Considering break up. 6 year R/S.

[Kiechi]

Hi all!

Well, it seems things have just gone that way. My GF and I have been together for 6 months. Ever since university. Since then, we've done everything together. One of the main strains at the start of the relationship was my abuse of weed. I was effectively a hardcore stoner. This wasn't too much of an issue at the start but as time went on, I realized I was using it to self medicate and it become a huge burden. I would often borrow money from her to fuel this addiction once I started running low (a lot of money). But due to a few unforeseen circumstances, I've managed to accrue this money back and more. So to a degree, the balance has been settled. Anyways, I was always somewhat a depressed/anxiety-ish kind of guy due to my upbringing. Parents were always arguing, using us as pawns in their arguments. One was an alcoholic and one was literally fresh off the boat, from a 3rd world company trying to cope with bringing up kids in a foreign country whilst dealing with a partner with alcohol drug problem (yadda yadda yadda). Now, all is well. He's off that shit and they are both doing very well financially. However, after years of smoking myself into oblivion, hiding from reality (whilst still being able to graduate from university and holding down a job) I decided to move abroad for a job and to leave that shit behind. My GF and I both moved abroad and things went sour quick. My W/D from weed has obviously effected my mental well being and I can be a dick alot of the time. My moods have been up and down but things are slowly getting better (it apparently takes 2 years for the post acute withdrawal symptoms to fully pass). I care for her deeply and am very protective of her, but she has changed (prob' as the result of my behavior over the years) and I've quickly realized (especially now no longer being under the influence of weed / tobacco and even coffee) that we aren't actually that compatible. We are both at that stage where deep down, we both know breaking up is the best thing to do, but because our life has been so intertwined for so many years, that it seems very hard to do. Especially as our families are very fond of us and our relationship. We are kinda' prodding and pushing each other so one of us finally snaps and makes that final move. Ideally, it would be nice for the relationship to continue and for it to be, the way it used to be. But I amidst all the lovey dovey bullshit, the shitty things you do to each other over the years leave scars and the fact that you love each other, just isn't enough to get over it. Those bad memories continued to linger, eventually infecting the relationship at present and then ultimately turning into a big steamy pile of shit. So that's where we are at the moment. I needed to get that off my chest... and to hear opinions of people in similar situations. Is it possible to make it work? Can people get over the past? or is it simply the case of "it is what it is". Shit happened and now this is the result. Look forward to any input!

(Hi Vashti and all other regulars if you come across this post!)

[Nicolelong]

Time always changes things, for better or for worse. Your relationship is never going to be the way it was before. You have been through more experiences together, you've fought and grown and shared together, and you are a different couple now than 6 years ago.

If you are truly at that point where you can't see a future nor a true reconciliation, don't let things get so run down between you that you end up hating each other. After 6 years, it would be nice to remain friendly afterwards, right?

It's time to truly communicate with each other and decide what path you are taking

[megvoh]

Is it 6 years or 6 months? Title says one and first sentence says another. I'll say 6 years.

If you want to save the relationship they go to some therapy together get the tools to save it and put in the hard work but if you think you just aren't right or grown apart or things have changed for the worse then move on while you still have some love left for the other.

You ever apologize for being a dick during your full on weed years with her?

[vashti]

Kiechi!!! I didn't know you were posting here... you should've messaged me on FB! I have been mostly off this site for a long time, but only yesterday stopped in. The old regulars are apparently gone, but there are a couple of good newbies - basilandthyme is really good, and even smackie (though I don't always agree with her) makes thoughtful observations. I hope they post for you.

Anyway, my old friend... you have made some big changes; that is what happens as you grow and mature, and your girl has, too. One of you cannot make changes without forcing the other to change, too. It could be that on some level, your girl NEEDED you to be the "stoner guy" in order to express the characteristics she needed to express when you first met. Now that you have moved on, her role has to change, and the road you are headed down may not be the one for her.

I don't know if this relationship can be saved; all I DO know is that neither of you has to be the bad guy just because you have outgrown one another.

PS _ for the benefit of other readers - his relationship has been 6 YEARS, not months. Wow, time flies!

[Kiechi]

Hi all, especially Vashti.

Yeah, this R/S isn't going to work. She has become vindictive. She has spent most of the week not speaking, locking herself away in the room. She started a huge argument about eating out yesterday which resulted in us shouting at eachother and her proceeding to hit me repeatedly. As she has control of the bank cards, she felt it was O.K this morning to just leave the house leaving me with nothing, with the intention to go out and do what she likes. I quickly stopped her at the door and told her to sort her fking attitude out and how dare she thinks it's O.K to go out unannounced and leave me indoors with jack shit. She then retorts with "well you fking went out earlier unannounced". I went to the store to buy in food for us both WHEN SHE WAS FKING ASLEEP! With only the change I had from going gym the evening before (5 USD?). I made myself boiled eggs (as per usual, boiling 3, 2 for me and 1 for her). She continues to eat and make herself other things and doesn't spare a thought if I want anything? She says she hates me deep inside but tries to make it out as if we are both like that, which is entirely untrue. I always try to mediate and apologise (more so for my heated response, as she mostly initiates these spats). She hardly EVER apologizes and would go days saying jack shit until I finally say something. It never lasts long, she eventually turns into an evil bitch and we both get nasty with words. So, after pulling her up regarding leaving me in on my own with no money, she insists we split the money and that I go fk off. I tell her shes a vile disgusting bitch with the way she acts and she no doubts always try to destroy whatever peace we (I) try to make. She says we need to stay away from eachother as she is afraid she will stab me. So I've just hid the knives so the crazy bit ch can't. Sigh. What makes this even harder is we are both in a foreign country, on the other side of the world completely isolated. Sigh, what a waste of 6 years.

[megvoh]

Wow, she seems to hate you more than love you. So, yes, break up.
It will only get worse has her resentment anger grows. If you think she could be angry enough to actually stab you, leave. Does she smoke pot too?

Sounds like things are getting very petty too. Why does she have control of the bank cards?

[starbar]

I think its time it ended too. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells around her and she is fully in control of finances etc which is wrong. You should not have to ask her for money. And it sounds like she starts a lot of arguments while you try to keep the piece (unless there is more to this?)

can you move back home?

[JP11]

Sounds like a bad toxic relationship at this point. If you want to spare the possibilty of friendship, end it quick. The longer the toxicity continues the worse it will get until one of you blows up and things really go sour.

On the other hand, maybe there is a chance, when she and you are in a decent mood, that you two could sit down and talk things out. Counciling may be worth it.

To me the first option sounds wise especially if you feel deep down that you both are just avoiding the break up but know it's inevitable. Hoping the best for you guys. Be strong.