Hopeless romantic VS Emotional blackmail

[TheEvilJester]

(Note: I apologize in advance for the length of my responses, but I can't help myself. I really relate to your story because we seem to be so much alike.)

Oh my God! I swear I am beginning to think you are like some alternate universe me, or something. LOL! I feel you so much, brother! I know, so very much how you feel.

At a time when this girl barely knows you yet, she is already professing a supposed deep and intimate love for you. In your head you know it is too soon to really be in love, but your heart wants that feeling so badly that you almost want to believe it can be true. I know how you feel so much. I've lived with that my whole life as well. The bad news is, it never really goes away, but the good news is that you CAN learn to better understand that in yourself. You CAN learn to allow yourself to enjoy that feeling, while also engaging your sensible side and realizing not to let yourself fall too hard too fast.

I wish I could tell you that transition is easy, but it really isn't. It is worth it, though. I am just like you in this aspect, so I know how hard it can be not to want love so badly you ignore so many red flags, almost to the point where you aren't even noticing them anymore. It's somewhat of a torture because it's like our hearts are constantly looking for that true love, and if you don't learn to control that, that can be dangerous. It can be dangerous because it can cause you to (whether you realize you are doing it or not) force something that is NOT a good relationship at all into being more serious than you should allow because your heart sort of tries to deny the problems.

I don't know about you, but for me it seems like any time I am not in a relationship, I almost always have a crush on some girl. I hate it and love it at the same time. Equally, if/when I am in a relationship, I have a tendency to get too attached, and think it is real love when maybe it is not. Thankfully, through years of life experience, I have learned and grown within myself. I am now aware of how I am and aware that, unfortunately, I will never be able to CHANGE that, but I can and have learned to better control it.

There is part of you that still cares for her because you sort of want to believe that love you thought you had was real. That real, true love feels amazing, and you just want your chance to experience that. I understand that. I know the feeling. The thing is, that sort of true love is something you cannot force. When you try, such as in this situation, you are only going to get hurt. You don't deserve that. Nobody does, but you, my friend, are a rare gem in this world. Your view of love is a rare gift that will some day make some girl the happiest, luckiest girl in the world. You just make sure she is somebody who deserves you. That isn't me telling you to be cocky. Far from it. I am just saying that you deserve somebody who cares for you as deeply as you are capable of caring for her.

You know something else? I don't think it is really all that strange that you were able to have such a deep connection with somebody you've not yet met in person. I do think you should learn a lesson from this experience and learn that a romantic relationship cannot work unless you can be together in person. However, I think the fact that you are capable of that is a good thing, not a bad thing. That is, a good thing so long as you don't let it get too carried away (as you had started to do in this situation, which is not your fault but I feel more hers for playing with your heart). Personally, I am equally capable of forming deep connections with people online, I've just learned through years of life experience that it can only get so deep unless you can actually be in person.

But, I think that is a good quality in both of us. For me, I can form such deep connections with somebody online because, when it comes to finding my true soulmate, I want her to practically be my best friend. I don't really want to just see some random girl I find attractive and ask her out. I'd rather know her first, form a deeper connection, and then ask her out. I sense that you seek out a similar connection. You don't strike me as the numbers type of guy to go around asking out as many women as you can just hoping some will say yes. I think that is a good thing, not a bad thing. You just have to learn to better identify when the person is so very much the wrong person.


She's playing games with your heart. Her throwing this other guy in your face is not right at all. For the sake of discussion, et's pretend even for a second that her intention isn't to play games and give herself an ego boost by having two guys fighting over her. Let's pretend for a second that she sincerely loves you both and cannot decide between you two.... Even if that WERE the case, her actions are still not okay by any stretch of the imagination. Even if that were the case, she'd need to decide and let one of you go. In this case, though, I honestly don't think that is the case. She's playing with you both.

I think it is awesome that you are even concerned for this guy as well. Maybe it is just my opinion, but I think you should just let him figure it out on his own. He probably will anyway. Fact of the matter is, though, if you tried it would very possibly just cause drama you don't need. You run the risk that he wouldn't believe you, wouldn't trust you, and it could just cause problems you don't need in your life.

Anyway, I have to admit, I am taking a pretty specific interest in your story here because you sound so much like me. Sometimes I feel like I am alone in this world, so I really like hearing that I am not. I don't really know if I can help you, or if my thoughts/advice/experiences are at all helpful, but I will definitely try. Good luck to you. As I said before, I sincerely hope you some day soon find a girl who truly deserves the love you are capable of sharing with somebody, and I hope she returns it just as strongly. You rock! I know what it is like having a low self-esteem, so if you maybe can't believe it enough to say it to yourself, I am going to say it for you. You are awesome. You deserve better than that girl. Don't settle. Go out there and find somebody worthy of you.

[soudea]

At a time when this girl barely knows you yet, she is already professing a supposed deep and intimate love for you. In your head you know it is too soon to really be in love, but your heart wants that feeling so badly that you almost want to believe it can be true.

Yeah, that's exactly it... that's why i'm struggling so badly even though i know this is all wrong.
I wanted to believe she actually does mean what she says. (Especially since she insisted and still insists pretty badly, which didn't make it easier).

I know how hard it can be not to want love so badly you ignore so many red flags, almost to the point where you aren't even noticing them anymore.

I noticed all the red flags and they were kept somewhere in the back of my mind, but yes, i still wanted to believe she's serious - i was willing to tolerate anything she throws at me EXCEPT for another guy (but i expected it to happen eventually anyway just not that soon).

I don't know about you, but for me it seems like any time I am not in a relationship, I almost always have a crush on some girl ...

Yeah we are pretty similar : )
I don't know if crush is the right word but if i don't have some girl to at least focus on or try to get close to i feel like something is missing.
I know it's risky so i do try to be careful but in this case she didn't let me, with her being so aggressive and all.

I don't think it is really all that strange that you were able to have such a deep connection with somebody you've not yet met in person.

I have some online friends and they feel just as real as if they were my friends in reality.
Online might be a little different, but it's still real people involved.

I know that romantically at least things can't progress much until you meet in reality - it's possible and it would have been the goal in any other case - but with her and the way she acts it's not a good idea.

I know that being physically there means much more and would have more impact - so i would honestly understand if she left me for a guy who is actually there with her - but the other guy is fully online too.

Let's pretend for a second that she sincerely loves you both and cannot decide between you two....

Yeah i've been trying to pretend and try to figure her out but everything she does is odd.
At first i was worried she may be honest on that and she might choose him over me - but then i realised how ridiculous that is and if it really did happen he would be actually doing me a huge favor.

But that's obviously not the case, she's enjoying playing games with us both.
I think she's not only playing games, but she has issues of her own and she actually believes herself and all her fake drama.

Telling him is out of the question yeah, he might be too effected by her tricks by now.
I was thinking maybe to try and talk to her conscience and convince her to come clean to him but that would be just as impossible.

I don't really know if I can help you, or if my thoughts/advice/experiences are at all helpful, but I will definitely try.

My mind and heart were fighting for a while and i needed to help my mind get a little more support.
I needed to hear it from others so that's why i posted here in the first place.
Thank you for your words.
You are actually helping a lot with your thoughts and advice, thank you very much.
And maybe i am an alternate universe you, you never know haha : P

You are awesome. You deserve better than that girl. Don't settle. Go out there and find somebody worthy of you.

Thank you.. I mean it.
Yeah.. I really do hope i find her one day.

.. all you have to do is end the call. And then block her from calling you back.

Yeah i can hang up and block her but at this point i kind of suspect she might actually believe herself on all that drama and might be a little mentally unstable.
I know at this point i shouldn't really care, but if she really has issues of her own i would be too worried to be cruel to her and rather try to be careful.

[basilandthyme]

Yeah i can hang up and block her but at this point i kind of suspect she might actually believe herself on all that drama and might be a little mentally unstable.
I know at this point i shouldn't really care, but if she really has issues of her own i would be too worried to be cruel to her and rather try to be careful.

Just a quick comment from me. Enforcing our own personal boundaries is not cruelty. Cruelty is more about intention to hurt someone. Don't ever drop your boundaries because you fear hurting someone - because the result is that YOU will be the one who is hurt.

If she does get upset and has issues resulting from you having boundaries, then she can turn to her boyfriend for comfort. It's not like she's alone.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, that's exactly it... that's why i'm struggling so badly even though i know this is all wrong.
I wanted to believe she actually does mean what she says. (Especially since she insisted and still insists pretty badly, which didn't make it easier).

I hear you on that. Even though your intellectual mind knew that it was too soon for somebody to be that in love, knew that something just didn't seem right, you can't help that the things she said, the way she acted (at first, that is) are the things you want so badly. It's a battle between the mind and the heart, because deep down it feels like the things you've wanted so badly, yet your mind knows that it seems too good to be true.

I've been there. I think we all have, but for peeps like you and I, it is practically a million times worse. I wouldn't be surprised if she somehow figured that out about you and knew she could use that to her advantage. I think she knows that all of this lovey dovey talk tugs right at your heart-strings, and she is using that.

The good news is, it sounds to me like you are starting to lean towards the right decision. I know at this point, your heart is still fighting you somewhat. I know exactly how that feels. So, there is still part of you now that does wish her "love" could be real, but I think it sounds like you are more getting to the point where you are understanding there is nothing real about her and that you are so much better off without her.

Even after you remove her from your life completely, it will take a little time for you to completely get over her. But, before you know it, you'll be looking back and thinking to yourself "What the HELL was I even thinking? That chick was a TRAIN WRECK!" Trust me, I know from experience. You will be okay. Furthermore, don't let her, or others like her cause you to become jaded. You have a rare gift that you will some day share with an amazing girl who will deserve you. Don't cheat yourself of that, and don't cheat that mystery girl of you by allowing the scum of this world to close up your heart. That is spoken from a fella who has closed his heart off once or twice in my life, and trust me, it sucks.

I noticed all the red flags and they were kept somewhere in the back of my mind, but yes, i still wanted to believe she's serious - i was willing to tolerate anything she throws at me EXCEPT for another guy (but i expected it to happen eventually anyway just not that soon).

Exactly. Unfortunately, that's what we do to ourselves, guys like you and I. Either we don't notice the red flags, or we do but we keep trying to push them to the back of our minds and convince ourselves things like "No, I'm just over-reacting." Or "Sure, these are issues, but all relationships have issues. This isn't a reason to end things." Stuff like that which could be true in a different situation, but we overdo it because we are loyal guys who believe in true love even if we only ever seem to have the worst of luck in trying to find it ourselves.

I'm a lot like you in this way too. Once somebody is one of my peeps, it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to lose me. I am fiercely and unbreakably loyal. You basically have to TRY to lose me as a friend. All of that goes about a million times for my girlfriend/fiance/wife if and when I ever have one. All the same... I DO have a breaking point, and far too many people in my life time have found it. I think what both you and I need to learn, my friend, is to have a more reasonable breaking point. I know I put up with way more than I should when I thought I saw something in a person that originally made me want them in my life. I see you do the same, at least when it comes to love. Hopefully, in the end, this can be the example you need to learn to better balance that. I've often heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason. Some come to stay, some come for a little while, some are in and out pretty quickly. In this case, I think she came into your life to show you an extreme example of the kind of person you do NOT want or need in your life AT ALL.

If I can say nothing else for my mistake of a relationship, I can say this..... Freeing myself of that relationship made me realize I deserved so much better. In turn, realizing I deserved so much better made me realize I wasn't such a bad guy after all. I really never had much of any self-esteem at all. I did not think very highly of myself. Getting out of that relationship actually helped kick start me into building an actual self-esteem for the first time in my life. These days, I've had to begrudgingly acknowledge that I am actually a pretty good dude, and that any girl would be lucky to have me. That didn't come to me easily. And that isn't to say I am cocky. I still realize that I am just a person. I'm not cocky, I just now, for the first time in my life, am able to see myself through the eyes of all the people who care about me. Friends, family, etc. I realize that if all these good people seem to think I am such a good dude, that I must have been wrong about myself.

Now, my friend, is the time for you to start to realize those kind of things about yourself. Get yourself free of her, and begin to acknowledge to yourself that you deserve better than her. And, by extension, if you deserve better than her, then you must be a good dude to deserve better. It won't be easy at first, but it is so worth it.

Yeah we are pretty similar : )
I don't know if crush is the right word but if i don't have some girl to at least focus on or try to get close to i feel like something is missing.
I know it's risky so i do try to be careful but in this case she didn't let me, with her being so aggressive and all.

Wow. That is too funny. I swear, it is almost like those words came from me. I know just what you mean. It is weird, and I kind of hate it and love it at the same time, but somehow I too feel like something is missing in me when I don't have some kind of a crush. And, yeah, I call it a "crush" for lack of a better term. In reality, I don't really full on crush on somebody unless I know them well enough to think they are actually a good match for me. I just don't know what else to call it, but I do always seem to have at least one girl who is the focus of my current "crush." Either a girl I know well enough to actually want to possibly date her, or a girl that seems like somebody I want to get to know better. Don't get me wrong, I'm reasonable about it. Like, I don't think some random girl on the train I've never even talked to is my soulmate when we've never even said a word to each other. However, that random girl may be somebody I noticed who, for whatever reason (that often even I cannot explain to myself) strikes a particular chord with me and I want to get to know her better. Strangely enough, when I don't have somebody like that to focus on, I can be perfectly happy and content in and of myself, but it still feels almost empty, like something is missing. Almost like it feels like my purpose in life (or, I think more accurately, PART of my purpose) is to be able to share that love I've wanted so badly with somebody who will deserve it and return it. I probably sound bizarre, insane, but I can't help how I feel. Believe me, I'd turn it off if I could. I get just how you feel in this situation. Your words might as well be coming from my mouth. ....Err... or I guess my fingers in this case. LOL!

Anyway, believe me, some day you will find the right girl who will deserve all of your love, and who will give it back as well. Do not allow yourself to settle for somebody who pretends to be that, but is not... in this case so blatantly and obviously not. It feels good in the moment to think you have that love, but in the end it would just end in pain and heartache.

I'm grouping the rest of your passages into one quote because I don't necessarily have much more to add to each one, but more so just overall.

I know that romantically at least things can't progress much until you meet in reality - it's possible and it would have been the goal in any other case - but with her and the way she acts it's not a good idea.

I know that being physically there means much more and would have more impact - so i would honestly understand if she left me for a guy who is actually there with her - but the other guy is fully online too.


Yeah i've been trying to pretend and try to figure her out but everything she does is odd.
At first i was worried she may be honest on that and she might choose him over me - but then i realised how ridiculous that is and if it really did happen he would be actually doing me a huge favor.

But that's obviously not the case, she's enjoying playing games with us both.
I think she's not only playing games, but she has issues of her own and she actually believes herself and all her fake drama.

Telling him is out of the question yeah, he might be too effected by her tricks by now.
I was thinking maybe to try and talk to her conscience and convince her to come clean to him but that would be just as impossible.

I think people are overly sensitive to the "stigma" about meeting people online. People almost act like it isn't real or cannot lead to a real friendship/relationship/whatever. I will say this, a romantic relationship cannot live solely or even primarily online. I think friendships can. Some of the best friends I've ever had are people I've met online and have unfortunately never been able to meet in person because we live too far away. However, a romantic relationship requires being together. Don't get me wrong, I think it is okay for it to start online, but it really shouldn't progress very far until it becomes something real and in person. For her to be professing her love and acting like she was crazy about you before you two could even be physically together was wrong of her. You should have seen right through that, but trust me, I know how badly you can want it to be real. She likely saw that in you and used it to her advantage.

Honestly, if she did choose the other guy over you she would be doing you a huge favor..... but honestly you should just do YOURSELF the favor of leaving her in your past. You deserve better, and you aren't going to find better while you keep letting her tug the right strings in your heart.

As basil said, and I agree with her fully, it is not and cannot be your problem to worry about her mental stability or lack thereof. You have gone above and beyond in hopes of not hurting her feelings and she is not getting it. You've politely told her to take a hike and she's not getting it. You've done your part. Go cold turkey. Do not contact her, do not answer her if she contacts you. Anywhere you can, block her. I understand how you feel, and it is awesome that you still care about her feelings after all this, but you need to care about you. Let her deal with her own problems. If it effects her THAT badly that you leave her behind, then that is her problem to deal with. You just worry about healing yourself from this experience, and then get back out there and find the awesome girl that deserves an awesome guy like you.

Once again, good luck to you, my friend.