's pretty close to literal, 10 minutes without thinking about her and I was in disbelief. So I was noticeably down about something around work and it came up when we were texting so I told her I had just had something on my mind. She caught on pretty fast that it was girl issues and asked if it was, I told her it was and told her about the situation without letting her know it was her I was thinking about. She gave me some advice about not giving up and that I should tell the person because if I didn't I would regret it more than I would hurt if I was rejected. So I tried a few times around work to tell her in private but I couldn't say it my heart was in my mouth and I bottled it for about a week. I was getting worse, a bit of perspective I'm a really bubbly guy, I'm funny I love to chat and I don't have problems talking to woman usually but she makes me feel like I'm 100ft tall or I'm nothing at all, anyway I had to tell her somehow so I let it out via text, I know it was probably a poor decision but I didn't have much of a choice. Her reaction was apparently shock, but I can't tell how honest it was it's just words on a screen, she said she didn't even realize I had an interest in her so I confirmed it just to ensure she didn't think I was joking. She asked me why I liked her so much so I explained in pretty great detail why I liked her and that I know it's odd because I think it is myself I've never felt like this about anyone. She said that she felt special and what I said was meaningful to her but that she comes with a lot of baggage, children, work, rent, always busy and that I should find someone that isn't basically. I told her I didn't want anyone else but if she wasn't interested then she should tell me and I could just move on, which I really meant. She never said what I wanted to hear it was cryptic just that I shouldn't be embarrassed, if I didn't want to come to work she'd understand but she could use my help around the shop still so I decided that it was basically a stay away warning and I'd just attempt to move on. Still going to work and it was a little awkward at first but things are back to normal and now I can't handle it again, before I met her I didn't think love was actually real just something people made up to explain a surge of strong feelings about someone. I honestly care about how she is, how she feels, if she's doing well at home, how her kids are if she's being treated right and all this mushy crap that I haven't about other girls even ones I actually had a relationship with. I told her I was gonna sort my life out so that if she ever decided to give us a try I'd be someone she could depend on and I still didn't get a definitive answer.

What should I do, is it worth chasing after her ? Is she just ****ing with my head and enjoys the attention, is she just using me because I do a lot of heavy lifting and work around the shop ? I honestly can't tell if she cares at all she's a complete mystery to me, part of me wants to believe I could have a chance but how long would I have to wait for that chance if ever ? I know there is no definitive answer because everyone is different and unless you are her and you're reading this you can't really know what she feels or thinks but I'd like some thoughts from anyone who can relate or thinks they can help.

Any advice is appreciated and I'll answer any questions I haven't covered already ASAP.

Stephen :'(

[Wakeup]

Reality Check: She's got a boyfriend who she obviously isn't going to leave for a young man who couldn't help support her and her children.

With that being said I ask you: You believe you could have a chance with her? Have a chance at what, a jump in the back room with her? What exactly is your goal with regards to this woman?

[basilandthyme]

I'm with Wakeup. I reckon she's having fun flirting with you and would probably have sex with you if you were up for it. But she's not going to leave her partner for you.

[stephen102]

Yeah I've thought about that but I don't see why she wouldn't leave him, it's painfully obvious that she doesn't love him or in fact even like him yet she's still there, afraid to leave I guess.

Anyway I don't just want a shag no, I really care about her. My goal ? Well honestly I'd like a relationship outside of work, a chance to get to know her properly and for her to get to know me, I know it sounds ridiculous believe me I'm not an idiot but I've had 4 girlfriends, serious relationships that is, since I was 16 and I've never actually felt what I feel for her for a single one of them, it's just different.

Do you think I'm just being naive and childish ? I'm seriously asking btw because I feel like I am.

[basilandthyme]

Childish, no. Naive, yes.

Given the age difference between you, she's not going to start a relationship with you. You may not want just a shag, but I think that it's exactly what she wants from you.

She may leave her husband eventually, but because of this same age difference, it's highly unlikely to be for a man who has this gap in age and life experience. She's more likely to bail out for a guy who's late 30's and who's got his life together.

[Wakeup]

Anyway I don't just want a shag no, I really care about her. My goal ? Well honestly I'd like a relationship outside of work, a chance to get to know her properly and for her to get to know me,

You don't do that with someone who is married. That's disrespectful to YOURSELF never mind her partner. She's a flirt and she likely enjoys the attention and if you had a good sense of yourself and your own boundaries you wouldn't go anywhere near her when you are crushing on her like you are.

If you were the type to just hit it and quit it and not get emotionally involved that would be one thing but you should NEVER "get to know someone outside of work when they are married (or otherwise committed) and you have feeeeeeeelings (lust/infatuation) for them. That's just asking for unnecessary emotional drama and bullshit.

I know it sounds ridiculous believe me I'm not an idiot but I've had 4 girlfriends, serious relationships that is, since I was 16 and I've never actually felt what I feel for her for a single one of them, it's just different.

Yea it's called lust, infatuation and "limerence" Google "limerence" and read the Wiki link to it. It explains what you're going through.
You're getting to the point of obsession when you're suffering from limerence.

Do you think I'm just being naive and childish ? I'm seriously asking btw because I feel like I am.

You're mistreating yourself by keeping this going in your head. She's not interested... she made that clear when she told you that she would understand if you didn't want to help in the shop anymore due to your crush.

I suggest you stop volunteering there and work to get her out of your system.

Don't forget to read up on limerence. Here's the link.

[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence]Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]