Jealousy... boyfriend's friend

[alwayseve]

My boyfriend and I have been toghether for over 2y. I feel like he's the one, and he feels the same way. We both trust eachother and are very confident about this relationship. But recently he said something that has been killing me.

He has a group of 6 friends he always hangs out with. When we started dating, I was happy to be introduced to them as his girlfriend, and they were very nice to me.
Recently, my boyfriend told me that he used to have feelings for one of the girls for a little while, about 6 months before we started dating. She liked him too, but they didn't want to ruin their friendship. He doesn't feel anything for her now, and I believe him. Otherwise he wouldn't have brought this up in a conversation with me (he used it as an example). I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable, he apologized for telling me this story and he understood that it was too much information.

My boyfriend never hangs out with her alone, but of course they do see each other regularly as they're in the same group of friends. I feel very uncomfortable knowing that they have had feelings for each other. I got jealous and became a drama queen, asking him if their friendship was more important than our relationship - why would he still talk to her if he knows that it's making me uncomfortable. (I know. Shouldn't have said that.)
His answer was of course that our relationship is the most important, but she's a very good friend. If I'm really uncomfortable with them hanging out togehther, he would stop having contact with her. But because that would affect their group of friends, it's impossible to do so.

I know that he chose me, and that he's happy with me. He respects me, and I feel stupid being so jealous, especially because the girl is also in a committed relationship. But it is killing me every time they see each other. I don't want to be the controlling B***, but can't stop thinking about what he said. I don't know what to do...

[Wakeup]

If you know that he loves and respects you.
If you know that he never hangs out with her alone.
If you know that he would drop the friendship if you are that neurotic about it.
If you know all those things then why are you being a ninny?

He is respecting you, the relationship, your feelings and he's not doing anything to cross monogamous relationship boundaries so what is the problem?

You can get past this by doing the mental work YOU need to do to actually trust your boyfriend rather then just give it lip service. I'm sorry I'm being straight up but I guess I'm having a hard time understanding your insecurity when you've not been given any reason to be insecure and therefor its you that needs to do the work to make yourself more comfortable rather then force him to give up a friend that he doesn't cross platonic friendship boundaries on her nor does he cross romantic relationship boundaries on you.

Now... if he was spending one on one time with her, doing date like activities with her without you present, was spending copious amount of time with her on the phone/texting/emailing and ignoring you while he did it, if he was sending her letters that he also said the same thing to you in, if he was crossing monogamous relationship boundaries on you ~ Then yes, I'd be on your side 100%.

As he's not doing anything for you to worry about then how about you don't worry and just enjoy your boyfriend and the value (he shows you in actions) that he has for you.

[alwayseve]

Thanks Wakeup for the advice.
I know that I don't have any reason to be this jealous. He's very respectful and doens't do any of those inappropriate things.
That's why I hate it even more when I get this jealous feeling
He once almost broke up with me when I confronted him in a wrong way about my jealousy. This made me think that he is choosing the frienship over our relationship. It took me some time to realize that he was threatening to break up because I was such a drama queen, not because he chose her. I felt so childish for having these thoughts.
Thanks for the advice, I agree that I have to work on myself instead of thinking he's done something wrong.

[Wakeup]

Here: Maybe this will help?

[url=http://www.practicalhappiness.com/overcoming-jealousy/how-to-overcome-jealousy/]How to Overcome and Abandon Jealousy[/url]

Google "How to overcome unsubstantiated jealousy" and read every self-help article you can to get you over your thoughts.

Good luck.

[alwayseve]

Many thanks for the link. I'm also reading a self-help book about morbid jealousy.
Thanks a lot!

[megvoh]

Do you not trust your bf, or it's her motives you don't trust? you'll get paranoid and combust your relationship being very jealous.

[eve.ashley]

darling, he is not doing anything wrong and you are pushing him away.
you seem to already know this and, you are on the right track.

he and his friend confused their friendship for a bit more, in the past, and now he is over it.

(or both are over it)

if she ever makes a move, he will deal with that appropriately. (he seems like a guy who knows wrong from right.)

for now, seriously do not create drama and ruin a good thing for yourself...

good men are not easy to find. don't push one good one away...

good luck!

[TheEvilJester]

I can definitely understand why you feel a little uncomfortable with this. I personally do believe that men and women very much can be just friends. I, myself, have many female friends.

Now, it is a little more complicated considering they once had feelings for each other, so I understand what that has you a bit concerned. Still, he was friends with this gal before he even knew you. You can't exactly expect him to stop having friends he's had for so long. Having an opposite gender friend when one or both parties are in a separate relationship can be tricky. It is important that appropriate boundaries are respected.

It sounds like, in this case, they very much are being respected. So, as long as things don't start to cross to an inappropriate level, just try to let it be. Hopefully in time he will prove through his actions that you have no reason to worry, and it will no longer bother you as much.

At the same time, if you find you really cannot deal with it, then that doesn't necessarily make you wrong in my view. The thing is, he's not really wrong either since he hasn't done anything inappropriate. Then, maybe you two are not necessarily the right match. That is a worst-case scenario type of idea, though, so hopefully it is a moot point.

Bottom line, your feelings are definitely understandable. You can't really help how you feel. All the same, nothing wrong is really being done, and he has obviously displayed to you that you are his top priority. So, hopefully in time he will continue to respect the appropriate boundaries, and that will allow you to see there is no reason to worry. Good luck to you!

[alwayseve]

Megvoh, eve.ashley, TheEvilJester, thanks a lot for your replies. I know that boundaries have always been respected.
I personally cut off contact with exes and male friends who had been flirting with me when me and my boyfriend started dating. I can't expect from him to do the same and have the exact same mindset about this but I think that's why I still feel uncomfortable.
I agree eve.ashley, good men are not easy to find I won't let jealousy ruin this relationship. Thanks, I needed this.

[TheEvilJester]

I do kind of agree that, in most cases, you really should cut off contact with exes when you are in a new relationship. To be honest, I tend to learn towards you should basically cut off all contact with exes even when you are not. Our exes are our exes for a reason, and usually we are much better off without them even in our life, much less as a significant other. In his case, this isn't really his ex, per se. Though they did share feelings for each other, they made the decision not to pursue them so as not to hinder their friendship, and they both have moved on. Granted, that sort of thing CAN lead to trouble, but that doesn't have to mean it always does. So, again, no harm in remaining cautious, but don't sweat it if he doesn't give you any reason for concern.

Also, I do think it was noble of you to cut off contact with male friends who used to flirt with you as well. I don't know if I would necessarily say that was needed, though. When you were not in a relationship, there is no harm in them flirting with you (as long as it didn't make you uncomfortable, but they continued to do so anyway despite your protests). So, they really weren't doing anything wrong at the time. As long as they didn't continue this once you were in a relationship, I would personally think it would have been okay to remain friends with them. But, you didn't feel it would be right, so you stuck to what you believe was the right thing. I admire you for that.

Good luck to you! I hope everything goes well and he continues to treat you as his number one priority.

[lei_faith]

Try to be friends with her
never talk again to your bf regarding your jealousy on that girl. He will get irritated if you will always bring it up to him. When he said he doesnt like her anymore, believe him! Besides, if he really like her, he is with her now not with you.

Been there.. my ex dumped me because of my jealousy issues..

[alwayseve]

Thanks for the advice.
Indeed... he already even talked to the girl about my jealousy... (it's awkward in many ways).

I'm doing my best to believe him and trust him more. Thank you

[TheEvilJester]

He talked to her about your jealousy? Why would he do that? I mean, I'm thinking his heart was probably in the right place, but that shouldn't be something he needed to share with her. I mean, unless maybe there were things SHE was doing that was sort of borderline crossing the line. Then, yeah, he should talk to her about dialing it back. It sounds, though, like it was just things he was doing that were sort of along the border of what may or may not be appropriate. So, really, the better thing would have been for him to just sort of silently dictate the pace with this female friend.

Well, regardless what is done is done. Hopefully she understood, and there should be no reason she wouldn't. If she's a good person, then perhaps good will come out of that anyway in that she'll sort of become your ally in making sure the two of them don't cross any boundaries into anything that would make you feel uncomfortable.

I also definitely agree with lei-faith. If you at all can, try to become her friend as well. I mean, not that you two have to hang out like you are BFFs (unless you actually do happen to hit it off enough and want to anyway), but just become friends with her just as you would any of his other friends. That would also certainly help because you will know her better and hopefully know that she can be trusted.