Struggling for answers about myself...

[J04]

Hi,

I'm here to maybe get some insight from other girls as to why I have acted like I have during the course of this "relationship".

To start. I was 18 and started a new job. I made a fast connection with another girl there and we quickly became best friends. We were both going through some family issues and within a couple months of knowing each other, we got an apartment together. My best friend was interested in a guy and spent a lot of time with him and nights at his house. This left me alone A LOT and although it sucked for a while, I hung in there. Eventually we moved into a nicer apartment, closer to our jobs.

After a couple months of living there, my friend approached me and asked if I would be willing to allow her boyfriend (that same guy), live with us. I agreed. We were all friends, in fact, she met him around the same time as we met. Before they were a couple (and after), we would hang out and all got along pretty well. Time flew by and about 2 years later we decided to all move into a bigger, much nicer apartment. For a long time already we had acted like a family (dinner together everynight, games, drinks, tv, general conversation, etc). Moving into that apartment only brought us closer... it was like a small house and we were a family.

Although they were together for some time, my friend and her boyfriend decided to get married pretty quickly. We lived together for about a year after they were married and eventually I was persuaded by my family to move in with my failing grandmother.

Things never changed with my best friend an I though. We still spent a lot of time together at work, on the phone and hanging out. In fact, to this day, after 10 years, we still work together and are in constant contact through the day. Usually 3-4 nights per week I am at her house and on Saturdays we spend all day and night together.

I had always had a decent relationship with my friends husband. Because my friend and I worked slightly different schedules, there were many years where him and I spent many hours a day together alone. Mostly separate, but we would often chat about life, current events, make dinner together, etc.

Two years ago, him and I went out to get Christmas presents for my best friend. We had dinner, joked and laughed...a good night. On the way home it was pretty quiet (total opposite of the ride there). At one point he put his hand on my knee and eventually he held my hand. I didn't stop him and at one point made a joke along the lines of "aww, you want to hold hands". When we pulled into my driveway he told me he had something to say to me. He said he cared for me a lot and having me in his life and apart of his family was something he could never replace. He told me how he missed all the old times when him and I and the 3 of us would be together. When he was finished, he kissed me behind my ear and told me there was so much more he needed to tell me but couldn't. I was so confused.

Soon after he sent me a text that said he loved me, and that he knew that it sounded wrong but needed to talk. Immediately I called my best friend to tell her about the text and of course she asked (and I told her) about everything that led up to that. I knew it would cause problems, but I felt I had done something wrong and had to tell her. I told her everything, but left out the fact that he kissed me behind the ear. (And that I didn't stop him.)

There was definitely an awkward couple weeks to follow that. Nothing really changed in our relationship, we were back to normal within a few days. My friend and her husband mended their issues and although things were awkward, we seemingly went back to normal with the exception that her husband spent a lot less time in our presence when I was around, and no longer did we chit chat or engage in harmless flirting. (Ie, acting like two people who'd lived in such close contact for a handful of years.) We never actually discussed what happened together... until a few nights ago. I was so confused when my friend approached me and said that the 3 of us needed to talk. The general discussion was that her husband had approached her and said that it hurts him that him and I aren't close. My friend said that she wanted to work on the jealousy issues that this sparked within her, and she wanted slowly for me and her husband to become closer. Admittenly, after this, I shut down and would stop arriving at their house early, stopped replying to even the most mundane texts from him ("Hey heard you were comming for dinner, is pizza good?"), etc.

I'm looking for others perspective, particularly why I chose to leave out the kiss. I love my best friend and would never intentionally do something to hurt her or her relationship. I could have kept this between him and I, but I feel like it was the text message that pushed me to the point of telling her. I mean, what if she saw that message and I hadn't told her. I would have lost my best friend and the only person who I can happily (and do) spend all my time with. But I still don't know why I left out that part. I'm also struggling to figure out why I haven't dated in anyone in my life. Anyone who knows me will tell you that my life goal is to be a mom, have kids and live in a big house. I know I'm pretty, and many people have expressed interest in me and asked me out, but I always decline. Why is it that it's been more than 10 years and I haven't taken a single step to fufill my "dreams"?

I'm so confused.

I know this was a long read and I appreciate anyone who took the time to go through it. I would really respect your opinions.

Thanks,
J04

[basilandthyme]

Given that your best friend knows that things got too complicated between you and her hubby previously, why does she want you both to get back into that situation? Make no mistake, he's still got the hots for you and she's endorsing it.

Do you think the two of them are wanting a polyamoros relationship with you? If so, would you be open to this?

As for why you didn't tell her about the kiss - it's in the past and doesn't matter now. The important part is how you manage the future.

[J04]

Given that your best friend knows that things got too complicated between you and her hubby previously, why does she want you both to get back into that situation? Make no mistake, he's still got the hots for you and she's endorsing it.

Do you think the two of them are wanting a polyamoros relationship with you? If so, would you be open to this?

As for why you didn't tell her about the kiss - it's in the past and doesn't matter now. The important part is how you manage the future.

Hi BasilandThyme,

Thank you for taking the time to read that, and thank you for your intelligent insight. It really made me think.

I'm not exactly sure if that has crossed their minds. However, I did question why he would be willing to potentially throw a wrench into their marriage by coming out with this, and why my friend would even suggest that they have the same conversation with me. It seemed like they each risked a lot to try to make the relationship between him and I better. It's not like we don't talk or interact already, we definitely do. But besides some quick looks or laughs, it's pretty much always in the presence of my friend.

I guess I would have to consider how open or comfortable I would be to something like that. I am comfortable with my body and sexuality, none of that is an issue. Obviously I want to have kids at one point, and a little action here and there wouldn't be bad... but other than that I feel like I have everything I need in life. My friend I know is very self conscious, normal things like her weight and how others perceive her body. Her husband treats her like a queen and constantly compliments her, but being a girl I totally understand. I will admit, over the time we've been best friends, her self esteem has improved by 100%. That confuses me as well. Despite all of this, she's never excluded me from anything they do as a married couple. It would only make sense that by now, especially given these circumstances, I would be pushed out of their relationship. It's been anything but that. In a few months we are all going away for 7 days. They booked it (for me including), without me even knowing. This weekend we are going on a night trip together and all plan on having a good time. Again, it makes me wonder.

Thank you so much for your opinions. They've really made me think. I'm so glad I posted this here.

Thank!

[Nicolelong]

I am curious as well if they are considering a polyamorous relationship. It is not standard behaviour for a wife to learn information like that and then suggest the "interloper" become closer with her husband.

It sounds like you have had a very close bond with this couple for many years, and I think you did the right thing by telling your friend what happened (or most of what happened)

My only concern here is that if you are sure you want a husband and family one day, then it might be time to open yourself up to people outside of them. You deserve to find happiness and romance and live your dreams too. If you spend so much time with this couple, it may put a wrench into your own development. It almost sounds like you three are living for the most part in your own little bubble, and if you are wanting to settle down, this may prevent you from meeting Mr. Right one day

[J04]

Thank you for your response Nicole.

What you say makes sense, and is something I've thought about a lot. I'm not entirely sure why I choose not to spend time with anyone else. I'm friendly with other people my age but just I'm just not interested in the things they do. Boring, I know. Like I said, I do get approached often, but I'm just not interested. I really don't understand myself. I really have no idea what I want.

If my friend was considering the polyamorous thing, I think she would have reacted differently to what happened years ago. She was pretty angry (at him)... although apparently less so that he had the feelings in the first place, and more so that he told me how he felt without telling her. That's how I took it at least. At the same time, I question why she even entertained him bring this up again and then wanting to discuss it with me as well. Like I said, it's not like we were in a bad place... her and I are still best friends and him and I have just been much more casual for the last 2 years. What was there to gain for her? What was there to gain by him?

You are spot in when you call this a bubble, but I really don't know if I want out.

[starbar]

maybe he told her he values your friendship and shes trying to respect that. I think if she knew that this is actually more of an emotional affair where the two of you have gotten too close over the years and hes developed feelings for you that she may not be so calm and understanding..

The same thing would happen if he had an attractive male friend that spent loads of time with them. She would likely start to feel something for him too. men and women are not good at being just friends and boundaries are crossed all the time.

maybe you secretly have feelings for him too if you have never tried to move forward in your life..

I honestly think this situation has become toxic and potentially dangerous to all three of you. distance would be v appropriate right now. Tell her straight you are confused about why she wants you and her husband to be closer and say you don't feel comfortable with that.

three is a crowd. a colleague and his gf moved in with his best friend. all 3 of them lived together for awhile. long story short she had an affair with the best friend. I have heard of this happening so many times