So, the history between me and this girl (call her Jane), was that for half of last year until November, we were friends with benefits. It ended because I got feelings and she stopped seeing me in a sexual way, so it ended. I felt horrific, really shitty, but I got over it until about a month or so ago. She's always been one of my closest friends, we've always looked out for each other and been there, me more so than her because she isn't the 'feelings' type of girl. Also worth saying that she says she has no sexual feelings towards me and it's only gonna be friends, I'm pretty sure that's how she sees it. Also also, she's pretty infatuated with this guy she's been sleeping with since November time, I see them going out pretty sharpish.
Started talking to another girl, that went on in a semi-relationship way before I got a 'Feelings have changed' text out of the blue and that was over. During the time of talking to her, I started to get feelings for Jane again. I told her them a couple weeks ago and she was very surprised, however we kept on being really close friends and she left it in my court.
Last forward to Saturday night. We go on a night out to town, just us two. I'll be staying over at hers the night. Told myself I wouldn't try anything. So night goes on, we both have copious amounts of pre drinks, we're both pretty wasted by early morning. Couple of times through the nights, she gets with guys and the usual type of stuff. We dance, she teases me, we get with each other for a decent time then she laughs it off.
By this time, we're both hammered and wanting to go home, it's like 4am and we've both got work in the morning. So we get in, chill for a bit, she has a smoke. Get undressed and get into bed. We've both done this before, slept in same bed naked and nothing has gone on, we just both sleep naked naturally anyway so that never changed from the time we were actually having sex.
Fast forward half an hour, I'm caressing her inner thigh while she's laid there (awake) and keeping herself entertained. Skipping the details, we have sex a couple times then pass out. I remember waking up later in the night and trying something again, but when I realized she was half asleep I went back to bed. Wake up in morning, both have terrible headaches. She can't remember a thing from last night, I can remember everything more or less. I don't tell her what happened throughout the night as considering the state she was in in regards to hangover, it wouldn't have helped.
We're chatting through the day, I mention we got with each other and joke about some stuff, then an hour later I get a text from her asking if we had sex, told her yes we did, then she says how I took advantage of her being drunk. I know when I'm sober that when she is drunk, she's extremely easy, however I would never, ever ever take advantage of anyone, even less so my closest friend. I want to say categorically that was not my thought process, at the time we were both really up for it and extremely hammered.
For the past day and today, I've been feeling absolutely shitty, like worst of the worst, since objectively speaking, I did take advantage of her and I'm no difference from the rest of the guys that do that to girls and that feeling is abhorrent to me, I despise myself for not realizing before. I don't know if she'll forgive me for it, I think she might and I desperately hope she does, but the problem is I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself for it. She told me how shitty it made her feel and she hates people saying sorry, but I can't help it.
We've had arguments and fallouts before, but they've never had the risk of ending our friendship before. I really don't want to lose her, I still really like her, maybe love her a bit, I wish I didn't because it'd make my life a hell of a lot easier.
tl;dr Slept with my closest friend on a really drunken night out, feels and seems like I took advantage, desperately don't want to lose her but I can't stop thinking about it.
Help anyone?