Hola senors y senoras. So whatever this is I'm feeling has been months in the making, and its gotten to the boiling point. I feel like I'm imploding. I was with a girl for about a year, things were great, if not a little clingy. We had our issues like any couple, but for the first time in my dating life those issues didn't shadow the good we had together.
We were together for about 7 months when I had to make a move for myself and move about 300 km south. I had these plans in the works since before we were together, and I told her when things began getting serious that I would be moving that August (2014). We carried on, and it was amazing. We chose to stay together when I left, because 300 km really isn't that bad – see each other on weekends, etc. It was okay for a few months, but when I went home for Christmas, it felt like the relationship was heavily strained.
She had asked me about a month before the holidays what I thought of moving in together down south. I was terrified. I'm 26 now and was 25 at that time. Maybe it shouldn't have been such a big deal, but I was so scared to make that kind of decision. I put it off and put it off until she began losing it. I could see a change in her persona – no more happy go lucky, it was all stress and strife, despite her attempts to hide it. This began wearing on me, as I could see scars she had given herself on her arm, and she refused to eat anything. I felt like I was ruining this girl because of my indecision. I began seeing her as an emotional albatross of sorts. A girl that needed constant validation from someone who truthfully had huge problems keeping himself together (me).
I went back south after the holidays, and at the end of January I decided I needed to end it. I was getting frustrated trying to pull her back to reality, and she was so hurt that I couldn't make up my mind, and the fact that I may not have wanted to live with her.
Now here we are 4 months later, after a break up that saw me coldly cut her out of my life. Something I regret enormously. I have been trying so hard every day since I broke up with her to keep myself composed, constantly telling myself I made the right decision. I can no longer keep it up. I want to speak with her so badly, but last time I tried (2.5 months ago) she told me she didn't want to speak.
I sent her an apology letter yesterday. The apology was for the way I behaved towards the end, and how cold I was during our break up. I am really scared of what will happen when that letter reaches her. I would love to try again with her, but am not trying to push for anything.
I truly am not sure why I posted this. I think I just needed to get it out.
If you have anything to say, any advice or criticism, please... tell me.
Thank you.