i don't think an open realtionship is a good idea. am i being selfish?

[eve.ashley]

a little background story:


my boyfriend is the best, most loving man i have ever met. he was also 20 when we met and i was 33.

he was a single man, playing the field and never had a relationship or dated anyone.
when i say playing the field i mean really playing the field, multiple sex partners daily since he was 13.

we have been friends for years, coz i was in an abusive relationship and he helped me out of it.
he has done the most amazing, loving,life saving things for me.

when we talked about a relationships, before when we were friends, he was in favour of an open relationship with ground rules that would make sure we can have sex but not emotional attachment to other people...
this was due to, well, him never trying monogamy, and due to him having doubts that it was something that can work.

after three years i have finally managed to put my abusive relationship and the damage done in it behind me and we made love, and are on our way to be together.

i understand that my bf might dread monogamy, having never had it, but i think letting each other sleep with other people is a really bad idea.

i think he simply never imagined the kind of monogamy that we will have, (we will have a sound proof sex room, enough said).

i think we have a better chance of making it, if he simply accepted that acting out every sexual urge you have is for single people only, and people in relationships learn to masturbate to other people and that's that.

i also do not want my partner to feel trapped, but i feel he owes it to us to try monogamy for a year, before he can say if it's really such a bad thing for him...

am i being selfish, or do i have a right to say, darling, i love you, but you are gaining more than giving up, and open relationship is off the table till you give it your best to live monogamy for a year.

i think i'm just trying to protect my relationship, your opinion?

i'm not looking to change my bf, i just think his fear of monogamy is irrational, since we are a very good match and very much in love
if having some action on the side proves crucial for my bf's happiness, i am perfectly willing to open things up after a year.

BTW, no my bf is not a horny shallow person.he is the most respectful loving man, who happens to be too smart for his own good, and questions everything, monogamy included...

he will agree to monogamy in a heartbeat, that is not the point, the point is will he be happy, and am i being selfish or wise!

for all the people in here that might have certain prejudice against us due to age difference, no i am not his mother figure.
in fact we very much balance each other out, and he is as much of a father figure to me as i am mother figurine to him, and that's none, we are adults and equals.

so please do not lecture me how he hasn't sown wild oats, and how he is too young for commitment, he has had more sex than i will have in 3 lives and i have had relationships and he hasn't, both of these fact i find irrelevant...

the question here is, my bf will ask me soon, very soon, whether i want to start our relationship as an open one or closed one,and should i say i want to start as a closed relationship or open one.

whatever we decide in a year's time we will renegotiate the terms...

however we start will not be the end of us, we adore each other and we have been through many complicated, life altering things together...

i just need people's inputs on how to start this life long journey off, and what would be better for us right now...

so as willingly as he will try monogamy for me i will try non monogamy for him, the question here is simply, would that be a good idea, or a better idea than starting off monogamous.

[rjitktd]

very good interesting temm for me and manis athes piples