Boyfriend picks fights and won't accept apologies

[simonehayes]

Hey everyone! I've been seeing a guy off an on for over a year now. He's a wonderful person, very sweet, intelligent, funny, etc. He also can be incredibly difficult. We come from very different backgrounds and he had a VERY rough upbringing and has experienced a lot of trauma :/ I think this is why he sometimes acts in ways I have trouble understanding.
Things have been going well with us, but today we had an issue.

His birthday is in a few days, and he's going out of town for the weekend. He'll be back the day after his birthday. I want to celebrate with him and mentioned it a few times but he always blew it off, like "no I don't want anything, etc." I planned on taking him out to lunch and getting him a card/balloon anyway. However, I figured we would do it next week, cuz he was really busy this week. I didn't think I would see him at all this week but at the last minute we were able to meet up for an hour before work today (he leaves town tomorrow morning).

We went shopping so he could buy some things for his trip. I pointed out a pair of sleep shorts I thought were cute and he said to go ahead and grab them and he'd buy them. At first I said "oh no it's ok I don't need them!" but he motioned for me to grab them so I just did it. While checking out he teased me about them being $10 and I said "oh no I'm sorry!" but joked around with him, but then he said something like "Happy birthday to me..." after we checked out. For the remainder of hanging out (only about 15 minutes) he was totally distant and said his stomach hurt.

I texted him later and said thanks for hanging out and for the sleep shorts, and hoped he felt better. He just responded "no prob". I also asked if he likes birthday cake because I thought it would be cute to get him a personalized cake. He said no, that his birthday was over after this week, and "all of his friends" had celebrated with him before he left town. I thought, hmm seems like he is very passive-aggresively trying to tell me that he's annoyed! I told him I'd like to celebrate with him next week when we had more than just one hour. He basically said he doesn't want to celebrate with me and "it doesn't matter". I said, it does matter and I'm sorry we didn't have time this week, I was hoping to plan something for next week. He kept acting like he didn't care (but also did NOT want to celebrate with me), and finally sent me a long text saying that he thought it was weird that he bought something for me "on his birthday" and weird that I accepted, and weird that I didn't offer to buy him something in return (on his "birthday"!) And that I always "take take take", something he has noticed about me, but that "it's cool". I tried to apologize and say I didn't realize and I'll try to be more mindful in the future and I hope we can still celebrate but he just was not having it. We ended by wishing each other a good day but I can tell he's unhappy and I don't know where we stand.

I have a few problems with this...
1. It's not his birthday, his birthday is in 3 days. It's completely reasonable to celebrate a couple days after your birthday rather than a couple days before!
2. He always pays for everything. When I try to pay he says "don't be ridiculous" or that he is "traditional". Sometimes I'll jump in before him to pay. I don't necessarily like being paid for all the time but he seems to like it that way so I just try to be appreciative and treat him when I can. But, bottom line: you should not offer to pay for something if you don't really want to, or if you are expecting something in return!!
3. I understand being upset if you're expecting someone to do something for your birthday and you end up disappointed. But I wish he would tell me that he's disappointed and hear out my apology and explanation. Instead, he acts like he "doesn't care", but points out this flaw of mine (that I "take take take"???) that he won't accept an apology for. It's like he's already given up on me.

This "thing" that he does...where he creates an argument but won't tell me his true feelings and won't accept an apology, is a thing he's done quite a few times in the past. It's like, I can kind of see where he might be hurt...but I also didn't do anything wrong, except maybe for failing to communicate more clearly that I planned on celebrating next week. But he always will point out something that he doesn't like about me (I'm kind of hypocritical, I take take take, etc etc) and acts like it's just who I am. Like I can't apologize or change it, in his eyes.

I think he uses this to either push me away or test how much I care about him. Instead of "Simone disappointed me today but I'll talk it out with her. I'd like to tell her how I'm feeling and receive an apology" it's "Simone is ___ and that's fine but just not really something I'm into. Maybe she's not that great of a person and I should pull back from the relationship."

In my mind this is totally unfair. I try so hard to be a good person and show him that I care for him. When he does something that bothers me, I tell him straight up he hurt my feelings and why, and he is always cool about it and apologizes. I trust that he will listen to my feelings and that he most likely didn't realize what he did was hurtful. I don't understand why he can't show that trust for me.

Any advice??? A coworker pointed out that birthdays might be a sensitive time for him, which would make sense, but he hasn't ever opened up to me about it.

[basilandthyme]

I could be totally out of line here, but it sounds a lot like he doesn't like or respect you and is trying to pick fights. I mean, that thing about "don't be ridiculous" when you try to pay is patronising and extremely offensive. He obviously has no idea that women are equals these days! His behaviour about his birthday was a total dickhead move.

I know you love him, but can you imagine yourself dealing with this type of behaviour for the rest of your life?

[simonehayes]

I'm actually not offended by the paying. I know he knows that I can pay on my own and would happily do so, I guess it just makes him feel good to pay for me? However, him randomly throwing that back in my face because it was "his birthday" (in 3 days...) is unacceptable!
I can't imagine dealing with it for the rest of my life haha and I know that I won't. I don't necessarily see this as a long term thing, as much as I love him, unless he is able to grow up! He doesn't do stuff like this often but when he does I can tell he's going through a hard time or having some feelings he can't admit. Like, birthdays might be weird for him but he won't say so. And he's not able to just say, "It hurt my feelings that you didn't celebrate my birthday with me this week." So it's a maturity thing, I think.

He texted last night and said "I don't want you to feel bad. I just wanted to let you know what was on my mind."
There are many better and more mature ways he could have let me know what was on his mind LOL!

Thank you for your response! At some point I think I am going to sit down and talk with him about this and explain that his behavior wasn't okay to me and I wish he'd handled it differently. Or else he'll never know!