overreacting??

[MoonJen]

I suffer from social anxiety and lately I haven't slept well so today I slept through my alarm and didn't go to work so my boyfriend told me I should try harder and I don't mind that but later he said "either way I love you, even if you're that dumb" my parents always call me stupid and so he knows how it makes me feel. So I made a big deal about it and said "you sound like my parents.. if I want to help you do something I'd be supportive and understanding not making you feel bad for it" and instead of owning up to his crap he gets mad and says
"Why the **** are you gonna compare me to your parents! For one little shit. In case you didn't know I was joking and I made that very clear. You sure know how to make someone's day a lot worse. Thanks!" He's been sick and throwing up since last night and he went to work like that but that isn't my fault and I don't think he should lash out on ne like that and cuss at me too I could of taken a different approach but I didn't. I just wrote back "really? Wow" I wanted to say other things but I feel it would of made things worse.. Am I overeating or is he? Or are we both wrong? I don't know how I should go about this I'm really hurt and I want to just talk back to him like he did to me ....

[basilandthyme]

Hi MoonJen, I think you're focusing on the wrong issue here. To me, the stand out issue is that you suffer social anxiety and have sleep issues which are causing you to miss work. How are you addressing this?

Anyway, you're both wrong about the 'dumb' comment. No, he shouldn't have said it. But the way you approached it, all full of finger pointing and blame completely exacerbated the situation. Given that he was ill and you went feral with your response, it's no surprise that he came back all guns blazing.

If someone says something which bothers you, try addressing it with "when I get called 'dumb' it really hurts me". Odds on, if you'd taken this approach, he would have apologised immediately and hopefully not called you that again.

I suggest you tell him that the comment hurt but acknowledge your part in making the situation far worse than it should have been.

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Here's a link about "I statements". You'll find it's a great way to discuss issues without putting the other person on the defensive http://www.compassioncoach.com/how_and_when_to_use_i_statements

[MoonJen]

I'm trying to find an affordable therapist but its hard... But yeah I do need help with that. Thank you I will try and take a different approach next time cause you are right. He hasn't tried talking to me so he still must be upset I'll give him time. Thanks for the link as well

[basilandthyme]

I'd approach him with something like "The 'dumb' comment really hurt me. But I reacted poorly and I'm so sorry for that" and see what he says.

Does your workplace have any therapy options?

[MoonJen]

So I should talk to him first?
No my work doesn't but I'm looking through my Medical Insurance. :-/

[basilandthyme]

Well, I guess the two of you could stay in a stand off and see who breaks first, but I don't see that as a great way of helping the relationship.

It's not like you're letting him off the hook for what he said. The approach needs to be that you were upset and acted poorly and are sorry for that. You regret not taking a more constructive approach in addressing the issue. This won't take away from the fact that he hurt you in the first place.

[MoonJen]

So he was really upset with me and he blocked me on the app where we talked but I was able to talk to him now and he says he forgave me but he's still acting upset and he hasn't apologized for what he did and I told him he hurt me with that comment and he just ignored that... So now idk how to go about it

[basilandthyme]

You told him that the comment hurt. Did you also tell him that you reacted badly and you regret it? Did you tell him that you acknowledge your part in this fight?

If you did say all that and he's the type to hold a grudge like this - you will probably be better off without him. Can you imagine being married to or sharing a house with a man who can't let go of anger?

Dating is about finding out how a person works and figuring out if they are suitable for the long haul. There's no sense staying with a boyfriend who is showing signs of being unsuitable.