It keeps affecting me

[Ellis1989]

Dear all,

I'd like to share my story for advice, a bird-view and just to release my thougts. I am so done with feeling pain.

In februari 2014 I met Jay. It was amazing, from the first moment we saw each other. I never had this before and I can say, I have some experience in relationships.
We dated for 6 months. It was amazing: we laughed, the sex was great and he was fully into me.
One day we were laying in bed. I don't know how the conversation started, but it came to the point if we were in a relationship or not. I thought we were, but he said: no we are not in a relationship, we have fun, that's all.
I was heartbroken. I left, felt horrible, heartbroken and used by the man I thought he was 'the one'.

1 week later he called me: he missed me and wanted to continue dating. I agreed.

2 months passed by (total 8 months), I was happy with him, but also a bit insecure. He told me he liked me, but he didn't know what he wanted.
The insecurity got worser and I needed clarification. I was madly in love. I asked him the next: all or nothing. The answer was nothing. I left in tears.

1 month later he called again: he missed me and wanted to meet up. As heartbroken and miserable I was, I agreed again. We had a great evening. But my heart broke when he said he slept already 'casually' with someone else. I asked me to stay over that night, but I took the taxi.
He didn't really contacted me after.

In December he sended me a long e-mail. He told me how much he missed the fun times. I told him I couldn't meet him: I was still in pain, I thought of him all the time and I just couldn't be friends with him. I asked him not to contact me. Everytime he did, I felt worser than before.
Because the point: the whole time he contacts me, he is sweet, charming and.. acting like he is into me.

I saw him by accident in february. He was sweet and charming again and overloaded me with messages, to leave me alone again after a few days texing me.

I was dissapointed, again. I told him to never contact me again. I explained all the feelings I felt and that I had difficulty to get over it.

I saw him again, by accident, one month ago. I don't know why, but I cried. I just couldn't help it. It was the most amazing 8 months of my life, and they were gone, distroyed and lost. I removed him after that from facebook. Facebook is just facebook, but my oh my, it's may (more then a year ago since I met him) and still.. I can't keep him out of my head.

I met a great man recently, who likes me and is really good to me. But I can't open up myself somehow to anyone.

I still love Jay and i'm affraid i always will. We are NC and.... you know what I'm gonna say. And still....... how can I forget Jay? I want to forget him so badly. But all the things he said, it feels so confusing. He was talking about a future with me. He said he had fear of connection, he said he never felt the way he felt for me, and the cruel thing is: the last time he saw me (one month ago) he said 'i will miss you when i'm with a boring girlfriend on the couch in the future'. Like, how can someone say that? After months of feeling heartbroken and still feeling sick of it? Is this a sick twisting game? I want to be confident, I want to think: just f off, but I can't. I just f can't. I think of him every moment, every day. I'm a sweet girl and I don't look bad, Jay is quiet arrogant and i'm sure he will not find a girl like me. This sounds stupid, but well....... it's what i think, or maybe just hope he will find that out one day.

I'm tired of this pain and putting my life and feelings on hold. I want to move on so badly for such a long time.

Maybe you have any advice? I will print it out.. to remind myself.

Love, Ellis

(i will post this as well in 'advice from a guy' if you guys don't mind)

[basilandthyme]

Jay is quite arrogant you say? How about completely arrogant and selfish! Only cares about his own needs! Sweetie, this guy will go after what he wants without caring how it affects others.

Ellis, you need to start with a bit of introspection. Start out by questioning why you'd love a guy who only wants to use you as a casual sex buddy.

It will take time, but please, start to look at this mess without those rose coloured glasses

[juraiknight]

I agree with basilandthyme. Ya gotta look out for yourself, and it seems like you kept going back to this shitty situation as a quick fix for something that is a deeper problem on a personal level. Maybe, since you've never felt it before, you're in love with being in love with this guy, and so you feel like you can't move on. You will though, trust me. From the sounds of it, this guy saw that in you and threw you through the ringer, which sucks. I myself have been on the receiving end of that, and I know it's no fun. Just remember, it will always get worse before it gets better, but you have to push through that. There is greener grass on the other side, but first I think you need to spend time on yourself to digest what just happened, and why it happened, and how you will prevent it from happening again.

[Wakeup]

I'll just repeat what I told you in your duplicate thread:

You've not gotten over him yet because you dwell in your obsession of him instead of doing the mental work you should do to get over him and to the stage of indifference to him.

Here is how you will stop hurting and actually be open in mind and heart to be with someone new and not use them as a human bandaid to help you stop hurting. (don't be using men to get over some self-interested douche bag)

Stop clinging to your hope and dreams and wishes that he'd suddenly change and want you in a monogamous and committed manner. You always take him back so he always contacts you when it suits him and then you willingly lay with him once again which brings out your lust and infatuation to the point that you're addicted to the experience once again.

You need to take him down off the admiration platform you currently have him on. He is a self-serving player and opportunist who played on your vulnerability and addiction to him EVEN after knowing that you loved him when he did not love you. He would make a lousy LIFEmate. He's too selfish and self-important to give up his ability to take advantage of willing, low self-esteemed women who let men who have clearly told them that he doesn't want what they want but he'll keep taking as long as you're giving.

You aren't over him at all simply because you haven't accepted the truth. You haven't forgiven yourself for your own culpability in this and you've not done the mental work you need to do to stop dwelling in your thoughts of him. Once you start purposely changing the subject of him from your thoughts when he pops into your mind, once you accept he's never been a good man or partner, once you rehab from your sexual addiction to him, once you go cold turkey withdrawl by blocking and deleting him and so you don't anticipate his contact.. You will be on your way to that blissful stage of indifference to him.

Start by realizing he would never have been a decent good man to you. Decent and good men don't keep coming back to take advantage of women they know are in love with them when they don't love them back.

- - - Updated - - -

P.S. Even when he contacted you he told you "he missed the fun times" but he NEVER asked you to be in a monogamous committed relationship with you, did he?

Forgive yourself for taking him back in the same manner that you parted in. If you learn from this then you'll also heal much quicker because you'll stop viewing yourself as a victim and rather take responsibility for what you allowed.

You'll be fine, once you accept the truth of the matter.

[Ellis1989]

Thank you so much for the honest and clear answers. It truely helps me and you are all right in your point of view.
I know I should stop blame myself and remove that 'romantic' picture out of my head. Thank you, really. I will print this out and read it when I feel - once again - shit.

You guys are great. Bless you.