"Cheating" before defining the relationship

[lavinia808]

Recently I’ve gone on 5 or so informal dates with a guy (I’ll call him Joe) that I think is really special, and I really want to see where things go with him. We both recently casually acknowledged that we hadn’t been with anyone else since met. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Then, last night, I went out for my friends birthday and had a few too many before going home with an old hookup (never a connection, just great sex). It felt really wrong even when I was drunk, which sadly only made things more exciting, and then I felt just terrible about the whole thing when I woke up this morning.

I think that if Joe found out about last night he would feel crushed, but I doubt it would be a deal breaker for him. I don’t consider us to be officially exclusive and I don’t think he does either. Am I making too many assumptions here? Is it wrong of me not to tell him what happened last night? Would it be wrong of me TO tell him?

My own judgment is telling me not to, which leads to the question.... how do I then handle the guilt on my own and make sure nothing like this ever happens again? I’ve always looked down on cheaters as scummy and pathetic. Now I’m feeling pretty sick with myself, and what’s worse is I can empathize with the high people get off of being unfaithful now. I both overwhelmed with guilt and terrified of becoming that person!! I just wish this were all a bad dream.

[Wakeup]

You felt terrible which made it all the more enjoyable for you? Is that what you're saying?

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I'm not exactly sure how to necessarily feel in your particular case. In this case, my initial thought is that it isn't really cheating if you two aren't exclusive. If you are really just in the dating stage and don't really consider yourself boyfriend and girlfriend yet, then I don't think that implies an expected exclusivity.

Then again, you've had five dates with him and haven't yet decided, even at least unofficially just in your own mind, whether or not you may want to be exclusive to this guy? I mean, I wouldn't necessarily say you have to have the exclusivity discussion yet, but I would think by five dates you'd at least be certain enough that you want to continue with him that you wouldn't date or "hook up" with other guys.

I guess the answer to did you cheat really lies more in your understanding and his understanding of your relationship as it is now. If you felt you two were at a point where you shouldn't date and/or "hook up" with other guys, then that kind of leans toward cheating. If you are still in a stage where you honestly felt that there was no expected exclusivity between you two, then perhaps it isn't really cheating. A good indication of that would be to think of it like this.... If the roles were reversed and he hooked up with some other girl, would that have hurt your feelings, and/or possibly caused you to break it off with him? If yes, then perhaps that is your answer.

Now, what I cannot agree with or condone at all is your attitude that this was somehow more exciting because it was wrong/made you feel terrible. An attitude like that is sure to do you no favors in life. There is absolutely nothing thrilling about betraying somebody's trust. Mind you, I'm not saying that is what you did here. Maybe you did, maybe you did not. I cannot say that for sure since I am not you or this fella you've been dating for a little while not. All I am saying is, find your thrills elsewhere because that particular kind of thrill-seeking always ends in heartache and will likely eventually end with you alone. Good luck to you either way. I hope it all works out for the best for all parties.

[eve.ashley]

you have had 5 dates with a guy and no sex, but you did have sex with a guy you don't like as a person.

why?

you need to know what you want, and you need to tell the guy you are dating what you want.

blaming cheating on a high is lame. then be single and role play that you are cheating and sneaking around.

you can't be addicted to cheating high, lol, so don't say oh i'm so afraid i will be that person, so don't.

why did two grown people go on 5 dates and didn't have sex yet?