Am I too naive in expectations from a relationship in my 30?

[Hispaniol]

I will start with a short introduction. I am 30, a guy that girls like a lot for dating. Good looking, smart, but not overly sexy to draw too much competition, make very good money and am quite generous. After a woman meets me 3-4 times, she usually falls in love. I had only one meaningful 7-year relationship with a girl, we even got married, but broke up. She was very nice but at some point both of us realized that in the long run we have no future. I knew it was a right thing to do but I was still quite upset, living a dream of a one long relationship. During these 7 years I obviously had multiple possibilities to have affairs but ignored them for the sake of the relationship. And I am not even sure I really wanted to have affairs with other girls so much.

After I broke up I met a girl of same age, which was a lot better from many angles. She was not that sexy type but probably the one I have always thought of being with. We have started a relationship, all went well until it came out she was in 5 other relationships for the whole of her adult life (by that I mean not having sex, but loving each other, living together etc). I obviously knew she had some life before me but I could not expect she was literally never alone – I can definitely understand 1 or 2 loves but how can you love all of them? I don’t know why but that CHANGED EVERYTHING. I still have some feelings for her, but I completely changed my behavior. While in the beginning, I treated her with all possible care like I did my previous girl, but after I found out some details, this was no longer the case. I think she is a kinda person that always needs to have someone close to her, she finds it difficult to be alone. Accordingly, she was not too much attentive in choosing her boyfriends. It is no surprise that she never succeeded with any of them (I think only one was kind of decent relationship with lasted for years, but I understand the guy was also concerned about the same thing as I am and ultimately found another girl).

So now I really do not know what to do. If you ask me, do I want to be with this girl, I would probably say maybe – she really loves me and cares about me. But I am not ready at all to do anything of what I got used to in a relationship. I am now more picky with gifts, I accept attention from other girls and I even went for a few dates when I had to spend a month in a different country. She seems to be fine with that (she says even my current attitude towards her is something she values a lot) generally, and it could probably continue this way. My problem is that I THINK THIS IS WRONG! I want not just another relationship, I want to treat my girl as a special one. I want not to think of other women. But this is not the case now.

We discussed this and she thinks it will go away over time and she can wait. On my side, I know that her story is none of my business, and I try not to take it seriously, but even after few months I occasionally think about this. And just to be clear, I really don’t care about the number of guys she slept with. I think a lot more about the fact that she gave her love to people that did not deserve her, the guys who just used her. At times I feel very sorry about her and I try to give her even more love. But at the same time, sometimes I still think about her past and that creates a big shade on my feelings for her. Besides, when I think about it, I feel it is all wrong and unfair. I studied hard, worked hard, while she was spending her youth for love, sex, entertainment. And now obviously she does not need any of that and is very happy to be with me and have a family. I always thought that I need to spend less time for that first because of study/work, then in respect of a girl I loved. And I previously thought of continuing that way, but now I think why should I? What for? For a girl that spent her entire life for giving love to other men?

So now I really don’t know what to do. Some people tell me I should just wait and with time I will not take it that seriously. Some people say I should just drop the girl and enjoy the part of life that I missed. Some suggest a combination of the two. What would you advise? Maybe I am still too naïve in my expectations from a relationship? Maybe every relationship would be like that now? Or she is just not my girl?

[starbar]

I think you got lucky finding someone at a young age who you loved enough to be with for a long time but some people struggle to find something real like that. she had more relationships than you that didn't work out but she was looking for something meaningfull. Its not like she was sleeping around with tons of different people.

I think you are being unfair to her and it is abusive to disrespect her and treat her differently because of her past. Everyone makes mistakes. You think its wrong she wasted time on men who treated her poorly but now you are being just as bad as those men judging her and disrespecting her. She doesn't deserve that

either get over it, commit and treat her with the love and respect she deserves or leave her. She has done nothing wrong

Many people suffer with low self esteem and end up staying with the wrong person for too long coz they think they cannot do any better. It is v common. You should be the person that helps her pick her self worth up off the floor and realize what love can be like.. not the person that only hurts and crushes her more

honestly quit being an a**hole

[basilandthyme]

You say that she loved 5 men before you. This is not a huge number for someone who's in their thirties. So, based on this alone, I see no warning signs.

However, some of the things you write are concerning - but I need more info before I jump to any conclusions. You talk of her living with men. I see defacto relationships as being a similar level of commitment to engagement or marriage, so I'm wondering how many of them she lived with and what the circumstances were. Did she take her time and just live with a couple of them? Or did she move in with any bloke after not knowing them long at all? I'd have no problem dating a man who had loved 5 women - but no way would I date a man who had been married 5 times. See the difference I'm getting at?

You say she was used by them all. Is this your interpretation of her previous relationships or hers? If it's your judgement, I'd suggest you stop it. If it's her judgement, I would be very wary. I wouldn't date a guy if he said that all his exes were bad. Either he's got really poor judgement or he can never see where he's played a role in a relationship breaking.

[Hispaniol]

You say that she loved 5 men before you. This is not a huge number for someone who's in their thirties. So, based on this alone, I see no warning signs.

However, some of the things you write are concerning - but I need more info before I jump to any conclusions. You talk of her living with men. I see defacto relationships as being a similar level of commitment to engagement or marriage, so I'm wondering how many of them she lived with and what the circumstances were. Did she take her time and just live with a couple of them? Or did she move in with any bloke after not knowing them long at all? I'd have no problem dating a man who had loved 5 women - but no way would I date a man who had been married 5 times. See the difference I'm getting at?

You say she was used by them all. Is this your interpretation of her previous relationships or hers? If it's your judgement, I'd suggest you stop it. If it's her judgement, I would be very wary. I wouldn't date a guy if he said that all his exes were bad. Either he's got really poor judgement or he can never see where he's played a role in a relationship breaking.

I have come to know this from various sources and I asked her some questions without going too much into details.

On the question whether these were serious affairs, she said yes. I asked whether she loved them she said she though so. I am not sure with how many she lived actually, at least two, as far as I know. But none of these were short-term hookups, I understand the shortest one was a year. So like you are saying, it is a mini-life if you want. So all the things that for me are special now, for her they are not special anymore.

What concerns me most is that I learned that she started at least 4 out of her 5 relationships very shortly after she broke up. This was the case when she was young, she did not change her habits until recent. I learned that she actually had a very romantic evening with a guy just 2-3 days before we met. When I faced it to her, she said it has always been a coincidence, she was not looking for anyone, blah-blah-blah. As I know her quite well now, I think she has clearly some problems with self-esteem and she literally accepted everything she was offered, never really made a choice of her own. She always needed someone to be next to her. When I asked her why she broke up with the guys, she said twice it was because of cheating, others were her choice - she realized after some time that these were not the right guys (I know some of them treated her badly, accusing of her past, further lowering her self-esteem).

So, bottom line - two real relationships 3+ years and both times she was dumped, others - wrong judgement.

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I think you got lucky finding someone at a young age who you loved enough to be with for a long time but some people struggle to find something real like that. she had more relationships than you that didn't work out but she was looking for something meaningfull. Its not like she was sleeping around with tons of different people.

I think you are being unfair to her and it is abusive to disrespect her and treat her differently because of her past. Everyone makes mistakes. You think its wrong she wasted time on men who treated her poorly but now you are being just as bad as those men judging her and disrespecting her. She doesn't deserve that

either get over it, commit and treat her with the love and respect she deserves or leave her. She has done nothing wrong

Many people suffer with low self esteem and end up staying with the wrong person for too long coz they think they cannot do any better. It is v common. You should be the person that helps her pick her self worth up off the floor and realize what love can be like.. not the person that only hurts and crushes her more

honestly quit being an a**hole

Thanks for your opinion.

So you think I should be Mother Teresa and just ignore that. This is what I am trying to do at times by the way.

But! Don't you think that for me it is quite difficult to live with all that? For me, relationship thing is still something new, I enjoyed dating her, some romantic stuff, first sex etc - for me it was special. Was it for her if she had that 5 times in her life? I think if you have a real thing with 5 guys, you will become cynical inevitably.

And. My friends say I deserve a better girl, same profile as mine, the one that studied well, got a good job, the one that did not waste too much of her feelings and emotions and is ready to share it with a right guy. I sort of see where they are coming from.

[dontaskme]

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And. My friends say I deserve a better girl, same profile as mine, the one that studied well, got a good job, the one that did not waste too much of her feelings and emotions and is ready to share it with a right guy. I sort of see where they are coming from.

So what the fukc is your problem then?! Go find someone like you and stop stringing the poor girl along and wasting her time with you. Let her find someone who isn't going to judge her for her past and crucifying her for having to have loved five different men till her 30's.

You don't love this woman because if you do this should be the least of your problems in a relationship. Your issue is not your expectations. You issue is YOU being inexperienced in relationships.

You will be doing her a great favor by letting her go to find a better man than you while you try your hands experiencing other relationships. My guess is, if you continue being the prick that you are, you will have to go through many more relationships than she did.

And btw, being good looking, smart and generous is not enough to sustain any relationship.

[basilandthyme]

So you think I should be Mother Teresa and just ignore that. This is what I am trying to do at times by the way.

But! Don't you think that for me it is quite difficult to live with all that? For me, relationship thing is still something new, I enjoyed dating her, some romantic stuff, first sex etc - for me it was special. Was it for her if she had that 5 times in her life? I think if you have a real thing with 5 guys, you will become cynical inevitably.

And. My friends say I deserve a better girl, same profile as mine, the one that studied well, got a good job, the one that did not waste too much of her feelings and emotions and is ready to share it with a right guy. I sort of see where they are coming from.

Nobody is perfect. Not even you. Frankly, this attitude here ^^^ makes you sound like a dick. You're so busy judging her that you don't realise that you're stringing her along while you make up your mind.

The girl you are dating sounds like she may have some low self esteem. By the age of 30, a girl with good esteem should be able to kick a guy who judges her history to the kerb. But instead, she's giving you the benefit of doubt. She's hoping that as you get to know her, you will realise that who we are today is a product of all the experiences we've learned from in the past.

And what's wrong with her having a date shortly before she met you?

She has my sympathy

[starbar]

Every time you fall in love is special regardless of how many times you have been in love. I really don't think its a big deal that she has had 5 exes in her thirties. That is a pretty low number.. Maybe she didn't value herself enough and stayed for the wrong reasons with some of them but that is nothing new. Everybody has done that at some point.

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And I have only been in one serious ltr in my mid twenties so I understand what you mean about wanting something meaningfull and being on the same page but I still think you are being too hard on her and too judgemental.