First Time Posting - Lengthy Post I Apologize In Advance

[MonsterMash87]

My boyfriend and I first met while working together at our previous job. We started hanging out and when I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a relationship ( I had just been through a bad one ) he told me that he didn't want to just be hanging out, that he didn't want to be just friends. We agreed to date and within a few months he had moved into my apartment. We both paid equal rent and bills, everything was split down the middle. Everyone at work thought we were a great couple and seemed to really hit it off. When he first moved in, we of course went through the honeymoon stage. He was very touchy, very affectionate, always complimenting me, always offering to do the dishes or to take the dog or the garbage outside etc. We would sit up all night playing board games or just talking, we would go for random walks with the dog or to get coffee. Things seemed to be going great. In January we found out that our place of business went bankrupt and that we would be out of jobs as of April. A week later he got a new job in his field, paying much much higher.

I'm not sure where it all started to go downhill. Any time we had an issue we would talk it through. We have never had a fight where we are yelling at each other, raising our voices, cursing each other out, putting each other down, etc. The only issues that we seemed to ever have were these:

He likes to smoke pot, and I do not. We discussed this prior to him moving in. He gave me the impression that he was an occasional smoker. I told him that as long as it wasn't in my home or around me where I had to see him being high etc that I would be okay with it. Well for the first few months of our relationship he didn't smoke at all. He said he didn't do it out of respect for me and how I felt about it. But then he started smoking multiple times a week and then daily. He normally only smoked before bedtime but I became increasingly frustrated with him about it. His daily routine would be this: Get up, go to work, come home and plop himself on the couch and turn the playstation on. He would sit and play his game until about 9 or 10pm , then go outside and smoke pot and come back in and continue playing his game until he was ready for bed. Day in and day out. There was never any us time anymore.

We talked about how I felt unwanted, how I felt that he didn't ever want to do anything with me or go anywhere with me. He stopped coming to any family functions. He stopped coming to bed with me. He would come in hours later or fall asleep on the couch.

So the only two problems we really had were him not having his space to do what he wants when he wants, and me feeling unwanted, left out and not important or a priority. I explained to him that there are little things that he can do to make me feel wanted or loved. I would tell him that just by texting me to let me know he got to work safely or texting me when he was done and on his way home, makes me feel good.. and he couldn't even do that.

Fast forward to June. We woke up on June 2, it was a Tuesday. I noticed it was after 7 and he should have left for work already. I asked " are you not going to work" and he said "no". I asked " why not?" and he responded "I'm just not". I knew he wasn't sick, and I immediately felt like something was wrong but I could never have prepared myself for what was about to come. He got up and put regular clothes on and sat on the couch. I was in the kitchen cleaning up and asked if he wanted breakfast and he said no. I asked what he was doing and he said " waiting for you to sit down". I came and sat down, and I had never seen the look on this mans face that was in front of me. He was quiet for a minute and then said " I haven't been happy in a while, and I needed to do something about it. So I found myself an apartment, and I'm moving out today". Before noon he had his stuff and the cat packed and out of the house. There was no warning, this was not something we discussed. There was no fight, nothing to spark it.

I was so angry at first but rather than shout and yell and be mean it was quiet, I cried and helped him get his stuff out. Him leaving consisted of us hugging, holding each other and kissing and saying I love you; then he left. He told me that when he sat me down it was not necessarily his intention to break up with me, more so that he just needed space. He said we were at a place where perhaps the problems in our relationship were happening too soon and that he felt like this was a good move so that we did not end up in a position where we hated and resented each other. I asked him if he would consider staying together and living separately and he told me he would need a few days to clear his head and to consider it. He told me he didn't realize that would be an option, he didn't know it was something I would do. He expected me to react differently to him leaving. He didn't ask for no contact and we were texting later that day. Within a few days he had offered to take me out to somewhere we use to go for dates. We had a good time, he complimented me, we kissed and it was just a good night. We hung out a few more times and everything went perfectly.

So fast forward to the past month and a little bit. There are weeks that sometimes feel like we can never return from this low point ( due to him ) and then there are weeks where it feels like everything is going smoothly. We have made many plans only for him to cancel. One of two things happens. Either he texts me the day of the plans ( usually right before he is suppose to be here, or sometimes after ) to tell me he can't make it because he has a ) had a bad day, b) isn't feeling well or c) too tired. The second thing that happens is he will not text me or call me to tell me he isn't able to make it and then he will not respond to any of my msgs for days at a time. When he does finally get back to me he doesn't mention his reason for not showing or reason for not texting.

I am a person who needs communication everyday. I do not live in a world where it is normal to not talk to your boyfriend for days at a time. I am the type of person who if I haven't seen my boyfriend in a few days/ a week all I want to do is see them. He knows both of these things. He lives 20 minutes away now so when he tells me he is too tired, my feelings get hurt. I can't help but think " its only a 20 minute drive. I'm not asking you to run a marathon after work, I'm asking you to come and sit and relax and have dinner that I've cooked and just talk to me, maybe watch a movie and then you can go home. "

Then there are weeks that seem so perfect but seem to go back to normal. Two weeks ago he asked me if I wanted to attend a concert with him. He had been waiting 15 years to see this band. We went, it was absolutely amazing and we both had a great time. For the next two weeks we were in communication everyday. He was texting me and telling me he loves me, sending me kiss and heart emoticons, telling me he misses me, engaging himself in my life, being supportive, just showing a true genuine interest in the relationship. He even went as far to make plans for a few days after. He ended up canceling those plans but he rescheduled and he did end up keeping those ones. He came over early and I made breakfast, we went out and did a little running around, came back and relaxed for a bit spent some quality time together. When we are together he is very intimate and affectionate the way he use to be when we first got together. Then, we were suppose to have dinner at his house Thursday night. He text Wednesday and asked if we could do dinner at my place instead. I agreed. I cleaned the entire house, showered / shaved / painted nails / etc etc and waited for him to be done work. He was bringing the food and we were going to cook together.. He was suppose to be here for 6 and he text me at 5:40 saying he couldn't make it because he was feeling too emotional and having a bad day. He told me not worry, not to think bad things. That him not coming has nothing to do with him not wanting to see me, that he does not want to see me. He's not emotional because of "us" or thinking bad things about us, he just had a really rough day and wanted to be alone... and I haven't heard from him since then ( Thursday night ). So its now Saturday at 130pm. He finished work an hour and a half ago and still have not heard anything from him..

I guess I just, I don't know what I am looking for here. From an outsider's perspective I can see how one would think this relationship is not complicated. That it is clear to see certain things. And it is so easy for other people to tell me to walk away, but I just can't do that. I do not go into a relationship just to pass time or to have fun. I go into a relationship with the hope / expectation / goal of it turning into something long term. I have invested time and emotions into this person, shared things with this person, been intimate with this person. Plus, throughout his life he has never had anyone fight for him. We have both been married previously. I have committed myself to him, I am not the type to commit and then say this is too hard I am done.

I was angry with him that he canceled on Thursday, but then fought with myself and I was angry with myself for being angry with him. While he does use the excuse of a bad day very often, on the other hand we are all entitled to bad days. We all have them and if I'm going to get mad at someone for having a bad day what does that say about me. I told him I was trying to not take it personally but that when I am having a bad day I want to be near him because he makes it better. He asked me to not think of it as if he doesn't want or need my help. He said he loves when I help him through his bad days, but that night he just wanted to be alone after a long day.

Sometimes when he doesn't text me for a day he will tell me that he turned his game on when he got home from work, got lost in it and then passed out. Most woman may hear this and think " ya right" and I do too at first, but then I think well wait a minute... That is exactly what he would do when we lived together so why would I not believe him that that's what he is doing when he is living alone and has no one to complain about it happening.

He is not seeing anyone else so before anyone suggests that as an option, its not one.

Some people have told me that it seems like he cancels plans and stays distant for a few days as a way to try and convince me to break up with him. They think he just doesn't have the guts to do it. I have given him many outs. I have told him flat out, if this is not what you want; if you do not want to be in a relationship with me then you need to tell me. I told him I'm not going to take a hint or get the message by you being distant and not communicating so either you want this or you don't. And he told me that he was not trying to send any hints or messages.

At this point, I'm really not sure what to make of him. I cannot determine if there are motives behind him being absent for a few days or if this is just how he is. He has always been a quiet person. He usually keeps to himself. He avoids conflict. If he doesn't like something, he changes it.

When I asked him if we could stay together and live separately I knew it would be difficult, but this is not what I imagined in my head or what I told him. I explained to him that I thought this would give us an opportunity to get to know each other better, to not fall into a routine, to have some time apart to miss each other. I envisioned him coming over at the very very least once a week for dinner and then hanging out one day on the weekend. I thought he could come here on a Saturday night ( no work the next day ) and we could hang out , cuddle the night away, have breakfast in the morning and he could go home and be free to play his game or do whatever he wants for the rest of the day. I thought for sure with being separate I would get good morning / good night messages. He does try with the good nights, but it is very rare to get a good morning message.


Am I expecting too much from him by wanting to do these things and see him at least twice a week ? Am I crazy for thinking my relationship is doomed every time he doesn't respond to my text messages in an amount of time that I deem appropriate? I have tried to go the route of not texting him first, letting him come to me, let him make plans with me instead and see if he comes to me or not. But I am not wired that way. If I want to talk to him, I have to text him. I can't just stop myself. It eats at me.

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[Nicolelong]

You are the one that has to live with the consequences of what you do, not anyone else. I understand that you feel like you hope to develop something serious with him, and you don't give up easily. You care about him and that's what makes you give him so many chances.

I think your feelings for him are clouding your perspective of what is really going on here. It sounds like he was losing interest in the relationship for a long time before he actually moved out. He had already scouted, located, and prepared another apartment for him to live in without you. That takes some planning and forethought. Then he literally leaves you on moving day when you didn't see it coming at all. He didn't want to give you the opportunity to communicate, to make things better, to fix things, anything. He fully intended to leave the relationship without reconciliation. You don't move out because you simply need space. You move out when you feel like there's no hope for the relationship and you are moving on. It's a big step.

Instead of accepting that he paved the road for a future without you, you basically convinced him that you would be willing to accept a lesser version of the relationship rather than break up completely. He ditches you again and again, goes for days without contacting you, breaks your dates literally minutes beforehand, and caters to his needs only. I'm sorry, but "I'm too tired" is not a great excuse when you live 20 minutes away and you are just going to be hanging out at home and eating a home cooked meal. It's not like you are asking him to go to a big, energy sucking event. Think of all the time that you put into yourself before a date, just so he can decide last minute that he doesn't feel like it anymore. You can't even get 2 dates a week without pulling teeth for it. That is not a healthy relationship.

You are putting in all the effort and getting little scraps of attention here and there to keep coming back. You are accepting this, so he keeps doing it. He does not sound like he is nearly as into this relationship as you are, and you refuse to acknowledge this out of your feelings for him. You keep focusing on the good things that are coming few and far between, instead of the whole picture. To say you are not getting your needs met is putting it lightly. It's not unreasonable to want to see your boyfriend on a regular basis, or stay in regular contact with him. If this is what you want, he is not the guy for you.

I think you make a good point by saying that you should try to make him come to you instead. I agree. That would be an easy way for him to prove just how much he wants this relationship, and I think you're afraid of what would happen if you followed through. You have been going backwards since he moved out, and I think it would be best for you if you realized sooner than later that this isn't working and it's been time to move on for months.

In the end, it's your choice to see what you want to see and act accordingly. It's you that will deal with the results, good or bad.

[basilandthyme]

You say that there was no warning that he was going to leave. No conversation or fight. But there was actually ample warning - this was the bit where you weren't happy with his lifestyle and you felt neglected. He took away what you were telling him, thought about it and realised that he couldn't give you what you need and moved out. Raising issues doesn't automatically mean that they will be worked on and fixed. Raising issues can also give us pause to recognise basic incompatibilities.

Nicole makes some really good points. I also see you making your standards lower and lower to try and keep him around. You don't like a drug lifestyle, yet he's a stoner. You're feeling neglected, yet you're trying to make do with seeing him a couple of times a week when he can't be bothered.

I suggest you follow his lead. He's doing his best to unentagle himself from his relationship with you. He knows that he's not meeting your needs and is in the process of moving on. It's time to recognise that while you're hanging onto this with your fingernails, he's backing away.

Keep yourself for a man who holds you precious to him. A man who demonstrates how much he wants you. Don't bother with a man who is trying to figure out how to remove himself permanently.