He is “afraid for him and afraid for me”?!

[Eleni]

Do you remember 1990? Most of you younger people were not even born then! Well, that was the last time I was normally dating (I am 48)!! Then I got married, divorced 3 years ago and then he showed up. He is 65, divorced, living in a different country. We liked each other very much while communicating (online dating site, email (70 pages!), phone) before we actually met. When we finally met, it was a fantastic experience but after some time he had to leave. He told me that I was the woman he was looking for, a “sweet and innocent girl”. But he also said that he had difficulties maintaining his relationships due to his job requirements (travelling frequently around the world). Then he changed his attitude and became distant. He has been still calling since he went back home two months ago. Sometimes he tells me how worried he is because he thinks I am dependent on him. We talk about it openly since I don’t have much experience in long distance relationships and his opinion is that we have to be patient and have self control over our emotions in these situations, until we meet again. He has been trying to make me realize how difficult this relationship would be although “I am perfect and it has nothing to do with me but with the circumstances”. I am completely aware of the difficulties of this relationship, and I want to try really hard to make it work. In a week or two he is coming to see me again and then we will see what will happen. But there is one thing I don’t understand and I would like your opinion on that (I was too scared to ask him to explain it!!!!!). What does it mean when a man says: “I am afraid for me and for you” ??
ps. Sorry if my English is not perfect, I am not a native speaker.

[eve.ashley]

good god woman, paragraph!

[Eleni]

Yes, you are right.

[eve.ashley]

well he is afraid of you guys getting hurt. both of you. it seems like he has had some bad experiences with people.

as we all have but some people worse than others.

sometimes it really isn't you, or lack of attraction from them to you, it's bad timing and circumstances, and that persons mental mess inside...

you guys are long distance, if he didn't like you he could simply disappear on you.

take things slowly and slowly but firmly reassure him he doesn't have to fear for him or you...

good luck.

[Eleni]

Thank you very much, Eve. I will continue reassuring him as much as I can. Although I have never fought for any man this much and I am not sure if I am doing it right.

I am not trying to contact him too much, I just send him an email or sms once a week in order to prove him I am not dependent on him (I am,in fact, but I know he is right about both of us continuing to have our usual life routine while we are away from each other, so I am coping with my desire and sadness as an adult without bothering him too much).But every time we talk I tell him that I really like him, that I am not playing games, that he is so special to me, and that I can wait. He tells me exactly the same.

I hope we will succeed ...

[eve.ashley]

Thank you very much, Eve. I will continue reassuring him as much as I can. Although I have never fought for any man this much and I am not sure if I am doing it right.

I am not trying to contact him too much, I just send him an email or sms once a week in order to prove him I am not dependent on him (I am,in fact, but I know he is right about both of us continuing to have our usual life routine while we are away from each other, so I am coping with my desire and sadness as an adult without bothering him too much).But every time we talk I tell him that I really like him, that I am not playing games, that he is so special to me, and that I can wait. He tells me exactly the same.

I hope we will succeed ...

to be honest, he just seems very afraid of getting hurt.

this has to do with his past and how much hurt and betrayal he has had.

the moment he is sure you are who you say you are, his guard will go down.

we don't ask of people not to hurt us, that is not very likely.

all we ask is for people to be honest and try their best....

loads of people are manipulative and dishonest and more those he has met more guarded he will be...

you show him your action match your words and he will melt in you hands like butter on toast...

good luck and enjoy the process...

maybe you can contact him more often though....as long as you are not crazy eyes stalker, that can only be a good thing.

good women re hard to find, i'm sure he will be grateful for the way you fought fore him...

even if you guys do not end up together, you will, at least know, you gave it your best shot...

but no reason to be a pessimist...

[Eleni]

I hope you are right dear Eve. Thank you for your support. Both of us are too old to play games, and too wise to know when you meet someone you like so much that it is worth trying. But ... we all have baggage, bad and good history, objective obstacles...

What we need to make a final decision weather to put more effort in this (I think this is what he feels like more than I do) is to spend some more time together and then see what happend. I am more romantic than he is, I am ready right now to try. He is more realistic and trying to calm both of us down until we see what to do. That is the reason why he is keeping our contacts reduced, not to get us carried away more than we already are (in fact, he is trying to take care of me because he realized how I feel about him, and he is an honest man aware of his part in making me feel for him this way). At the same time, he knows he can't be there for me all the time, he knows it can be stressful, sad and depressive to be in such a relationship, he told me so. I can't help myself, you would not believe how romantic, tender, decent our communication was! However, I am trying hard to stay calm.

What I am really afraid of is that he was just interested in an affair at the beginning, but he developed feelings for me too (I am sure about that, I just know, feel, see that he likes me besides his telling me so). But when he saw me in person he realized I was who I said to be (not an affair material), and then he just didn't know how to get out of all this without hurting me much. He figured out that it might be the best if he slowly fades away, reducing our contact to the point where I would say "I can't do this any more". But he has been doing it since February? If that is whathe wanted, he could have dropped it so far.

There is something which I cannot explain. We first got in touch last August, but started communicating in December, opened our hearts in February, and then... We met twice and after the last meeting he immediatelly called while driving back saying he wanted to come back to me that minute but he knew he couldn't. Problems began two hours later (what the hell happened in his head during those two hours??!! When I asked him why he sounds so cold he told me he was writing his report after (I mean, really!!?? After so much excitement and happiness, you are ready to concentrate on your report at midnight!!) But then again, that night he worked on the photos he took of me and sent them to me that night. Maybe I made a mistake while talking to him then saying that it hurt me. When he asked what was it that hurt me, I could not explain well. I told him everything. What I felt was desire to be with him, you know that feeling when your stomach hurts you how much you want someone.The next morning I explained that I felt sad becuase he left and he had to leave the country not knowing when he would be able to come again. His comment was what would happen later if I feel that way now. That we have to go back to our lives... And since then he has been in contact, sometimes asking of me to tell him how much I want him, at other times trying to push me away.

I am a good woman. I know I can do this. I will not give up. It will have to be him to openly tell me "I want out of this".

[eve.ashley]

I hope you are right dear Eve. Thank you for your support. Both of us are too old to play games, and too wise to know when you meet someone you like so much that it is worth trying. But ... we all have baggage, bad and good history, objective obstacles...

What we need to make a final decision weather to put more effort in this (I think this is what he feels like more than I do) is to spend some more time together and then see what happend. I am more romantic than he is, I am ready right now to try. He is more realistic and trying to calm both of us down until we see what to do. That is the reason why he is keeping our contacts reduced, not to get us carried away more than we already are (in fact, he is trying to take care of me because he realized how I feel about him, and he is an honest man aware of his part in making me feel for him this way). At the same time, he knows he can't be there for me all the time, he knows it can be stressful, sad and depressive to be in such a relationship, he told me so. I can't help myself, you would not believe how romantic, tender, decent our communication was! However, I am trying hard to stay calm.

What I am really afraid of is that he was just interested in an affair at the beginning, but he developed feelings for me too (I am sure about that, I just know, feel, see that he likes me besides his telling me so). But when he saw me in person he realized I was who I said to be (not an affair material), and then he just didn't know how to get out of all this without hurting me much. He figured out that it might be the best if he slowly fades away, reducing our contact to the point where I would say "I can't do this any more". But he has been doing it since February? If that is whathe wanted, he could have dropped it so far.

There is something which I cannot explain. We first got in touch last August, but started communicating in December, opened our hearts in February, and then... We met twice and after the last meeting he immediatelly called while driving back saying he wanted to come back to me that minute but he knew he couldn't. Problems began two hours later (what the hell happened in his head during those two hours??!! When I asked him why he sounds so cold he told me he was writing his report after (I mean, really!!?? After so much excitement and happiness, you are ready to concentrate on your report at midnight!!) But then again, that night he worked on the photos he took of me and sent them to me that night. Maybe I made a mistake while talking to him then saying that it hurt me. When he asked what was it that hurt me, I could not explain well. I told him everything. What I felt was desire to be with him, you know that feeling when your stomach hurts you how much you want someone.The next morning I explained that I felt sad becuase he left and he had to leave the country not knowing when he would be able to come again. His comment was what would happen later if I feel that way now. That we have to go back to our lives... And since then he has been in contact, sometimes asking of me to tell him how much I want him, at other times trying to push me away.

I am a good woman. I know I can do this. I will not give up. It will have to be him to openly tell me "I want out of this".

maybe he is just scared. he wouldn't be the first person thinking all i need is a brief affair right now and falling deeply...

he is 17 years older. that's a lot of years to get your heart broken and fear drilled into you...

if he is a decent person and you love him and you already said you felt he had feelings for you too, then fight for you guys...

i think people regret more things they haven't done than those they've done...

i admire you strength and courage.

[Eleni]

"i admire you strength and courage."
Thank you again, Eve. That is exactly what I have been thinknig about the whole situation-I do not want to have any regrets. I'll keep my dignity and try to lose my ego... for love's sake. If it still is not enough for him, then fine, he definitelly is not that into me to go on with this and then I can walk away peacefully.

[eve.ashley]

"i admire you strength and courage."
Thank you again, Eve. That is exactly what I have been thinknig about the whole situation-I do not want to have any regrets. I'll keep my dignity and try to lose my ego... for love's sake. If it still is not enough for him, then fine, he definitelly is not that into me to go on with this and then I can walk away peacefully.

you sound like a great lady, he'd be crazy not to respond to that. got for it!