Hasn't got time for a relationship

[tyau10]

Hey everyone just need your advice.

We've been together for several months right now and everything was going great until she started her new job. Date nights were curtailed and then family/friend commitments got in the way as her time dwindled.

Then three weeks ago my girlfriend sent me this long text...

Hi. been on a course today, not had any free time. I'm really sorry, i wanted to talk to you face to face but I can't see you for another week and it's not fair on you to not let you know what I'm thinking. I haven't been feeling like my heart is fully us recently. With me being so busy because of my job I don't have the time to see you and it's not fair on either of us. Our relationship is based on text messages at the minute, its not natural. Things just get misconstrued. I get that this is my fault cause of my schedule but there's nothing I can do about that.You know what I think about saying things like this over text but I can't carry on pretending like everything's okay. I've been trying to sort myself out for the past few weeks and it's causing me too much stress trying to please everyone. I'm really sorry but I just don't know what else to do.

I knew there was something wrong and told her that. I also said I'd like to fight for our relationship. However, she told me she doesn't have time for a relationship and she's not happy being in a relationship where she cant see me. I worked out we'd get one day together in a month due to her new job and my hours.

I offered her an out though asking if it wasn't for time would she still want to be in a relationship. Her answer..."I wouldn't have been in one in the first place if I didn't want to be- I'm not happy in the current situation"

I must admit it was confusing so we text some more and she said... "It's nothing to do with us as people and it's nothing you've done or said, nothing's broken it's just I don't have time. Something's changed and it's not the same as it was. My job isn't just a job at work, it's at home for the next six months,I can't make it work for me and I'm not happy. I'm not happy because I'm trying to please everyone, when I'm busy you get annoyed and I can't deal with that on topof everything else. Right now I want space, I need time to myself to think about what I want.

I ended by saying take the time an space you need and she agreed to meet up in person to talk about it, I also asked her not to make a rash decision to which she said "This isn't rash I've been thinking this for two weeks. It's just how I feel right now"

I waited 10 days then waited outside her work to talk to her (I know this was a mistake but I was not in a good place) and then sent her a message the other day asking how she was and if we could meet up to talk about us, and if it was over if we could end on good terms rather than a text. I've heard no reply.

I'm just confused as a month before that text she told me she'd never looked at another guy with me and that she'd never done that before. What I fear is that I scared her when I was drunk and told her I loved her about 2 weeks before she sent that message. I'm also worried because her ex cheated on her and she admitted she often puts her defences up with guys.

I just don't know what to do. Should I wait a few more weeks before getting back in contact or should I just say it's over even though I adore her to bits and her friends and family before that happened said she'd never been so happy?

Is she just scared to tell me it's over, does she know what she wants or is she scared of commitment...I'm just lost.

Thank you in advance

[TheEvilJester]

I know this is easier said than done. You two had what you thought was a good thing, and yet she can just cast that aside like it meant nothing. A few qualifying questions I'd like to ask...

Why exactly was it so difficult for you two to get time for each other? Do you live very far apart? Are your schedules actually that radically different? I only ask because my first instinct is to say that if she is not making the effort to make time for you, then she doesn't deserve you in the first place. I mean, you even said she had family and friend commitments that got in the way. So, do you mean to tell us she had time for friends and family, but not you? Don't get me wrong. Friends and family are important, and should get some of your time, but your significant other should be your priority, at least if it has become a serious relationship.

So, honestly my guy instinct is to say that her excuses are nothing but bull crap and you deserve better. .....BUT.... sometimes people actually DO have situations where they literally don't have a lot of time where they actually can get together. IF it actually just so happens that you two have schedules that are so radically separate that you are so rarely able to get together then, sure, maybe things truly ARE otherwise awesome between you two, but you just aren't able to see each other often enough.

Honestly, though.... Let's pretend the best-case scenario for a second here and imagine that IS the case. She DOES really want to spend as much time with you as possible, but you two literally cannot because of differing schedules, geographical distance, etc. To be honest, then unless something can change, breaking up is really in your best interest... both of you really. Even if it is otherwise a great relationship, you still need to actually be able to be together, or at least have some conceivable timeframe within which that will cease to be such a problem.

On the other hand, if she easily COULD have made time for you, but simply didn't, then she obviously hasn't been treating you as the priority you deserve to be to your significant other. Don't waste your time on somebody who can't be bothered to give you any of theirs. You deserve better than that. Anybody would.

Trust me, I think we can all understand how hard it is to decide that and move on. You really liked this gal and thought there could be something real there. That is a wonderful feeling to have, and a really hard feeling to give up. But, you deserve better and you certainly shouldn't go chasing after somebody who HAD YOU in the first place and didn't even appreciate you then. What is going to change that if you actually did succeed in getting her back? How long until she'd just become disinterested again?

My personal advice would be to leave her and go no contact. Move on. Take some time to re-learn how to just be happy being you. Then, when you feel ready, get back out there and find somebody who will appreciate you, and actually want to treat you like a priority. If she wants you back, let it be HER burden to have to win YOU back. Let it be her burden to come to you. Though, frankly even if she did I don't think I'd recommend you give her that chance.

Good luck to you, friend.

[tyau10]

I know this is easier said than done. You two had what you thought was a good thing, and yet she can just cast that aside like it meant nothing. A few qualifying questions I'd like to ask...

Why exactly was it so difficult for you two to get time for each other? Do you live very far apart? Are your schedules actually that radically different? I only ask because my first instinct is to say that if she is not making the effort to make time for you, then she doesn't deserve you in the first place. I mean, you even said she had family and friend commitments that got in the way. So, do you mean to tell us she had time for friends and family, but not you? Don't get me wrong. Friends and family are important, and should get some of your time, but your significant other should be your priority, at least if it has become a serious relationship.

So, honestly my guy instinct is to say that her excuses are nothing but bull crap and you deserve better. .....BUT.... sometimes people actually DO have situations where they literally don't have a lot of time where they actually can get together. IF it actually just so happens that you two have schedules that are so radically separate that you are so rarely able to get together then, sure, maybe things truly ARE otherwise awesome between you two, but you just aren't able to see each other often enough.

Honestly, though.... Let's pretend the best-case scenario for a second here and imagine that IS the case. She DOES really want to spend as much time with you as possible, but you two literally cannot because of differing schedules, geographical distance, etc. To be honest, then unless something can change, breaking up is really in your best interest... both of you really. Even if it is otherwise a great relationship, you still need to actually be able to be together, or at least have some conceivable timeframe within which that will cease to be such a problem.

On the other hand, if she easily COULD have made time for you, but simply didn't, then she obviously hasn't been treating you as the priority you deserve to be to your significant other. Don't waste your time on somebody who can't be bothered to give you any of theirs. You deserve better than that. Anybody would.

Trust me, I think we can all understand how hard it is to decide that and move on. You really liked this gal and thought there could be something real there. That is a wonderful feeling to have, and a really hard feeling to give up. But, you deserve better and you certainly shouldn't go chasing after somebody who HAD YOU in the first place and didn't even appreciate you then. What is going to change that if you actually did succeed in getting her back? How long until she'd just become disinterested again?

My personal advice would be to leave her and go no contact. Move on. Take some time to re-learn how to just be happy being you. Then, when you feel ready, get back out there and find somebody who will appreciate you, and actually want to treat you like a priority. If she wants you back, let it be HER burden to have to win YOU back. Let it be her burden to come to you. Though, frankly even if she did I don't think I'd recommend you give her that chance.

Good luck to you, friend.

The prior commitments were booked holidays for best friend and sisters birthdays before we got together so planned for nearly a year! Her mums birthday too. I understood that but was disappointed she could fit in more time for me - in the few weeks prior I did keep asking when she was free and making suggestions - not sure if I came off too needy but to see your gf for 2 hours in 3/4 weeks it's pathetic. I said to my friend that if there is a will there is a way but when I met her old uni friends they said that she had a problem splitting her time between home friendship groups and family in the past and that she never really did relationships because of her ex's... We live fairly close and work similar hours but she does 6 days a week and has to do work at home so I understand the stress but all I wanted was one evening a week.

my worry is she is scared of commitment which would be a shame because up until her new job we were going so well.

[SueNami]

A lot of women, me included, have trouble balancing work/relationships. When she said she cant tolerate you getting upset because she has no time (forget exact words, sorry) it rang true to me. I've been there before. But honestly.... the guy I was there with was not someone I was super into.

Interesting thing is I'm currently working out of state. I'm dating a guy ad we haven't been able to see each other much. I slept at his place which meant 1 1/2 hour commute to my job this morning. I was happy to do it to spend time with him. I am facing a potential move because of my job that would put us 7 or 8 hours apart. His comment? 'i love roadtrips!'

Bottom line...you are right...where there's a will there's a way. I don't think she has the will though.

If she didn't fall in love with you your comment may have made the whole thing a bit surreal for her.

You can continue to support her from a distance, tell her you want her happy...but I wouldn't expect too much. Sorry.

[basilandthyme]

I have to echo SueNami's comments. She could make time if she really wanted to - but it would appear that she doesn't really want to.

I don't think she's scared to tell you that it's over - she DID tell you that it's over in no uncertain terms. Your confusion stems from the fact that you asked to meet her in a couple of weeks and she agreed. But I saw nothing in there which makes me think she sees this as a temporary break.

So sorry x

[Vw_beetle]

Hi. When I read your post the first that crossed my mind was that she's done with you but she doesn't know how to tell you so she's just using the I don't have time excuse. I'm very sorry.

[Wakeup]

Once you realize that you are better off without someone who can't/won't make time for you the better you will feel, you'll move on and you'll actually be open in heart and mind to pursue others and then find someone who wants what you want.

Don't bother with her anymore. No Contact is the way to rehab from your addiction to having her in your life (in whatever capacity).

[IndiReloaded]

Even the busiest executives make time for their families.. if they want to.

[TheEvilJester]

Everybody did a great job of summing up my giant novel of an answer much more succinctly. LOL! I do have the tendency to be very verbose. I don't know why, but I can't seem to help myself. A writer at heart, I suppose.

Bottom line, though, we all seem to be saying the same general thing. Quite frankly, if she's "just not that into you" or just legitimately doesn't have the time to commit to a relationship right now, that is 100% fine and understandable. She just shouldn't have strung you along in the first place. Apparently you two were serious enough for you to refer to her as your "girlfriend" not "this girl I'm dating." For it to have gotten that serious in the first place, I still personally think it is wrong that she could put in such little effort, and then cast that aside so easily.

But, hey..... at least she did you a favor by breaking it off now rather than dragging it out any longer. Find yourself a gal who can get her priorities straight, and/or who is at a point in her life where she has time to actually commit her full heart to a relationship. Good luck.