Is he a good friend?

[Knoxane]

So heres the thing..

I have been friends with this guy John for 7 years, we have always just been friends but he has always had a crush on me. We are very open and I have made it clear we are just friends and will always be. Anyways this friend has always been there for me and helps me out whenever I need to, he has been very kind, and also lives in another state so we communicate by phone, but lately I feel like he has been very critical of people and relationships even though he has never been in one relationship himself.

Now a few years ago I dated this guy Dave, and I fell in love with him but the whole relationship was very unhealthy and emotionally/verbally abusive. After a year of dating Dave I decided it was time to move on and I broke up with him. The whole relationship put a strain on my friend John and I's friendship to the point where we almost stopped being friends. John thought I was stupid to be with Dave and would get mad that I wouldn't leave him and after the break up said me staying in the relationship was just me being lazy and stupid. Unfortunately after six months I went back to Dave and we ended up dating for another two years almost, but I never told John that I was with Dave again for fear of judgement. I finally left Dave for good six months ago with support of friends and family but anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows how hard it can be when you finally break free. I have been doing well and I am happy again.

Now John and I have always been close and I want to be honest with him and tell him but...every time we have touched the subject of unhealthy relationships John shows no understanding. He keeps mentioning that people get into bad relationships because they choose to be stupid, ignorant and lazy. I mention to him that its not the case and it can happen to anyone, but he thinks that not true. Him constantly talking badly about relationships and things of that sort make me declined to tell him anything and I have distanced myself from him and no longer even tell him about anything relationships because I dont feel like being judged or criticized. We also have talked about how John can be very critical at times and he agrees but he never changes.

At this point I wonder is John a true friend? I also dont know how to approach the situation. I dont think its fair for me to have to open up to someone about something that was very painful in my life if I will only receive judgement. What do you guys think?

[Wakeup]

So heres the thing..

I have been friends with this guy John for 7 years, we have always just been friends but he has always had a crush on me. We are very open and I have made it clear we are just friends and will always be. Anyways this friend has always been there for me and helps me out whenever I need to, he has been very kind, and also lives in another state so we communicate by phone, but lately I feel like he has been very critical of people and relationships even though he has never been in one relationship himself.

How could he possibly be free enough in heart and mind in order to be in a relationship when he's been your faithful Labrador retriever all these years. How nice of you to allow him "to be there for you" whenever you needed him though. I suppose being able to be your white knight would be awesome for someone with WK syndrome.

Now a few years ago I dated this guy Dave, and I fell in love with him but the whole relationship was very unhealthy and emotionally/verbally abusive. After a year of dating Dave I decided it was time to move on and I broke up with him. The whole relationship put a strain on my friend John and I's friendship to the point where we almost stopped being friends.

I wish for John's emotional well being, you had stopped being friends.

John thought I was stupid to be with Dave and would get mad that I wouldn't leave him and after the break up said me staying in the relationship was just me being lazy and stupid. Unfortunately after six months I went back to Dave and we ended up dating for another two years almost, but I never told John that I was with Dave again for fear of judgement.

Well, John was wrong there. You're not "stupid" for going back to someone who you admit to being unhealthy and abusive but rather you're "codependent, lack self esteem, typical "bad boy" lover while a good guy gets to be your emotional tampon, though. Too bad John didn't see that more clearly and distanced himself from you so that you could actually get the strength to leave your piss poor relationship and not go back to it.

I finally left Dave for good six months ago with support of friends and family but anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows how hard it can be when you finally break free. I have been doing well and I am happy again.

It's been six month since you left him. Have you had any counselling during that period so that you work on your codependency, lack of personal boundaries, low self esteem? If you haven't then you are very vulnerable and will likely go back to the bad boy or... find someone else just like him.

Now John and I have always been close and I want to be honest with him and tell him but...every time we have touched the subject of unhealthy relationships John shows no understanding. He keeps mentioning that people get into bad relationships because they choose to be stupid, ignorant and lazy. I mention to him that its not the case and it can happen to anyone,

Yes, but those that do not have the issue that you have wouldn't stay anymore then abuse incident No. 2 after talking to them about abuse incident No. 1, that that type of behaviour will not be tolerated again and if it is, you'll be outta there like white on rice.

but he thinks that not true. Him constantly talking badly about relationships and things of that sort make me declined to tell him anything and I have distanced myself from him and no longer even tell him about anything relationships because I dont feel like being judged or criticized.

John is lucky then that you have chose not to use him as your emotional tampon. If he wasn't "stupid" he'd have ended your friendship the minute he knew that you didn't like him the way he like(d) you.

We also have talked about how John can be very critical at times and he agrees but he never changes.

I suspect he's not very "critical" to people who learn a lesson and actually take responsibility for themselves and what they've chosen to be a mistake, worked on themselves and have worked to over-come what he is critical about.

At this point I wonder is John a true friend?

You don't realize it yet because of those issues you have but John is probable more of a friend then anyone who enables your positive, self-reinforcement that abusive relationships "could happen to anyone" and that going back to an abuser is "okay" and not "stupid."

I also dont know how to approach the situation. I dont think its fair for me to have to open up to someone about something that was very painful in my life if I will only receive judgement. What do you guys think?

I think you should let John go. Stop using him as your emotional catch all and then when he doesn't give you the answer(s) you want to hear you get all bent out of shape about it.

John's not the one at fault here. If you're going to ask for advise then be prepared the hear something other then what you've been telling yourself to justify. Work on you now and let the friendship fade. Its important that you hone your personal boundaries so that you don't let men abuse you again. A personal boundary you can enforce with John is that you don't want him volunteering his opinion. However, that doesn't mean that he should withhold what he actually thinks if you request his opinion. You might want to consider what he's been telling you only subtract the word "stupid and lazy" and replace them with "lacking in love of self" or "without good personal boundaries" or "codependent" even.

Here's a link on the importance of personal boundaries and one on "codependency." There are several more on each subject if you google and are at least interested in knowing how to over-come some of your issues (as it appears).

[url=http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html]Healthy Personal Boundaries & How to Establish Them[/url]

[url=http://www.amazon.com/New-Codependency-Guidance-Todays-Generation/dp/1439101922]The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation: Melody Beattie: 9781439101926: Amazon.com: Books[/url]

[basilandthyme]

First of all, he was never a "friend". Sure, you'd like to believe he was a friend, but the reality was that he was a guy who loved you but couldn't have you.

I don't agree with John that people get into bad relationships because they are stupid, lazy or ignorant. I will say that they get into them because they lack boundaries and self esteem. However, I also disagree with your assertion that it can happen to anyone. Let me tell you, many people have the self worth required to walk away soon after they see red flags.

You're wrong to criticise him for expressing an opinion. If you tell someone about your woes, it does invite comment. It's not wrong for a friend to tell you that you're making crap decisions. Sometimes we need friends who will point out the bleeding obvious. If you don't want feedback, then don't share the problem.

[Wakeup]

Yew Hooooo ... anybody there? *bump*

[TheEvilJester]

Let me ask you this.... has John been dating other women as far as you know? Because, from your story, my instincts are telling me he still has a crush on you, he still likes you as more than a friend, and even though you've made your intentions very clear, he is still sticking around hoping something will someday change your mind.

I could be wrong. There ARE guys out there who are perfectly capable of flipping that switch and just being a friend, and there ARE guys out there who actually genuinely want to be there for their friends, male or female. Personally, I fall into both categories.

So, I hate to judge so harshly, but it doesn't sound to me like that is the case with him. It sounds like he is still nursing his crush on you, and it sounds like he may very well be putting his own life on hold, whether he realizes it or not, waiting around for you. Don't get me wrong. I understand that it stinks if you'd have to lose a good friend. The thing is, if he cannot separate his feelings for you, accept that it isn't in the cards, and truly move on, then you are not doing him any favors by remaining his friend.

If you truly care about him, you may have to do the difficult thing for his own good. Hopefully, with some distance and time, he can move on and you two can be friends again. It just isn't right for him to put his life on hold when you've made it clear you only think of him as a friend.

Frankly, we could all be wrong. Maybe he truly has moved on and IS just your friend. We can't know that because we aren't you and we aren't him.

I will say this....

I disagree with him that people are "stupid" or "weak" for ending up in a bad relationship. It happens to the best of us. Even the worst of bad relationships usually don't start off that way. In fact, more often than not, they are good enough to make us settle into them before they become bad. Then, it becomes harder to admit to yourself that it is time to end things.

....All the same, going back to a bad relationship IS very foolish. I wouldn't say you are "stupid" or "weak" for doing it, but it is not a very wise decision. More like the decision was "stupid" or you had a moment of weakness. That happens to a lot of people as well, returning to a relationship they KNOW they shouldn't. You're not alone in that one. Still, I hope that now you have learned to care enough about yourself not to keep making the same mistakes.