We Had a Long Talk

[ALovelyLady86]

Lately I've been asking myself what is missing with Chris and I. Somehow we "just know" when something is wrong dont we?

When it comes to a relationship, he and I get along great, we are comfortable with one another, we understand each other, we are like best friends.

Those last 5 words are what made me realize that something is missing.

In the past year and a half, he has never looked at me with loving eyes. He has never been romantic. He has never been emotional.

Last night I decided to make him talk to me. Asking him to talk just doesnt work. I needed to make it a relaxing atmosphere with no distractions for him to change the subject. It worked well. We talked for about 4 hours straight.

I let him know that I was here for him, that I would listen if he wanted to talk to me, that he is a wonderful person and that he needs to be happy. I know at this point hes not a happy person. I let him know I care for him, and that no matter what happened with us I would be here for him because the way he feels matters more than anything at this point. I believe he needs a friend more than a girlfriend.
This is when he tells me about his past. He told me that 8 of his best friends when he was in high school committed suicide, and that his first love tore his heart out. He admitted that hes never felt that way about any other girl. That he was in love with her, and ever since her he hasnt wanted to open up in fear of someone hurting him again. He admitted that he didnt love his ex wife, that he didnt love any of his ex girlfriends, and he admitted that he wasnt in love with me.
It hurt to hear it of course, but I knew all along that was the case. It was more a sigh of relief for me, and I was happy he was comfortable enough with me to tell me these things. Thats all I've ever wanted was him to be comfortable with me and know I'm here to listen. He needs it.
I held him, and held his hands, and kissed his forehead, and told him he was deeply cared for.
I told him that things happen, really bad things happen. I let him know that I could definately relate. I've had a few friends die of course, not only that but an abusive mother to go along with it. I also let him know that I know what its like to have a first love who doesnt love you back. He is my first love.
I told him that he needs to realize that unless he can let go of the grudge he has for her, that he will never have a successful relationship with a girl. He will never be happy. I told him I know that its easier said than done, but nothing is ever easy when it comes to these things. I told him it was like alcoholism...you know you have to quit, and it wont be easy, but you have to do it for yourself.
Finally 2am rolled around, we got quiet, and we both layed down. I held him while he slept and he held me. It was nice to get things out in the open.

[Tone]

Deep stuff... and yeah it sucks but at least he was open and honest with you about it. He should feel lucky he has someone (you) to help him go through this, going through things by yourself can be pretty hard, if you aren't really really strong, emotionally. Most the time just having someone there to listen to you and pour out your emotions to can help more than you would think.

Best of luck, if it's meant to be it will work itself out.

[COAD]

I am sorry to hear that he doesent love you, but Im very glad to hear that you two actually talked and straightened alot of stuff out.

Good Luck!

[ALovelyLady86]

The way he feels is more important to me than anything else. He needs a friend just as much as I do and thats what I'm going to offer him. I really have an unconditional love for him and maybe someday he will see it If not thats okay and it was definately worth the time.

[shh!]

The way he feels is more important to me than anything else.

That is a very psychologically unhealthy thing to say.

[ALovelyLady86]

I would feel wrong to say that he were more important than God, but his feelings are extremely important to me because I like to see him happy.

[Sami09]

I feel its really good you had the talk with him i know in a way its really hurtful some of the stuff he said . But its better know the truth now then 5 yrs down the road he is openin up to you and that is really important. Just continue communicating with him and listen to him.

Lately I've been asking myself what is missing with Chris and I. Somehow we "just know" when something is wrong dont we?

When it comes to a relationship, he and I get along great, we are comfortable with one another, we understand each other, we are like best friends.

Those last 5 words are what made me realize that something is missing.

In the past year and a half, he has never looked at me with loving eyes. He has never been romantic. He has never been emotional.

Last night I decided to make him talk to me. Asking him to talk just doesnt work. I needed to make it a relaxing atmosphere with no distractions for him to change the subject. It worked well. We talked for about 4 hours straight.

I let him know that I was here for him, that I would listen if he wanted to talk to me, that he is a wonderful person and that he needs to be happy. I know at this point hes not a happy person. I let him know I care for him, and that no matter what happened with us I would be here for him because the way he feels matters more than anything at this point. I believe he needs a friend more than a girlfriend.
This is when he tells me about his past. He told me that 8 of his best friends when he was in high school committed suicide, and that his first love tore his heart out. He admitted that hes never felt that way about any other girl. That he was in love with her, and ever since her he hasnt wanted to open up in fear of someone hurting him again. He admitted that he didnt love his ex wife, that he didnt love any of his ex girlfriends, and he admitted that he wasnt in love with me.
It hurt to hear it of course, but I knew all along that was the case. It was more a sigh of relief for me, and I was happy he was comfortable enough with me to tell me these things. Thats all I've ever wanted was him to be comfortable with me and know I'm here to listen. He needs it.
I held him, and held his hands, and kissed his forehead, and told him he was deeply cared for.
I told him that things happen, really bad things happen. I let him know that I could definately relate. I've had a few friends die of course, not only that but an abusive mother to go along with it. I also let him know that I know what its like to have a first love who doesnt love you back. He is my first love.
I told him that he needs to realize that unless he can let go of the grudge he has for her, that he will never have a successful relationship with a girl. He will never be happy. I told him I know that its easier said than done, but nothing is ever easy when it comes to these things. I told him it was like alcoholism...you know you have to quit, and it wont be easy, but you have to do it for yourself.
Finally 2am rolled around, we got quiet, and we both layed down. I held him while he slept and he held me. It was nice to get things out in the open.

[mhussain]

LovelyLady ...

i hope that he realises one day that u R a lovely lady

Hussain

"What value of a good woman, for her price is far beyond rubies"- Torah

[bluesummer]

I have to commend you for having such a mature reaction to his explanation of his feelings. Most girls would freak out and scream and cry "You don't love me???" and wallow in their own self pity. I'm glad to see you taking his feelings into perspective too.

Good luck. Whatever way it goes in the end will be for the best...trust in that.....

[ALovelyLady86]

Oh hes certainly worth the time. I would feel like a fool to start crying over that. Theyre his feelings and he deserves the respect. Reguardless of what does happen in the future, I'm going to be there for him if he needs it. He needs to know someone is there and wont leave. Sometimes you just have to put 110% into something to make up for what theyre missing. He's worth it

[Cybog]

Ok. Come on. 8 of his friends committed suicide in High School?

I barely HAD 8 close friends in High School. Well, at least 8 people who I really would have given a shit if they did this.

8 people committing suicide over the course of 4 yours very close to you is pretty godamn hard to swallow.

I'm not saying that I am calling him a liar. I am saying that the likelihood of this happening and us not seeing a Lifetime movie based on the bizarre surroundings of its events is pretty unlikely. Hell, at least a little CNN coverage. That's a little hard to believe. I've heard of guys doing the "sympathy" lie, but this is pretty outrageous.

Am I the only one who sees this? Maybe it's my cold blood and Iron heart talking to me again. But I'm calling foul.

[shh!]

You aren't the only one who saw it, but then again, I have been suspicious about the amount of truth in several of these posts.

[misombra]

i'm giving it two weeks before cybog is on this girls' ignore list.

considering he stays around long enough. you better stay cybog!

[Tone]

Ok. Come on. 8 of his friends committed suicide in High School?

I barely HAD 8 close friends in High School. Well, at least 8 people who I really would have given a shit if they did this.

8 people committing suicide over the course of 4 yours very close to you is pretty godamn hard to swallow.

I'm not saying that I am calling him a liar. I am saying that the likelihood of this happening and us not seeing a Lifetime movie based on the bizarre surroundings of its events is pretty unlikely. Hell, at least a little CNN coverage. That's a little hard to believe. I've heard of guys doing the "sympathy" lie, but this is pretty outrageous.

Am I the only one who sees this? Maybe it's my cold blood and Iron heart talking to me again. But I'm calling foul.

Yeah I also was saying to myself "Umm... suuuuuuuure..." when I read that. :x

[ALovelyLady86]

Well see it doesnt matter what you think... I've had 4 friends die in high school, none by suicide, but lets just put it this way he didnt hang out with the best crowd lol. Besides, some people committ suicide in groups. Remember that religion where all the people committed suicide with Nike shoes on because they thought that was how to get into heaven?
Whether or not you believe that is not the issue, thats not even what this post is about. So can I please get some real responses instead of ones saying how rediculous all of this is?