Is She Really Gone?

[Mack15]

Where do I begin?

I've been dating my girlfriend for nearly 9 months and things were going amazing. We can talk about anything, we communicate very well about our concerns and worries and hopes and dreams. After 3 months we were in love. We told each other and she told me that she knew by the end of our first date that I was "the one" for her. I was thrilled and told her I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. She told me several times she was worried about falling in love because she felt like the pursuer and was afraid I would leave her. I promised her that I would never blind side her, that if something was bothering me about us that I'd make sure to talk to her about it and try to resolve it together. I even offered to go see a couples therapist to see if there was any way to alleviate her anxiety. She said that was really sweet but didn't think we needed that now.

About 3 months ago she asked if I thought we'd be ready to move in together soon. We both have young children from previous relationships so I was hesitant. I told her I'd feel better if we let them get to know each other and see how that acted around each other before making any big decision like that but that I was open to exploring that. We both liked the idea of being able to see each other daily. About 2 months ago, while we were exploring the moving in together issue she asked how long I would normally wait until proposing. I said I can totally see marrying you one day but I think it's a good idea to take it one step at a time. She said she agreed and just wanted to make sure I was serious before combining our families. Everything was still great after that. We called and texted each other all the time. Sent little love notes etc.

About 1 month ago, the father of her child stopped by and told her "he never stopped loving her". Now, she left him for some very clear reasons, they were never married and he never seemed to support her goals and was very controlling among other things. She called me right away to tell me and I asked if she still had feeling for him. She said she didn't but it rattled her. We talked a bit and she felt she needed a few days to process it. I agreed and gave her space. I went out of town on business and didn't contact her for a week. When I came back we talked and I told her how I felt, she said she felt the same way but needed a few more days to settle down. A few days after that she called me to talk and she said I made her feel a lot better and she appreciated the space I gave her because it showed I really cared about her. The next day she asked if we could get together to talk. When I got there we chatted a bit and then she said she just wanted to "put all that behind us and move on." I was thrilled. We had an amazing night and it felt like everything was back to normal. We kept talking daily and everything seemed blissful. A few days later she asked if I could come over the next day and I said sure, that I'd make her dinner.

I noticed that there seemed to be a bit of a distance between us but I didn't make much of it. She was stressed with school and work and with parenting stuff so I just tried to help out to give her time and we talked a bit. She said she was sorry she was being so distant but that she just needed to ease back into things, that it would get better and I shouldn't worry. So I didn't worry.

Over the next couple of days she said she thought maybe we should slow things down a bit until she could figure everything out with school and work and everything else going on in her head. I said sure, just to let me know when she wanted to talk and if and when she thought we could get together. I tried not to put any pressure on her and she seemed to appreciate it.

She started seeing a therapist that had helped her in the past so I was encouraged. After talking to the therapist she told me she needed some space. I asked what she meant by space and she said "a few weeks of not talking" I said I could do that for her I just wanted to talk to her to clarify some things. When we talked she said that she and her therapist thought she needed some time to "just focus on school and working with the therapist" that she didn't have "anything to give to the relationship" that it was "too stressful" she felt "too much pressure to figure things out sooner rather than later because I was waiting for her." I asked if we could just put everything on hold and revisit in a few weeks when her school work was done. She said she thought the best thing was for us to break up because she didn't know how she would feel later and didn't want to waste my time if she didn't feel better about things. I haven't talked to her since.

I am really confused because it doesn't seem to be anything about US but totally due to outside pressures. I know she needs space so I don't want to pursue her right now and make her feel more stressed but everything I felt about her I still feel and I know that beneath all her confusion she does too. And I know I need some time to put all this in perspective but I am just lost right now. I can't get rid of the hope that this will still sort itself out.

[woody]

Okay. First off, I'm sorry your going through this. This is a toughie on the ol' heart.
In a nutshell, I'll give you my two various thoughts on this.

First possible scenario?: When this ex showed up, it brought forth a whole slew of past emotions and all the struggles that came with and if he turned on the water works, this could have really pulled a number on her. She has a child with him and all the past hopes, dreams came flooding back and she's pissed off she let it, hence the need for space to figure things out. She may indeed feel it is unfair to both you and her to continue while she's in this state.

Second possible scenario?: (and this one's not as easy on you) sorry.
Old feelings may have come back when this ex showed up and the whole "my therapist said this, my therapist and I think that" is a smoke screen and she's trying to find a way to ease out gently. (again, i'm sorry to say, and this is just a guess by a stranger so don't bet on it)...
I just find the timing of the distance placed by her to be rather odd and as many say, there are no coincidences.

I admire the love and compassion your showing this lady. How very cool indeed. Yet all you can do is offer the space she has requested and see what happens. I'll advise you to guard your own heart and know you are a good man and be proud of this.
I hope it all works for you the way you'd like it to.
Seems if this ex hadn't shown up, you and her would still have a great balance going on. He could be a thorn in her side; he may be something else and only time will tell there man.
good luck

[Mack15]

Thanks Woody.

I think your first scenario is pretty plausible. When we did talk about it those were pretty much her exact words. "She was annoyed" that she was having to deal with this. She said she needed space and that it wasn't fair to me to keep me in limbo. I think the distance was due to the fact that she thought at first she was over it but then realized that she wasn't quite.

I'm not willfully ignoring the second scenario. In a way, if she does get back with her ex, I know it won't last. It never has in the past for a reason. The last time they were together they started fighting almost immediately. All her friends and family remind her of this so I think that maybe she might realize that it wasn't meant to be with him if that were to happen.

Or maybe he really has changed, at least enough to make it work with her and they will be happy ever after. If that's the case then I'll be okay knowing she's happy. I just want her to be okay with her life. I'd like to be part of that but that's her call not mine at this point.

I'm giving her the space. I'm working on myself and getting used to being alone again. I'll be okay, I know that. I will probably gently reach out to her in a month or so just to see how school and everything went to see how she is doing. I think that is all I can do.

[woody]

Well your a good friend to her as well as a partner... and as you already know, those unions usually stand the test of time. They are 'untouchable'
good on you man.
best wishes regarding all that..

I hope others can offer you more advice as well.
kindly,
woody

[Wakeup]

After six month together she's pushing you to move in together (you don't even know one another in the short period of time) after telling you that several times she was worried about falling in love because she felt that she was the pursuer and that you might leave her and now she up and left you?

I know that you don't want to hear this but you're better off without her and letting her get the therapy she needs to be able to commit to a good guy... even if that "good guy" isn't you. She has commitment issues, yet she pushes for commitment? One mixed up lady.

While she's out of your life don't put yours on hold. Continue to date and pursue others. Find someone who doesn't contradict themselves, doesn't have ex baggage, is well over their last relationship and has graduated from therapy and actually knows what their end dating goals are and aren't afraid to wait to move in because they have their child's best interests in mind and don't want to uproot her or have different partners coming in and out of their life when things don't work out..

Don't keep introducing your wee one to women until you know that you're with the right one and you're actually ready for the next step of marriage or moving in with someone you really know. It takes more then six months to know whether or not you've fallen for a nutter.

I know you're going to "gently reach out to her" in a month but I'm going to tell you to leave it and let her reach out to you and if she never does then silently thank your higher power for looking out for your best interests. If she does, then don't contemplate carrying on with her unless her therapists recommends that she's ready for another relationship. Don't rush into co-hab with her either. You'll just be getting to know the new her.

Feel better soon.

[Mack15]

Wakeup,

Thank you for the input. One of the hard parts of the forum is relaying all the nuance. She wasn't pushing to move in but she just wanted to talk about it. She said she had no problem waiting she just wanted to know if I thought we might be moving that way. I don't know that it is commitment issues so much as an inability to cope with stress. She has some boundary issues that she freely admits to.

I think overall she is well adjusted but she is under a lot of stress right now and the timing of everything couldn't have been worse.

Like I said before, she doesn't really know what to make of her mixed feelings about her ex. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for her. I just feel like after all we talked between us I have a pretty good idea of the situation. She is, if nothing else, a fairly good communicator (present situation excepted).

I know I have to be cautious with introducing my child to women. I waited a very long time to introduce her to my child for exactly that reason. I did it a little quicker than normal maybe because she already knew him in another context (long story).

If we are able to get back together, I know we'll have to take things slow. I am not waiting for her either, I am getting on, but I can't just give up either.