How do men do it?

[acuriousman]

I see so many women that I want to approach but I can't bring myself to do it. I want so badly to be able to be bold and brave but I'm ugly as hell and I know they won't accept me.

I'm terrified.

But I see so many guys do it.

How do you know she won't reject you and break you down right there?

How do you know she'll accept you?

And most importantly, how do you know if you're even good enough to be talking to her in the first place?

Please help.

[FruitBandit]

I think your mindset is wrong. Looks definitely help, but they are not the be all and end all, especially if you're a guy. Make sure you dress well, smell good and fake the confidence if you need to.

There's no such thing as 'being good enough' to talk to her, you talk to her because you want to. You don't know if she will reject you, some will, some won't. The worst case scenario usually is she just isn't very interested in talking, it should be quite obvious when she isn't so move on to the next one.

If you're in a party/bar situation, I found I had a better night if I gave myself small realistic goals. Rather than trying to get laid, I would make it my goal to approach a girl, any girl, and strike up a conversation. Next time my goal would be to get a number, just do little steps at a time.

I read somewhere that being brave is doing something even though you're scared anyway. Yes it can be quite scary, but just remember that girls are humans too, there are things that scare them too.

When the situation arises, I want you to go up to the girl and ask her something that pretends you want the answer to something, when really you're just using it as a conversation opener. For example, you see she is drinking a certain drink. "Hey excuse me, what do you think of that Desperado? I was thinking of getting one but wasn't sure."

Open ended question = open ended response.

"I'm acuriousman by the way, nice to meet you"

Then you can start trying to build rapport, ask questions about her and get her talking about herself, everyone likes talking about themselves. If her body is facing you, she's making eye contact and seems to be enjoying the conversation, she's at least keen to keep talking. When it comes to anything, the least you can do is ask, and the worst they can do is say no, at least you know! If the conversation is going well, ask her if she wants to dance. If she doesn't so be it, congratulations, you have had a conversation with a girl!

In my experience I've found I feel much, much better if I try and fail, the regret of not even trying is a lot worse. Trust me when I say this, if a girl perceives you as confident, whether you actually are or not, it is very powerful in terms of attraction.

[TheEvilJester]

I know just how you feel, as I have problem approaching women myself. However, I can tell you that a lot of what you are saying is illustrating exactly the problem you have. Mind you, I'm not trying to point the finger at you because I sure as heck understand how hard this is. I'm just saying this....

A) I am sure you are not ugly. That is the first thing you need to learn. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway. I, of all people, know this is easier said than done, but the first step is learning to build your own confidence. Maybe first you should start to gain more friends. Get involved in a hobby you enjoy or something like that which can be social and get you to meet people. When you are around like people you will meet friends and have a good time. I've found that when you meet a lot of people who seem to enjoy your company and think you are a good dude, it becomes a lot harder to think so poorly of yourself. If you start to find that so many good people seem to like you, you start to realize how they could all be wrong?

B) Part of the point is that you have to expect rejection now and then. If they reject you, that is their loss, not yours. If they reject you, to Hell with them. You move on and eventually you will find somebody who will give you a chance. Again, I of all people know how difficult that is, so trust me when I say I understand how that seems nearly impossible when you are so shy. But, the more you do it, the easier it will get, and the more confidence you will build.

I think the most important thing you need to realize, though, is that you ARE good enough. Don't worry about whether you are good enough for any woman you may want to approach, worry about whether she is good enough for you. Mind you, I'm not telling you to become a cocky a-hole. It would be equally bad to go in the complete opposite direction. I'm just saying, for all you know Mystery Girl Number 3 ain't all that great herself. You don't know. She'd have to give you the chance to get to know her for you to make that determination.

So you need to remind yourself that you are awesome and any girl would be lucky to have you. No, you are not God's gift to women, but you are a good dude, and she's be lucky to have you in her life. If she won't take the chance to give you a try, then that is HER loss, not yours. Move on and you will find somebody who will. That is the attitude you need to adopt. Trust me, I know how hard that can be, I know it is a million times easier said than done. Still, it is worth it if you can work your way towards the realization that you deserve to be happy.

[basilandthyme]

I'm going to put out there that I was always loathe to start talking with a random stranger who approached me. Looks didn't make any difference.

I was always more likely to respond well if we met by way of introduction at a party or by way of hobby or sports.

[TheEvilJester]

I actually agree with you on that, basil. The problem with that is then how do you ever meet people if you are reluctant to just strike up a conversation with a complete or at least relative stranger? I, for one, am not Mr. Social Butterfly, nor do I EVER have any interest in being that. Don't get me wrong, I've learned to force myself out of my shell to some degree out of necessity. Still, I'm never going to be Mr. Life of the Party, always at some kind of party or social event every weekend, meeting tons and tons of people all the time.

So, for a guy like me, the options are pretty limited.

Problem is, I've never been the "cold approach" type of guy who can just strike up a conversation with any random gal and ask her out. Part of that is because I am so shy, part of that is because I'm not like normal guys. I don't necessarily even want to ask a girl out until I at least know her a little. If I don't at least know, "hey this girl seems nice and seems like somebody whose company I might enjoy" then I have no interest in asking her out anyway, but would at least be open to getting to know her better.

Again, not being all that social a creature, I don't really know how to do that, exactly. I sort of don't know what the heck to say, and being as it is definitely not the type of situation in which I am comfortable, I can't just go in without some idea of how to steer the conversation, or ask to get to know the gal better.

So, back to curiousman...

I guess the bottom line there is I am kinda going through the same thing myself. So, heck, let's us random strangers on the Internet kick this thing in the arse together! Team Get Over Our Shyness and Actually Learn How to Talk to Women. .....That name's too long. We'll come up with a better name. That will be first on the agenda.

[SummerNight]

First thing to understand that there are no "classes" or "leagues". Everybody is in the same league. You have to think of yourself and the girl as equals. The girl don't want to be treated as some queen - she wants to have a genuine guy talking with her.

Your best bet is to just go up and say whatever comes to your head. Don't try to act anything or be somebody. If you are nervous you can even tell her you are nervous.

Yes, you will be rejected many times, that's part of the game but does it change anything about YOU if you get rejected? No. You are still the same. The more you get rejected the more you will realize that you are still alive and nothing bad has happened. This in return will provide you with even more confidence.

[GemaaaSpirit]

I don't want to promote alcohol or anything but c'mon, you have to realise that can help SO much to give that initial spark!

I'm a woman not a man like you, but in my own experience I can tell you, my breaktrough was when I stopped giving a heck about anyone. Just feel awesome about yourself man, and you won't be scared about approaching any girl.

If you are doing something cool with your life, something hard but useful in the future... you should feel enough self-esteem to not feel scared about that. It's really all about self-esteem.

Anyway, good luck

[TheEvilJester]

Gemaaa, good advice except for one thing..... what if, like me, you don't drink.

[Boisdevie]

We do it by realising that it either works or it doesn't. And if we go for a girl and she says no we don't get a bullet in the head. You are stressing way too much. But the bigger questions is how to not be stressed? Try to keep a sense of proportion. If the chick says no you've still got internet porn and whacking off to fall back on. Could be worse.

[woody]

O.P

Superficials flock towards superficials.
Characters with depth gravitate towards characters with depth.
'Looks' are bullshit and truly matter not for a quality person of realness... Confidence however, matters.

You won't find out until you try. If you do get rejected, consider it dodging a bullet from a flakey superficial twit you wouldn't want anyway.....

go out and have some fun... This is, after all, your life. Go live it.

[TheEvilJester]

Wait a minute.... I'm so disappointed in myself. How has my inner-grade schooler not thrown in at least one response like "Any way they can get it" in answer to the topic of this thread? LOL!

But, seriously, I do think a lot of good advice has been thrown your way. The fact that you need to realize (that I need to realize) is that you are a catch. Somebody is going to think you are awesome. If you ask a girl out and she can't even give you the time of day to find that out for herself, then to Hell with her. Move on and find another girl who will. Good luck!