Why is my husband in touch with his ex?

[angelicia55]

Hi all,

I'm married for 3 years with a 6 mths old son. Recently I found out accidentally from checking his whatsapp for a phone number that my husband has been in touch with his first ex from 16 years ago. Their chat/ talk seems innocent enough but I'm just wondering why is he hiding it from me? And from their conversations that I read, she does ask about his family( me n our son) but he often just mention our baby not me. He avoids her questions about me and changes topic. Am I being over sensitive or is it a guy thing that they don't talk abot their wife?

When she pop back in town for a visit, she and a few of their old friends came over to visit our baby, that was the first time I met her. She seemed nice n friendly。I honestly didn't feel threaten by her til I saw his txts regarding that visit. She said they were coming by soon. He replied "baby's sleeping. Let's go elsewhere to catch up. By the beach perhaps." After seeing his reply I felt he did not want me n her to meet.. Does he have some other agenda in mind?

He would tell her how stress he is with work n just talk about rubbish, share links and news. He asked her about her recent divorce, he seemed very concerned from the questions he asked.He even asked how her children are doing in school everything and give advice. I was like "OMG!! Since when did he become a councillor" And he even invited her to move to our city for a new start.
From what I remebered vaguely, this ex was his 2nd ex and it lasted a year or so. There were other Exes after her. One lasted for 3years and another for 5 years but he never did keep in touch with them. This is the only ex he's in touch with. Does she really mean a lot to him?it really is killing me inside thinking if she really is that important to him.

I called his best buddy and pretended to see how he was doing , then I found out from his best buddy that my husband and him don't keep in touch that often. Which made me feel insecure.
I am asking here for male opinions because I know most females would say it is not alright and there is no way exes should keep in touch.

Please help. Thank you very much in advance everyone. Sorry if I asked too many questions.

[BusyBee]

Well, I'm here because I have an issue too, I?m female, but I would say the problem is not that he keeps in touch but that he is hiding it from you.
On top of it you cannot discuss it with him as you would have to admit that you checked his messaged and then the situation will be worse.
I would say that hiding the contact means there is more to it but I also would like to know what the guys say

[Wakeup]

You CAN discuss it with him and you should admit that you were snooping. Just don't let him direct the conversation away from why his talking to her without mentioning it to you and make it out to be about you snooping.

You need to talk to him about this and how it makes you feel and not put so much value on what strangers on the internet think because what matters is how it makes you feel and whether or not YOU think its alright.

[BusyBee]

Ok there, I agreewith you on that one but notice how all the guys avoid the subject? I was told by some male friends that a man likes to keep an opportunity on the side just in case he doesn't get what he needs with the current one.

[basilandthyme]

I'm wondering what your reaction would have been if he'd told you that she got in contact. Would you have been cool with it or would you have gotten upset? If it's the latter, then it explains him keeping it a secret.

[Wakeup]

Ok there, I agreewith you on that one but notice how all the guys avoid the subject? I was told by some male friends that a man likes to keep an opportunity on the side just in case he doesn't get what he needs with the current one.

Maybe players do that. Has your husband been an asshole partner in the past? Cheated on you or gave you reason to suspect him being like what your male friends say?

Maybe he just wants a female friend because you have male ones that talk smack to you?

[BusyBee]

I reckon there is something behind it, there is no need to tell you what they discuss, just to tell you he talks to her sometimes it wouldn't bother you as much.

Saying that I agree with wakeup, have you got any reasons to think ther may be more to it?

[angelicia55]

Ived just asked him abt those messages on his phone. His reply was " what's wrong with keeping her as contact?life us too short to lose an ol friend. " speechless I was. And he went to bed. Then I snooped n checked, his fingerscanned proof his phone. Damn him!!

[woody]

Where are the men on this one?
I'm a tomboy; here be my two bits

She was from long long ago.
He is feeling proud and nostalgic over his new awesome family and wants to share/brag how well you all are and she may be a she but she may also be one of the few good ol chums from days past.

Next; many many men assume that we women will get upset and over think things, concern ourselves when there is no need for concern and in this, they assume that by keeping things from us, it keeps us safe. They forget about our innate added senses and seem to often misunderstand that by keeping things from us, it opens up that cosmic can of worms which then brings suspicion...

He is a man.
You are a woman.

Locking his phone would be annoying. So at the end of the day, you need to have a talk with him. Sure, your alright with maintaining old chums, even an ex from nearly two decades ago. But he needs to understand and grow some more compassion your way; you are a new Mother, this is a new family unit and gee wiz, you wouldn't mind some of that super concern he's tossing her way, directed towards you, his wife.......

[Wakeup]

Ived just asked him abt those messages on his phone. His reply was " what's wrong with keeping her as contact?life us too short to lose an ol friend. " speechless I was. And he went to bed. Then I snooped n checked, his fingerscanned proof his phone. Damn him!!

YOU have male friends so why are you upset that he now has a female one?

[Wakeup]

*Crickets*

[angelicia55]

YOU have male friends so why are you upset that he now has a female one?

I have male friends but I don't keepsake their things in my bedside drawer. oMg, I feel awful now. I guess I'll have to admit he does still have feeling for her. I'll see when I have a chance maybe get to talk thtroguh this calmly I hope?!

Thank you for the input guys.

[TiffanyLum]

You sound really panicky about this entire thing!! It also feels as though you don't trust your husband

The best thing to do is just to stay calm and cool. The more anxious you get over these things, the worse the problem becomes, which in turn might make your husband want to talk to his ex even more. Human psychology works this way.

Remember: stay cool, calm and smooth

As hard as this sounds, it is the best way to resolve the situation. Over time, people will have to move on. So don't fret too much about it.