Should I keep trying?

[lionheart153]

So I met this girl on-line about 2 weeks ago, we chatted and hit it off and she gave me her number. at first she was defiantly interested and we arranged a time to hang out, we went for coffee and ended up chatting for hours, it wasn't until about 6 hours later did we realize it was that long. I said good bye and tried to kiss her, and she stopped me and just said "not yet" but she did not pull away. I respected her wishes and left it at that.

I had so much fun with her that we just kept texting each other after and for days after, then I asked her to go to dinner with me about 2 days after our first meeting which she agreed. Then things started to go strange:
First, meeting her for dinner, her sister was stalking us, being nosy and trying to figure out who I was, she told me and eventually i ended up meeting her sister. It was awkward, and she invited her sister to join us for dinner, but her sister and friends refused the offer. I wasn't very comfortable because they kept peering and it made the dinner quite awkward but I tried to brush it off. After we went for a cruise and we just talked. I may have gotten over excited and just asked what she is hoping to gain from this meeting as she never claimed we were on dates, but that it is just meetings. Her answer was not sure, saying she needs time and wants to get to know me more, fair enough. After I dropped her off we still continued to talk. but now my insecurities start to creep in.

I haven't been interested in a girl for a while and my last relationship hurt me pretty bad. So when i meet a girl I am genuinely interested in, I seem to be unable to keep my cool. I start overthinking about why she takes so long to text, and all the usual in secure things. I've been able to balance it out a bit finally.

The other night we were texting, we didn't text the whole day really until right before going to bed. I asked her if she would like to hang out again because she doesn't classify what we did as dating, because she thinks dating only counts if you are a couple (ie bf and gf). She replied with "depends when" (I am aware I should have set a day for it) but I confirmed with her that she would be down to hang out again, just to know when. I have a fairly busy schedule this whole weekend so I did not have a set date for this hang out so I told her that I just wanted to know that she is down to hang out again. and she replied with "yes. just to be clear yes to hanging out. Not anything else. Yet" (that was a paraphrase of the conversation). I tried to probe her about it and she kept saying "NVM" so then I made a joke that she liked me. And she answered with "what? that's not what I meant at all" I recovered from that but then just thought oh hell might as well dive in and asked her if she didn't like me?

She answered with "do you mean like like you? cause I'm not sure about the like like yet"

I probed deeper and she was honest with me and wasn't afraid to tell me what was on her mind, she kept saying "I just don't know yet, I don't like rushing into things, I'm unsure about how i feel like I don't know how I feel at all. its kinda hard, I usually rush into everything and I've had negative consequences because of it, so I'm taking it slow for my own sake. I'm not all that special, I've never been treated well by a guy, and I feel strange about it. I'm gonna have to wait and think about it some more. It's not you at all just so you know.
Finally I asked if there was someone else and she said no, just dealing with her own insecurities. kinda a whole new experience.

Now our talks since then has been more normal, just chatting, me being cheesy and making her laugh but we dont text as often, and she doesnt start the day with a snap chat like she used to.

I'm scared of being hurt because I am starting to like this girl, and I cant tell where she is. If should give up and move on, or try and see where it goes. And if it is the latter, what should I do? I seem to overthink things and just mess it up. When I meet girls that I am not that into and like me, it seems so simple, but with a girl like this I seem to go all derpy.

And help would be great. Thank you

[basilandthyme]

Oh goodness - you are very intense! What you need to do is chill out and just see where it goes. Stop probing and let the conversation progress naturally.

I know you want to know where this is going. I know you don't want to invest emotionally in case you get hurt. But there are no guarantees when dating. We can and do get confused and hurt. The best way I found to protect myself is to use self talk of "this is going so well - but it's early days and I won't let myself get too emotionally invested until it's clear what we're about. But for now, I will enjoy what we've got"

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest, I think the issue here is with both of you. One, I do think you are being overly eager. Trust me, I mean absolutely no judgment in that. I do the same thing to myself, and I hate myself for it, but guys like us can't help it. I think it is good that you realize this about yourself, and try to do your best to stifle it. You've obviously failed to keep it in a bit here, but hopefully you can use that as a learning experience for the future.

You strike me as the type of guy who struggles with that sort of thing. I can relate because I can't help but feel things too intensely sometimes. Unfortunately, it is a life-long struggle of which we will probably never be 100% free. The good news is, you can learn to balance it a little better. For lack of a better description, you kind of learn to "let your crazy out" a little bit to yourself so you can avoid doing it so much to the object of your attention.

Now, on the other hand, unless I am just misinterpreting, it almost sounds like this gal was all up your arse in trying to scream "I'M NOT READY TO DEFINE THIS YET" even before you sort of became over-eager. In fact, it almost sounds like that may be part of what set you off in the first place. If I am correct, my reaction would kind of be what the heck is wrong with this gal? Unless I am misinterpreting, I think she is just as much to blame because she is being blatantly and obviously under-eager.

I'd almost consider it insulting that she feels the need to make it so abundantly clear that she doesn't want to define things yet. Maybe that just has to do with you going for the kiss already on the first date. Especially since just a chit chat over coffee isn't even really a first date, per se, but more just a quick meet-up to see if you have possible chemistry. That, I would definitely say was a mis-read and a mistake on your part. Live and learn. Still, if she's that worried about not defining things yet, then maybe she should just move on and let you free to pursue somebody else.

I'd almost find it insulting that she keeps needing to throw it in my face that she's not ready to define things.

So, I do think this is sort of two-fold. You should better balance out yourself so you aren't quite being so over-eager. Yet, at the same time, she's not really helping you any by being so deliberate about her uncertainty. That just makes you even more insecure and gets you worried that something is wrong when maybe things actually would be great if you'd both just give each other that chance.

You can't control her, so all you can do is try to improve your own situation. Dial it back a little and realize that if you two are meant to be, it will happen in due time. You don't need to feel like you have to rush it. Please be careful, though. All the same, you don't want to get too relaxed and be too patient. If it gets to a point where it feels like you've been together a while, been on several dates, and she's still throwing it in your face that she doesn't want to define things yet, then I think it is time for you to just move on. You don't want to let anybody string you along for too long without knowing that you are both heading in the same direction.

Good luck to you, friend. I know your struggle. It is never easy, but it is a battle worth fighting. It's a difficult balance for fellas like us. You don't want to be over-eager and scare people away, but you don't want to care too little either and shut down.