How Can We Fix This?

[YoungnLearning]

I’m sorry to make this so long, but if anyone reads to the end…please give a little feedback on this…

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and this is my first serious relationship.
We met online and there was a lot of flirtatious talk, but it was just fun for me. he had just got out of a relationship and i was just figuring out what i wanted in terms of sex and relationships, but he kept insisting that we meet in real life so I finally agreed (we did not know what each other looked like before this).

He was not my type physically and I wasn’t really attracted to him, and I made it clear I didn’t want a relationship. We started having a purely sexual relationship but texted each other every day. 3 months in and he wanted a relationship and continued to bring it up. I was the first one to say I Love you because i did care about him, and I felt I should try not to be so shallow about who I gave myself to.

Fast forward to a year later, I moved to another country to study full-time and I also began working 30 hrs a week. I had less and less interest in being in a relationship, especially long distance and just felt like I wanted a break. He thought I was breaking up with him, started crying on the phone and eventually I gave in to him. But I kept pulling away and any free time I got, I spent on the computer, or reading. I should add that his childhood, his family, his current job, and past relationships seem to all contribute to him being very pessimistic, which I noticed more and more so I didn’t want to talk to him.

I wanted to break up with him, I started thinking…I’m so young, he’s not even my type, do I even want to marry him eventually, I have no time to be in a relationship and go to school and work.
3 months of feeling like this, and I made a really horrible decision…I cheated with someone I’d been talking to. he took it really hard, but didn’t break it off and wanted to work things out. I half wanted him to end it so I could be free, but I also felt bad for feeling that way and for cheating and then being the one to end it, so I said I would do better and apologised every day.

Now to present-day, and we are having communication issues. He has never been much of an in-depth talker unless it’s something he’s very interested in, which isn’t much. His most common response is “ok” which drives me crazy. Recently he has started not responding when I share links or music with him. when I prod further, he says it’s because he didn’t find it interesting or surprising. Today he admitted he thinks I talk too much, and go on and on about things he doesn’t like. I understand that, but he doesn’t have any suggestions about what we can talk about instead…i find it strange because he always says “I just want to talk to you”.

I send voice notes, but today he also admitted he finds them to be a waste of time and that mine are too long (3 to 8 mins), and that I should keep it under a minute. I feel like breaking up with him again, but I asked him to speak to his counselor or a close friend about what we are going through.

Any feedback would be really appreciated….

[TheEvilJester]

As much as I almost hate to say this, I voted for end the relationship. To be honest, from the story you shared, you two really just do not sound compatible. I mean, you yourself say you don't see yourself becoming serious with this guy or ever marrying him. What is the point of continuing the relationship? Now, it does sound like he has a few issues he may need to learn to deal with on his own (particularly, he sounds a little socially awkward, which is something that won't change unless he puts in effort to improve it), but overall he doesn't sound like such a bad guy. For the most part, it just sounds like you are two very different people.

Granted, two people don't have to be (and frankly shouldn't be) basically a clone of each other. You don't have to have EVERYTHING in common.... but you should at least have something in common. It sounds like you two really don't have much, if anything, in common at all. Heck, you don't even have similar philosophies on life and relationships. He wants something more serious with you, but then complains that your messages with him are too long. You can't have it both ways.

You would both be better off if you just end it. You deserve somebody who truly makes you feel in love, just as much as he deserves somebody who is crazy to be with him. He doesn't deserve to settle for somebody who doesn't really want to be with him, nor do you deserve to be stuck with somebody with whom you do not really want to be in a relationship.

Cheating was the wrong way to go about it for sure. You made a mistake and it sounds like you understand that was a mistake. But, I think it sounds like you definitely need to end this relationship to free you both up to pursue somebody who is a better match for you. That ultimately has to be your decision, but I think your heart is already telling you the answer to your own question.

[Nicolelong]

EvilJester nailed it. You two are so completely incompatible, in your lifestyles, personalities, goals, life outlook, etc etc etc. You have discrepancies in some pretty major departments, and I am very doubtful that therapy would do anything to fit this square peg into a round hole. It would be a waste of time, frankly.

Sometimes relationships just aren't meant to be, and there is nothing you can do to make it work. You struggle to see this because this is your first serious relationship.

You don't love him, you're not attracted to him, and you are looking for a way out of this relationship but feel too guilty to pull the trigger. You cheated as a way out, and it didn't work. You are going to have to be blunt.

Just break up with him for both of your sake's. The sooner the better. It won't be long before you look back and kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed. I think sometimes one of the reasons people are reluctant to break up with somebody is when they haven't really necessarily DONE anything, and there isn't necessarily anything wrong with them, but they just don't mesh well together. You almost feel bad ending a relationship with somebody who is otherwise a good person and hasn't really done anything to you, per se, to cause you to want to break up. I think that may be the case here.

The important distinction people need to realize is that just because two people may be good, decent people, it doesn't automatically mean they are a match. There may be nothing wrong with this fella, but if he just happens not to be the match for you, then it's just that.... he's not the right match for you. Nothing wrong with that. Don't worry about the possibility of finding yourself another good guy. Eventually you will find him, and he actually WILL be a good match for you. Honestly, though, even if you never did you are really better off in no relationship than you are stuck with somebody who is really not your match just because they are a "good guy." Anybody would be. Good luck to you.