Stupid for feeling like this?

[Anon100]

Hi. Firstly I would like to point out that I am a guy posting this in the hope of getting a woman’s perspective of my situation, if anyone actually reads this too the end!
I got together with my girlfriend around 8 months ago. We have known each other from school, where we dated for a little while, and started chatting after seeing each other on a dating website.
She has two children from her previous marriage of 10 years and I have a child from my previous relationship. We hit it off instantly and because of our past we felt comfortable with each other straight away.
After a couple of weeks of dating I surprised her at her hotel where she was staying whilst working away. That night we agreed to become ‘official’. Which led to her telling me that she now would have to have a conversation with a guy who she worked with that she had been seeing on and off and tell him she had met someone new. I asked the normal questions and she admitted that if he would have left his wife she probably would have been with him by now, and how she really liked him until I came along.
Basically she had been having a physical and emotional relationship with a married man from her work. It had started just before she left her husband. Apparently they were both in bad places and they firstly spoke as friends for comfort before it became more than that. She slept with him the first time at a conference and then came home and told her husband that she wanted a divorce (her previous relationship was not a good one and having dealt and seen her ex I can understand why she would be so unhappy)
So this affair (as he is married too) carried on for around 7 months pretty much up until the day we got together. He apparently was devastated as he told my GF that he was planning on leaving his wife for her.
I thought that I could deal with the situation, and probably could. The issue I have is that my girlfriend works away and goes to conferences at which, he is there. The idea of my GF and him staying in the same hotel on a works event fills me with dread!
So since we have been together for the first five months or so my partner would only stay away one or two nights a month. Generally she would be there on her own. We always skyped just before bed, and we had no issues.
Then around 2 months ago she was at a big event with her work. She rang me and said that she was going for dinner, but that she would be back at about 10 and would skype then. At 1:30 in the morning she text me saying she had just got back, was tired and would speak to me in the morning. I was angry to say the least. I had waited up to hear from her and that was all I had. All it would have taken was a text when she went to the loo or for a cigarette to say, it’s going to be a late one, don’t wait up, speak tomorrow. But I didn’t even get that courtesy.
When she got back the next day I raised it with her and her instant reaction is to get defensive (to any comment you make. I guess its based on her past of being controlled by Ex). Eventually she did admit that it was wrong and she swore that she wouldn’t do that again. I told her that I don’t want to know her every move, but its just a respect thing.
So she has stayed away a couple of times and things have been ok. Then last week, due to her car being stolen I drove her to a conference as a train wouldn’t get her there in time. I worked there all day, we went for dinner and I stayed the night before leaving early the next morning. Whilst at dinner I bought up all of my issues and anxieties about times when she has to work away with him. I explained that even though it was nice to stay with her when she is away (it hadn’t been the first time) it’s a bit rubbish that I have to hide myself away as it feels like we are doing something wrong (I guess we are). She said she could understand and we walked back to the hotel and were having a nice night. Then when we got to the door she said, I bet they are all in the bar! I said do you want me to go first, then if you get caught you don’t have to explain why I’m here and then you can have a drink with them. She said Yes. I felt like complete utter you know what, but still off I walked.
The next day I left and felt pretty rubbish. She rang me at around 6:30 and said that she was shattered and after dinner would be going to bed. I said well don’t make that plan just let me know if you stay out. Again I heard nothing until 2am! She had been out drinking with her team and had left her phone in the room to charge. We had another big argument and she feels like she did nothing wrong. Maybe she hasn’t. But knowing that I struggle with her working away with her affair man and knowing how I had felt literally the day before I guess I felt I deserved at least a text (dinner was in the hotel so she could have popped back to the room).
She has just taken a promotion and now over the next four months is working away or at conferences twice a month, for at least 3 days a time. He will be at most. There is one particular one in Portugal that worries me as I know it will be a four day party in the evenings. She had initially said come along with her, but now she has said that she doesn’t think she could handle having me there the whole time as she would feel split between being with her team in the evening and me. I understand that completely and don’t want to put that pressure on her.
There are some other slight factors I won’t put in here as I’ve written enough. I am 32 she is 31. We have just moved in with each other and our kids worship each other.
Maybe I am just being stupid, but any insight would be muchly appreciated, and any tips on how I get over this as I hate being like it.

[basilandthyme]

I don't know what to say. The underlying problem here is that you don't trust her - but only you can decide whether or not you should have faith in her. It's unfortunate that the two of you have already moved in and had kids meet before all this was worked out. Though for what it's worth, I usually let my hubby off the hook from having to make contact when he's on a conference. I just leave him to have fun with his workmates.

[Nicolelong]

Here are some thoughts from what I've read:

Your feelings are NOT stupid, they are valid. You don't trust her, and I wouldn't either. She has proven herself to be a cheater, adulterer, and had no problem being "the other woman" for 7 months. Being that this man is a colleague, she most likely knows the wife herself as well. That in itself says something about her character. You already know that when there are troubles in her relationships, she has a tendency to look elsewhere for support/affirmation. The fact that this guy works with her and often has overnight trips with her makes him all too convenient for that to happen again.

I had a job where I had to travel for conferences, stay overnight places, etc. At the time, I had a very controlling boyfriend that insisted on staying in contact almost constantly. He even tried to join me in other cities as well. Partners have no place joining their significant other's work conferences. You don't either. It infuriated me because the conferences are also a social networking event, and it's just plain rude to be on your phone to someone else during those times. I definitely wanted to take advantage of the socializing, food, drink, and conversation, and I'm sure she does too.
While she's at conferences, you should expect to have limited contact with her because she will be busy and entertained elsewhere.

HOWEVER, you are 100% right to get upset that you had a Skype date at 10 pm, and she couldn't even be bothered to send you a "can't make it, talk to you later" text that would have taken her 30 seconds. It would have been common courtesy, and saved you from a lot of stress. Sure, she was busy and caught up, etc, and it could have slipped her mind. I'll give her that one. BUT, then the next night she pulls the same thing except worse! She CLEARLY blew you off. If she planned on going to bed after dinner then changed her mind, fine, whatever. But then to drink until 2 am while conveniently "Forgetting" her phone back in her hotel room? Yeahhhhh, right. I'm not buying it. She already knew you weren't happy about her ditching you the night before, why would she then do that, and make it worse? Was there no other phones available for her to shoot you a text from? When she knows you are struggling with her being there with her ex, why not prove you she has nothing to hide?
It says a lot about how much she really values your feelings. She ignores you to spend all night partying with her ex lover and you're supposed to fine with it? An ex lover that she fully admits she'd be with had he finally left his wife?

I'm sorry, but this is an affair waiting to happen. In my own opinion, you shouldn't be trying to suppress your suspicions with her and be asking for advice on how to "not be like this" anymore. I think your instincts are trying to tell you that there's a good reason not to trust her, and it's only going to intensify the more she stays out with him. Listen to your gut.

I agree with basilandthyme (as usual) that it's unfortunate you have moved in with her and kids are involved

[Anon100]

So following on my initial post, I have had a weird week. I agreed after the last argument to get some counselling to deal with my trust issues. Which have been going ok. A lot of my past has been bought up that I never realised were a problem for me before.
Anyway on Wed feeling good from a session I returned home before my GF. I jumped in the shower and whilst in there I heard the doorbell go. Knowing it was probably my GF home I thought it was one of the kids and she would be in the house anytime soon. After about a minute it went again. So thinking maybe it wasn’t her I jumped out of the shower and looked out of the bedroom window to see who it was. What I saw was my GF sat in the car texting away on her phone. With my issues and having just come out of a counselling session this set my mind racing with all sorts of reasons as to why someone would reply in the car instead of waiting to get into the house.
So Wed night wasn’t great. I was trying to deal with it and talk myself down and tell myself it was just my issues and there was nothing in it.
Then yesterday I went out with a friend for a drink and got home at about 8:30pm, to the kids running around and my GF drunk off her face. She started telling me that the stress of us and her work and the kids had got to her. She had her first glass of wine at 2pm and didn’t stop. She then started saying that she didn’t want to be with me and she couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t trust her (not as politely as I’ve put it, but the general gist)
I managed to calm her down eventually and she broke down apologising. Like properly apologising. I said for what? She said for her choices she’d made. That her past had brought us here.
We sat and talked and I told her that this was my issue. That I had broken our trust.
One thing led to another and she is telling me that in fact the affair had started 3 ½ years ago, not 7 months as she had told me previously. She said it was emotional and that they had ‘done things’ but not slept together until December just gone. I told her that she had told me something different to that before and she swore to me that it was December and only the once.
This morning she had sobered up and I asked her to go back over it. She said she had slept with him long before that and what she said was an obvious lie.
She also told me last night that he had text her being flirty just before we had the big argument about it. I asked if she had replied, she said no. I said could I see the text but she had deleted it.
She can’t tell me enough how much she loves me and would never hurt me. That its different with me and that she couldn’t lie to me, but hasn’t she already? I said how would she feel if the situation was reversed and she said she could understand but im going home to her and sleeping in her bed. My thought, not voiced was but you were doing that with your husband for three years! Harsh I know!!!!!!!!
In September she has four days at a conference with him abroad. Fun Times ahead

[Wakeup]

There are some other slight factors I won’t put in here as I’ve written enough. I am 32 she is 31. We have just moved in with each other and our kids worship each other.

Well, how convenient. She has a built in baby sitter while she galavants around the world with her married (ex?)lover. Tell us, has he left his wife yet?

You have good reason to not trust someone who has shown you that she is untrustworthy.