what should I do?

[lobster]

Hi thanks for taking the time to read my post.

So back in September I met this girl. We went out a couple of times there was an instant connection. A complete rarity in the dating world. I was pretty fresh out of a previous relationship and let that horrid experience cloud my judgement. I foolishly backed away. I felt I wasn't ready to jump into another relationship. About a month after I try to reconnect with her but she's still mad at me and blows me off. So I went on a brake from dating for another month. I jumped back in the game and in December I developed a pure "hook up" or "friends with benefits" with a different girl. This lasted for about 5 months or so. So recently I have reconnected with this girl I met in September. I often thought about her especially after another mediocre date. So we went out for the first time since meeting in September. There it was that connection! It was still there mutual with both of us. So we have been chatting and what not laying a foundation for a relationship. During our chat last night she asked me about the time in between September and now. So I told her about this fling. I instantly became the bad guy. She claims that she feels like now she's my second choice. She wasn't good enough the first time. That I really hurt her the first time. I explained to her that I'm not luring her into a trap and i don't want to hurt her. I didn't want to hurt her the first time. Today she's completely ignoring me. I have only tried to contact her once. I'm not going to smother her in attempts to invoke a response. I'm giving her space. But how should I proceed? Should I proceed? I value all your thoughts on this thanks.

[TheEvilJester]

Here's the thing, and you can correct me if I am wrong, but this is the impression I get from your story.....

You did a bad thing and kind of wronged this girl. ....Now, the good news is you didn't mean to do it. You didn't mean to hurt her, you didn't mean to lead her on and then just toss her aside. All the same, the problem with that is A) it still results in the same hurt feelings on her end, and B) how is she supposed to know whether you did it intentionally or not?

Maybe you got back into the dating scene a little too early and you weren't ready? I don't know. But, unless I am wrong, it sounds like your heart was in the right place, so to speak. In other words, it sounds like you sincerely thought you were ready, but it just unfortunately turned out you weren't yet.

When you backed away in the first place, did you say anything to her, or did you kind of just fade away?

Anyway, for now I think giving her space is the right move. If she doesn't get back in touch after a while, I'd say give it a couple more tries. If she sees that you are sincere, maybe she will be able to see giving you another chance. But, if after giving her space and after giving it a few more tries she still seems reluctant, distant, then just let it go. It may be possible she'd have a hard time getting past that and trusting you won't do the same thing again, and you have to understand that. Again, I get that you never meant to hurt her, so I am not trying to blame you or make you feel bad. I'm just saying you have to understand her perspective.

Though, I will caution this.... if you are going to try to pursue her again, make sure you actually are ready to move on this time. You cannot and should not start to go out with her again only to discover then that you are still not quite ready to move on.

On a side note, if she does decide to give you another shot and the topic comes up for discussion, I would say you sincerely explain to her that she's not your second choice at all. That this other woman was never a serious relationship (on your side or hers) and that you both were only ever interested in hooking up. Heck, if it is true you can even admit to her that you sort of regret that and/or that isn't what you want anymore, that you now want a sincere shot at something real and that she was your FIRST choice when you realized that. That you can't guarantee where things will go, but that you think you two hit it off really well in the past and you'd like the chance to see where that could lead.

Good luck to you either way. I think we can all understand how you felt after getting hurt, and how that made it difficult to jump back in there. I hope your honest and innocent mistake doesn't cost your a chance with this gal, but if it does, just know that just means that some other girl is still out there looking for you.

[Wakeup]

You snooze, you lose.

Leave her alone and set your sites on someone else. You're not ready to be in anything serious with anyone right now it would seem.

[basilandthyme]

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Learn it. Remember it.