Any help and advice?

[beaty1994]

I’ve never seemed to had much success when it comes with girls. I’ve either went to fast or said the wrong thing at the wrong time or it just hadn’t worked out. Ive only had one girlfriend and it only lasted a few months.

I wanted to make everything perfect for her, she was really beautiful and I wanted to take care of her and love her like she deserved. I really liked her family and her friends. I remember once before we made it official, I met her after her works placement at the metro station and I had some flowers for her behind my back and showed them to her when she was walking across the street. I tried to make her laugh and basically act a little silly at times so she could laugh, she was friends with these 2 girls who were about 12 years old as one of them lived on the same street and one night we went to see their friends and I really tried to make an effort with them all to make them laugh, offered to buy them all sweets at the shop all because I wanted to make my girlfriend happy. I remember at her 18th party at the very end of the night I was quite drunk, but I was sitting next to her friend and I said “Im really happy you know” and I said “the reason why is because Brogan is happy” she was sitting next to her grandma and granddad looking through photos and it was one of the most beatifulest things ive ever seen. We got a picture that night in fancy dress hats and I got to keep that, I kept it on my bedsite table so I looked at it when I went to sleep at night and when I woke up in the morning. It came to about Christmas time and I asked her what she wanted and she said a nice meal so I saved a good £160 to take her to one of the finest restrunats in Newcastle, UK so we could have a nice time and she could have the most expersivest thing on the menu if she chose and a nice glass of wine to go with it. She didn’t want the wine but I told her how beautiful she was and how lucky I was to have her. We met her mum and dad before and her dads friends after the meal which tbh I wasn’t very happy with as I just wanted a nice quiet night. We got a taxi back to mine while I gave her some flowers and gave her a little kiss before getting a taxi to where she lived. We held hands in the taxi and when we got back she put a film on but fell asleep. I kissed her on the forehead and went to sleep. I kind of wanted just to have a nice cuddle, talk and a few nice kisses but anyway I didn’t mind, as long as she was happy.


When we woke up, she comeplty changed. I asked her if she slept well and all I got back was a blunt “yeah”, then after a while she said “Im going upstairs” again blunt, and I was like “ok darling” and when she was upstairs I could hear her laughing with her mum, and I remember lying in her bed thinking to myself what was the point in me taking her for a meal. I saved up a good amount of money to treat her, and she was just compeltly off with me. She came back down with her ipad, I asked her how her mum was and she was just like “fine”. I treid to take an interest with what she was doing on her ipad but then she suddenly said “im going for a shower”. She came back down from it and I said “how was your shower?” she didn’t reply. I just said “Im going”, gave her a cuddle no kiss and walked off. I came back on the metro feeling gutted. I felt so shit, I kept thinking what was the point. I didn’t text her all day, I thought she knows how I feel, and so she text me about 4pm asking me if I had a nice day. I was going to leave the entire night out and just forget it but I thought to myself hang on, Im hurt here. And so I told her how it made me feel and all she could really say was “it gets on my nerves when you say your upset all the time” and to be fair, she had a point. Like I say I wanted to give her the perfect relationship, and so if there was any time where I felt she wasn’t taking it seriously or she wasn’t bothered I would have a little quiet word when we went for a walk of how I felt as that’s what you do in a relationship in my opinion. If your upset, you talk to your partner and you work it out. But I don’t think she really listened.

Anyway we had a little argument, I was just like “well im only tell you how I feel, I saved up good money to treat you and Im just saying how you made me feel that’s all” and then I decided to say “listen sweetheart, Im sorry. Why don’t we just put what was said behind us, and I’ll pay for the cinema, you don’t have to buy me anything for Christmas”.- I initially asked for trainers for my Christmas from her but I realised it was a little selfish and I suggested seeing a movie but after how I knew how I made her feel I decided I didn’t want anything for Christmas, she was everything I needed. I thought everything was ok until the next time came and well…. We broke up. She sent me a big text saying that maybe I would be better off finding someone else who liked the same things as me. It drove me over the edge, I rang her and I was quite agressvie and I was just like why are you saying that, give one reason etc etc and I said I was sorry and I said to her that its all I ever wanted was a girlfriend, and I told her I loved her and that I would walk to the end of the world and do anything for her, I asked her if she still liked me and she said she didn’t know, and so I got aggressive again and said “so you don’t know if you still like me?” to which she repied “no” and I basically just said “I wish I never took you for that meal you…….” And I called her something that at the time I really really meant, but looking back regret. I admit I can have a reall bad agreesive temper on me which I admit isn’t the best quality a man should have but its just a lot of things have gotten to me and when you love someone so much and would do anything for them and they just turn and say they don’t know if they like you anymore really hurts, especially when you’ve done something nice for them.

After that I threw my phone on the floor smashing it to pieces, I felt a feeling where I just didn’t know what to do with myself. The day after I appoliged to brogan and I wanted to meet up with her so we could talk about it and hopefully try to get things back on track because I didn’t know how she felt until it was all too late and I knew it was something I could chance. I tried but she didn’t have it and I ended up kicking off with her again, I tried everything, I inboxed her mum, I said I would go to see councelling to control my anger so I wasn’t going to be angry towards her anymore, and I would be more liad back. She wouldn’t have it. It basically messed me up, the day before Christmas eve I got a message from her saying that I was ugly, that for chrismtas she was going to get me a penis enlargement and that all the flowers I brought her and the teddys were given to her dog and were shreaded, she told me she spent the night with a lovely gentelemen at a hotel and that I was pathetic basically.

The worst thing is, im sitting here typing all this up and Im thinking about just how much I still love her even though its been months since we spoke. Regardless of what she said to me, if she inboxed me I would reply and forgive. Sometimes I get really upset over it and I looked at a pic of her and her mum on facebook on her profile which I deleted her and I basically cried my eyes out for 20 mins without stopping once. After nights out I talk to myself and I tell myself that I miss her I say “I just want my brogan back, I miss my brogan” in a hope that she may just hear.

And to be honest I just do not know what to do with girls in general. Im one of these guys where I will literally do anything at all, and so when I speak to someone say they live a little futher away like an hour and a half or 2 hours on the train I would still travel to see them, however sometimes they don’t text me first or ring me and I ask me how Im doing and I just think whats the point.

I looked at this girls instragram page today that I used to talk to but don’t anymore since she never text me first or anything and I just thought forget it and I saw a pic of a male model and she wrote “perfect” or something like that and sometimes I do wonder if it is my looks that hold me back. I know its something that shouldn’t matter however if Im truthful in myself, when I look at a girl the first thing I think is “am I attracted to this girl” I think its it the clothes I wear etc because if Im honest I don’t understand how it can be anything else, Ill be honest Im not mr perfect but ill always ask a girl how she is and hows her day been, did she sleep well etc not as a conversation starter but I generally do mean what I say, I want to know how her day is or how she slept or how shes feeling because if she said that she wasn’t feeling too good, or her day was a bit bad then I would try and help if I could, even if it was just by making her laugh.

So now Im basically trying to “reinvent” myself, I want to have a complete change of clothes, go to the gym get a good body etc and its something I know I shouldn’t have to do and no one should ever have to change themselves for anyone however I want to do it to see if that is the problem, I mean I don’t know, what do you guys think? Was I in the right or wrong with my ex, is there something maybe ive missed out? Is my way of thinking maybe not quite right?


Sorry for the really long post guys, just I wanted to get everything off my chest and get some opinions on it.

By the way I am 20 years old coming 21 – might make a difference so just thought I would mention it!

Thank you

[basilandthyme]

Beaty, I feel like there's a whole chunk of information missing between you not wanting to see her family that night and her being cold to you the next morning. What happened that evening to make her go cold towards you? How did you try and address how she was feeling? I also note that you made her coldness all about you and your feelings and didn't mention anything about you trying to address the reasons she was cold in the first place.

I'm not sure where you're going wrong, but I wonder if you're a little *too* attentive. It's unrealistic to try and make everything perfect for a partner. It's also not sustainable in the long term! You will also find that independent women don't want a guy who will look after them. They want a guy who can respect the fact that they can look after themselves.

The meal you paid for sounds lovely. However, I would caution you against saving up for a really expensive meal or event if you're going to resent paying for it if things go bad. Better to keep things within easy affordability. And if finances are tight, it's perfectly OK for her to shout a meal or event in turn.

I agree that we shouldn't have to change ourselves to get a partner. That being said, we should be the best we can be and I'm glad to hear that you're addressing your anger issues. Trying to improve things where we see fault in ourselves is a good thing. Likewise, if we keep making the same mistakes with new partners, trying to change and not make those mistakes again is good.