what to do???

[welshy86]

Hi guys, could do with some advice.

There's a girl I work with who's 3 years older than me(she's32 I'm 29). We've worked together for the last year and a half and are quite good friends. I've fancied her since the day I started working with her, and after getting to know her I realised that she's the kind of girl who I can honestly say is worth my every effort. The problem is that her last partner was a work colleague who cheated on her shortly after they got a house together (and thankfully he no longer works with us). Obvisouly she now doesn't want to be in a relationship with a work colleague, and has told me this, but I've made it quite clear that I'm interested in her and she hasn't outright shot me down, and even flirts with me. Hell, she quite often just walks up and rests her head on my shoulder! Our conversations have often ranged from our plans for time off, planning random days out together etc to somewhat quite intimately perverse conversations (we're chefs - most chef conversations are perverse lol) but she often says about not dating a colleague again.

So, how do I prove to her that I'm serious about a relationship and that I wouldn't be as dull as to do something stupid like cheat on her? Even one of our close friends (another colleague) has pointed out to her that not all guys are the same after she hinted to him that she's interested in me but doesn't want to do the work thing again. I swear it's mind boggling!

Anyway cheers for any advice guys

[basilandthyme]

Sorry mate, but it's not mind boggling. When breakups happen (and they do happen more often than not) it's just so much more awkward if you work together. There's no escaping each other!

You don't have to cheat on her to have a relationship end. It can simply end because you're not compatible.

The thing I'm seeing most strongly here is that you're so keen to reach your own goal of dating her that you're not respecting her boundaries. Whether you agree with her boundaries or not, trying to persuade her to break them is not cool.

Please - just respect her needs and walk away.

[smackie9]

Don't let her use you as her emotional tampon. If she isn't shelling out don't let her flirt with you or put her head on your shoulder. She's just using you for the attention. You are totally friends zoned bub, and it's not going to change unless you put it to her straight. So next time she flirts for your attention or leans on you, you ask her out again. If she says no, then you tell her to stop teasing you and giving you signals that she is interested.


This won't turn her off, this will stir something in her. The more you make yourself less available to her the more desirable you become. So cut her off and make sure she knows it. You will look like a man and not a doormat wuss pot.

[derroa]

How recent is her breakup? If she is still working through the process and she's single, then it's normal for her to long companionship and people who appreciate her, as her confidence has most likely had to suffer (particularly because she was cheated on!)

I wouldn't say she is using you as such, but that she finds comfort in your availability for her and will take your affection as long as you're offering it to her. It helps her validate her self esteem. Needless to say that if you want different things, this is not the most healthy interaction. I'd have a chat with her to reiterate that you are attracted to her and you'd like to go out and get to know each other better. If she is not interested to pursue something right now, then you need to assert your boundaries and say that her displays of affection and attention actually make you feel worse and you'd rather keep it professional as you want to respect her wishes, but that some of her behaviour makes you feel confused so you need to agree together what's ok and what isn't.

[welshy86]

Hi guys, thanks for your responses.

Her break up was a little over 5 years ago (and she's been single and celebrate since) and my breakup, of the exact same reason was 2 years ago.

[smackie9]

Hi guys, could do with some advice.

The problem is that her last partner was a work colleague who cheated on her shortly after they got a house together (and thankfully he no longer works with us).

No that's why you have determined.

doesn't want to be in a relationship with a work colleague, and has told me this,

And yes she outright turned you down. She's using " doesn't want to be in a relationship with a work colleague" as an excuse. If she was really into you she wouldn't be saying things like that to you.