I Cheated, It's Over

[lionsmane]

I was in a relationship with someone for 6 months, it just ended last week.

For the first three months, things were great. He'd never had a girlfriend before (he's 28, also never had sex before) but we made it work. We had fun together and kept things happy. From December until now, he became very emotionally withdrawn after I had too much to drink one night, which he didn't like. He didn't want to have sex and didn't seem interested in doing things together. One particular weekend, I had to convince him to even have sex with me. It was like we clocked in and clocked out every weekend and watched netflix together, sometimes go out for a beer or dinner. I was confused because things seemed to turn so quickly. At one particular point I even expressed to him "I miss you" (he was out of town for the weekend) and he responded with a check mark emoji and said "I'm not real relationshippy if you haven't noticed."

Things came to a head in late january and we discussed improving our relationship and moving onwards together. I had hopes because we both seeemed like we wanted to make it work. However, the verynext week, he bailed on an event in which he was going to meet my friends for the first time (5 months into dating). Apparently us sleeping in the same bed was a huge issue because he can't sleep well whenever someone is next to him. He told me that because I slept over with him the night before, I lost all chances for him to be social with me and that he wasn't sure why I was so confused/hurt/etc. I was really disappointed and told him such, yet he never tried to make it up to me, he never apologized for not going, etc. Simply said it was my fault for sleeping over, my fault for not understanding, and that I had no right to be upset.

I cheated on him shortly after with an old friend that happened to be coming to my area one weekend. He came over to catch up and talk, which was a poor idea in the first place. We had wine, one thing led to another, and I cheated. No I'm not proud of it, but it happened. I didn't tell my boyfriend for a few weeks. In the meantime, the few weeks between were not reflective of our relationship moving upward - For example, on Valentine's day, we watched Seinfeld and got takeout - which there is no problem with, but I expressed the idea that I wanted to go out to dinner and his response to me was "Well I don't feel like making reservations anywhere." Two weeks ago, he made comments that he liked my "old body" (about fifteen pounds lighter - back when I was struggling with an eating disorder/exercise addiction in 2013) and that I should get back to that point.

After about two weeks, I couldn't take it anymore. Finally, my guilt overcame me and I confessed. He broke up with me on the spot and didn't understand how I could have done what I did.


Apparently he told his mom (who is friendly with my mom and relayed this message to me) that he "really loved me" and was ready to take our relationship to the "next level." Nothing we ever did together was indicative of this.

I have sent him a few emails to which he responded, but he ultimately said that he owes me nothing and that if we do speak again, it will be on his terms. I understand where he is coming from and I know what I did was completely wrong. I know I will never cheat again but I am having a really hard time forgiving myself and moving on. I don't want to hold out hope for him because I don't think it's going to happen, but I do wish I could say what I need to say to him.

What should I do, and why all of a sudden is he rewriting history?

[skyliner33]

He seems like an @$$hole from what you describe, and not the good kind; basically a d!ck. The fact that he is so callous towards your efforts to help the relationship be, well, a "relationship," shows his clear lack of experience, and disregard for you in the situation. This is more of a rhetorical question, but how is the sex anyways? I would imagine not that good if he is 28, inexperienced, and making you go to the extent of "convincing" him for sex. Do you realistically see this aspect of the relationship improving?

By the way, he should want to meet your friends, and the excuse of not getting enough sleep is BS. I have been around past GFs friends when I felt miserable; sometimes you just suck it up for someone you care about regardless of how you feel. That is incredibly selfish of him. Also, that comment about your body is about as low as it goes, especially given the innate sensitivity of the subject, and the fact that you had the issues you described in the past.

As for the fact that you cheated...you should have been honest about your feelings with him, and put the relationship on the line before you sought intimacy elsewhere. You probably made him feel like crap, especially since you are his first girlfriend, and the person to whom he lost his virginity.

That being said, I do understand why you would cheat on him; I'm sure you wanted to feel desired, and attractive, and he sure as heck wasn't helping you with that, but that's kinda what you get with a guy his age with that little experience.

He probably said all of that to his mom so that he could rationalize his pain, and humiliation from feeling betrayed, but I doubt that he really "loved" you the way his mom tried to portray it. He is doing that so he doesn't have to bear any of the emotional burden for the way he sucked at treating you.

I would just take this as a lesson for next time...DON'T CHEAT. It never leaves you, or the other person feeling better. If you feel like the relationship is over, or that you aren't getting the intimacy you need, then do what you can, and if that doesn't work, get out.

Hope this helps.

[basilandthyme]

I don't think he's an asshole. Instead, I think he's got a social skill impairment. Aspergers comes to mind for one.

Yes, cheating was wrong but what's done is done. It will take time to forgive yourself - but if you learn from the experience, self forgiveness should come more easily.

As for the other things to learn - if a guy withdraws for no apparent reason or isn't 'relationshippy', then move on. Don't waste time on someone who won't suit you long term.

[lionsmane]

One more thing -

He reached out to me Tuesday saying he wanted to hear my side of the story. We exchanged a few emails
Tuesday. He said he was confused and missing me but he still loved me and didn't want to walk away. Wednesday we talked a little bit. Wednesday night he didn't like how I worded one of my emails when he asked how he would ever trust me again.

We started texting and he reiterated that he still loved me. He began asking me questions about my cheating - if I still talked to the guy (Isaid he knew we broke up) and if we could ever still be friends. I said I didn't know. He asked me explicit details (did he finish in you, what position, "did he give it to you hard," ) and then at the end he said I didn't "remotely pass his test" and that he would give me one final email out of courtesy. He called me and we spent an hour and a half on the phone. We agreed to meet Saturday.

He gave me hope that we may be able to work things out. I told him I would cut the other person out of my life, etc. he made it seem like it may work.

Saturday I met him. He was cold and emotionless and I read him all the things I wanted to say. He told me it was over and that I was a terrible person who deserved to be alone. He said I'm pond scum for cheating and that nothing he did would ever allow for what I did. Why did he do this... And is he right ?

[Wakeup]

He gave me hope that we may be able to work things out.

That was hardly hope... its clear to me that he was just setting you up to bash you down. Someone who is serious about forgiving you for being a twat would never shit test you like this guy did.

You have zero personal boundaries because not only did you allow yourself to betray another but you lowered yourself to the level of the man who would fk a girl he knows is already in a relationship. After that, you allowed someone to shit test you thinking that his abuse was "hope."

Forget both these guys and get reading about personal boundaries and how to hone your own self-respect and worth. If you don't then you're going to keep making these same types of errors in judgement that will affect YOU negatively forever.

I'm adding that even if someone is an "asshole" that is no reason for you to cheat but rather exit the relationship because you are being mistreated... If you have good personal boundaries and you won't let anyone cross them then you will learn just how easy it is to tell someone to go fvck themselves, that you're outta there because you deserve better then apathy and disinterest in your wants and expectations instead of doing what you did.

- - - Updated - - -

Further to above: Google "The Importance of Personal Boundaries" and read how they will help you with your self-esteem, your sense of worth, your courange and confidence to ditch men who are "assholes" instead of trying to force them to be who you want them to be, staying and cheating.

Good luck on your self-improvement.

- - - Updated - - -

BTW: You're not a "terrible person." You're just a person that has been brought up without any positive role modeling so you don't have a good sense of yourself and how valuable you are so you allow others to disrespect and devalue you even more. THAT is what you need to work on, to learn to love yourself so that you can quickly suss out asshole smells and Lysol them right out of your life at the first whiff. You certainly won't feel a need to stay in the stink and pretend it's perfume like you did with this particular bung hole you're on about in your thread.

Onward and upward now.

[Photog]

His coldness is him protecting his feelings. You hurt him, he's struggling with trust issues. You'll have to earn that trust. Calling you pond scum doesn't help matters, but you have to let him express the pain.

And remember, infidelity cannot be excused. Don't blame it on wine or anything else but yourself. Its devastating, and in most cases, creates a situation that is permanently fatal to the relationships possible future.

Don't do that again.

[woody]

The nifty thing about dating when younger is you get to find out all the qualities you either like or don't like in other people and sometimes, in yourself as well.

Dear lady, I believe this one was the wrong fit for you and I believe you know that.

Your young. Sure, cheating is not the best option and now you know how it feels. I doubt you'd do it again.
But you cheated on a young man who wasn't the right fit for you either so while yes, it hurts to have done this, let it go. Lessons learned right? right. ( and no, i'm not saying it's ok to cheat on someone if their a jerk, just ease up on the self inflicted guilt your stewing in is all i'm saying)

You won't get the closure your hoping for. I'm sure he's relishing in his new found power over you and enjoying knowing your squirming about feeling guilty. So, balance that out will you.? Let it go, let him go.
and next time, find a guy who doesn't insult your body or you or play games.
Sometimes, they could be decent folks but they just aren't a match.

[Mack15]

I think that neither of you have really developed good boundary skills yet. He is using your guilt to try to make you feel the pain that he feels from being cheated on. His hang up on the exact details of your encounter seem to suggest that he is obsessing about it.

I was relatively inexperienced compared to my first girlfriend oh so many years ago and I recall feeling quite insecure about sex. She had been with other people before me and I felt like I was being compared to her past partners. It caused a lot of anxiety to the point that I avoided sex. So, that may be what he felt before.

Either way, you both need to be apart from each other to develop your own self-esteems more. In a good relationship, you build each other up rather than suck energy from each other to try to feel better. The only person that can truly make you happy is you and the only person that can truly make him happy is him.

I'm sorry your feeling sh!tty right now. It sucks I know.

[drleo]

His coldness is him protecting his feelings. You hurt him, he's struggling with trust issues. You'll have to earn that trust. Calling you pond scum doesn't help matters, but you have to let him express the pain.

And remember, infidelity cannot be excused. Don't blame it on wine or anything else but yourself. Its devastating, and in most cases, creates a situation that is permanently fatal to the relationships possible future.

Don't do that again.

i agree with you let express the pain

[TiffanyLum]

If you have cheated on him, it's best not to go back to that original relationship. The reasons are obvious.

Just go find another boyfriend and start anew. Judging from the fact that your relationship was only 6 months (relatively short), it's best to just break up now before the emotional hole gets too deep.

[eve.ashley]

oh good god why you'd you ever want that guy. for God's sake do not get back together with him.
you should not be dating anyone for as long as the guy you described seems like a viable choice for a bf, and should spend that time in therapy.

any psyche that picked that guy out of all guys around her, should not be trusted to pick the next guy, till you get some serious counseling.

[Resessions]

Ok, yeah you definitely messed up by cheating. However, from what you've said he was clearly treating you like crap before you did that which isn't ok either. My best advice would be to consider it a lesson learned on why cheating is toxic for you and whomever may be a future partner for you and sever ties with this guy because it sounds like he's going to continue to drag you through mud as long as you keep in contact with him.

[basilandthyme]

Old thread!