Flirtatious co workers

[anna182]

Hi,

I've been in a relationship with my BF for 6 years. He's not the most social person, usually preferring to stay home and watch TV/a movie. We may go out for lunch occasionally, but this is rare. I on the other had used to be quite social, but over the last few years my social life has slowed right down. I see my close girlfriends when I can, but most of them live a few hours away from me now.

So a few months ago I went out for a few drinks with a male co worker (other female/male colleagues were there also), I invited my BF to come out too, he didn't want to but still made a little bit of a deal about me "going out drinking with another guy". Normally when there's situations like that I just won't go out, but I was feeling so bored and cramped in my life that I went out anyway. I ended up going out for drinks a couple more times this this co worker, I'll call him *Sam, and we always had a lot of fun around each other. Sam can be quite a flirt/very friendly as well, and last time I saw him because I'd had a few drinks I flirted a little bit with him. He started texting me a lot, kinda flirty but what I would call harmless, and even invited me on a trip overseas with just him ( I said no, that would be way too inappropriate). I wasn't exactly attracted to him but I think because of the attention I got I may have developed a little crush on him.

So here's the problem: I heard on the grapevine that he's having a "thing" ie, seeing someone (it was less than a week ago that he was flirting with me and said I should travel with him), and I'm feeling so jealous! He's stopped contacting me as well. The rational part of me is just saying it's so STUPID, because I have a loving boyfriend (I haven't told him any of this) who I have a future with, but I feel like I've been betrayed and thrown away, even though all I wanted from Sam was friendship. I also feel like I'm in a funk, I just can't shake this bad mood that this situation has caused and I don't know what to do.

Has anyone else had anything similar happen to them or have any constructive advice about how to handle this situation?

[basilandthyme]

It's time to take a long hard look at your relationship. Starting to get feelings for someone else usually happens if things aren't so great at home.

You've got a partner who won't socialise and who tries to stop you from going out socialising with others. No wonder you're in a funk. What else is going on in your relationship? Give us the pros and cons.

[anna182]

Our relationship has been up and down for the last maybe 3 years, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a rollercoaster ride. And I knew before starting this list that there would be a lot more cons than pros

Pros:
He's supportive of everything I do (well, maybe except socialising with other people)

He's loving

Makes it clear I'm the love of his life

Is open-minded

We have shared goals to work on (buy another investment property, get a pool, have kids)

Cons:
He's been out of work for a while and is having trouble finding work and is not as ambitious as me. I feel a lot of pressure financially. I think this may have contributed to having a slight crush on my work colleague, who is a professional, sociable, intelligent and ambitious

I feel like there's no sense of adventure; if we do anything (holidays, buying property, trips away, dinner etc) I have to organise absolutely everything or it just won't get done, he can be very relaxed/blasé

Sometimes I feel trapped, because I don't want us to break up, but negative aspects of the relationship don't change no matter what I do/say

There's no sense of adventure. If we do anything together, like holidays, trips away, even dinner I have to organise everything. I got sick of it so now we don't do anything very often

Due to depression, he can spend days at a time on the couch, barely talking to me or acknowledging me. He says it's just how he deals with depression and shrugs it off if I get upset about it. I also get frustrated because if I'm feeling down I deal with it completely differently, such as exercise, working, distractions etc

The last time I was in a relationship and had feelings for someone else I broke up with them pretty much straight away because I knew it meant something was broken. I don't think it's so simple in this case though because despite the list of cons I don't want to leave, we are very close and I don't think I could handle the heartache

[basilandthyme]

Okie doke. His depression could be key to a lot of this. The not wanting to go out, lack of motivation, lack of ambition. To be clear, clinical depression is not like "feeling down". Instead, it's an like enormous weight which is impossible to lift. Even if he goes out and socialises or exercises, his brain will still be broken and depressed. And he won't enjoy the activity anyway.

Which is where treating the depression comes in. When in a relationship, we owe it to ourselves and to our partner to be emotionally healthy. Has he sought professional help? If so, what kind of treatment is he seeking? Meds? Therapy? A depressed partner needs support, but the onus is on them to go and do something about it. Also, he's currently not the right type of person to choose as a potential father to your children.

If he won't seek treatment, then you really have to reconsider the relationship. And be honest with him if it comes to this! Living with a depressed partner is not only isolating and hard work, but you can get sucked down into the mire if you're not careful.

[anna182]

He hasn't sought help for his depression while I've been in a relationship. He was brought up not to talk about his feelings. I think I've known from early on in the relationship that he's probable not right for me, and can see that the 'cons' are quite heavy compared to the 'pros' I listed.

Because I care about him I don't think I could leave him because/while he's down and out, even though things aren't likely to change quickly or soon (he's only just started to focus on some things that need to change, like trying a bit harder to look for work) . The other thing is I'm in my early 30's and want kids, I feel like if we broke up (which wouldn't happen anyway because I'm pretty much his whole support system now) I would be too old to find someone new, I don't want to be hitting 40 and struggling to have kids because I'm too old and left it too late.

I've had feelings for other people while I've been in this relationship (always someone from work), but they were usually people I barely spoke to or spent any time with so I never felt like things were getting out of control or like there was a problem, just like it was a harmless crush, like I admired some good qualities about them. But this time I got a bit more caught up emotionally

[basilandthyme]

Yep, he's an Aussie bloke - of course he doesn't talk about his feelings. But at the very least, he could look at meds.

I can hear your biological clock ticking from here, but do you realise that you're viewing him more as a sperm donor than a great father and partner?

[anna182]

Haha yes the clock is ticking! I guess things aren't always so black and white in relationships. Sometimes I feel like I have the best relationship possible and other times I feel like running away from it all (which I know won't help). He is a nice guy though, I think I should just remind myself of that when I start thinking the grass is greener on the other side (I can see the guy from work being a player from a mile away!). Most of my friends also say that they're jealous about the way my BF treats me, and feel that their bf's aren't as attentive/chivalrous

[TheEvilJester]

It is a tricky situation. It can be hard for people to understand if they have never experienced it, but depression really can make it virtually impossible for you to see through the stormy clouds to any light on the other side. The more you let it, the easier it becomes to just believe there is no hope. I am not your boyfriend, nor do I know him, so I cannot say how deep and how bad his depression actually is. If it is bad enough that he cannot fight it alone, then he needs to care enough about himself (and about you) to get help.

You are right to be reluctant to leave him because of his depression..... HOWEVER just because he is depressed, and losing you could make that worse, that does NOT mean that you should just be stuck. You can do whatever you possibly can to help, but that has to have a limit. When it comes right down to it, if he is not going to help himself, you can't let him drag you down with him.

To be perfectly honest with you, I normally wouldn't have been terribly sympathetic with you for having feelings for somebody else while in a relationship. This is a little different, though. I can understand. Your current relationship is mostly bringing you bad feelings instead of good feelings. It can be hard not to notice other people at a time like that. Bottom line, though, unless and until you end your relationship, you should never pursue another or even flirt outside of your relationship. Some people think a little "innocent flirting" is okay, but I personally don't think there is any such thing as "innocent" flirting when one or both parties are already in a relationship.

You are noble to want to stick around and try to help him. Hopefully he can get the help he needs and pull himself out of this funk. If not, though, or if he refuses even to fight for himself, there needs to come a time when you care enough about yourself to realize you deserve to be happy. If it can't be with him, that is a shame, but it just means there will be somebody else out there.

Trust me on this too, I know how you feel in thinking it almost feels "too late" to start over again. I'm almost telling myself this just as much as I am telling you, but it is NEVER too late. Frankly, if this guy is only dragging you down, then you are better off alone even than you are with him. Some day you will find the guy you are meant to be with who will make you very happy. Maybe that actually will wind up being him, but please don't just settle for the guy who is around right now for fear of never finding the right one. He is out there and he will find you. God forbid, even if he didn't, you'd be better off by yourself than in a relationship that just drags you down.

Good luck.

[anna182]

Thanks for the replies. It's good to get the perspectives of people who are completely neutral to the situation. I used to think that flirting with other people could be completely harmless, but given how it's made me feel about this situation I realise that it can actually be quite destructive in the long run. I think I'll try to keep my flirtiness in check from now on!

And I think the my relationship still has potential to change/improve so I'll keep working on it and pushing him to do something for myself, I don't think he would ever give up on me if it was in reverse.

[TheEvilJester]

Fair enough. That is very noble and admirable of you. I do only want to caution you to realize that there should still be a bottom line to that. Yes, if he is battling with a depression, that is not his fault and it can be very hard (it can feel downright impossible) to get oneself out of it. All the same, though, that is no excuse for giving up and simply refusing to do anything to better yourself. If he truly makes an effort to try to fight for himself (and, by extension, you and his other loved ones), then sticking with him is the right move. If he refuses to even show up to his own fight, so to speak, then there has to be a time when that is no longer okay.

Think of it like a drug addict or alcoholic. Addiction is a very real disease, and it isn't necessarily or completely the person's fault. When you get addicted, that too can be hard to kick. All the same, that doesn't mean you put up with an alcoholic loved one forever even if they refuse to get help. Then not only does it ruin your life, but it also enables them.

Anyway, I don't mean to go on and on. You are choosing to stick it out and be there to help him, and that makes you awesome. I hope he appreciates it, and takes your example. I hope he can see you fighting for him and it will help him to realize it is worth it to fight for himself. I only say all this because I hope you care enough about yourself to know that there has to be a bottom line where enough is enough. If he refuses to ever do anything to try to get better, you can't let it pull you down with him. Sometimes hitting a rock bottom is what people need to bounce back. Hopefully you leaving doesn't have to be his rock bottom, but it should always be an option. Plan Z, perhaps, but an option nonetheless.

I hope you never have to get to that point. Good luck to you.