Dating a man with an ex wife and kids...

[Helpseeker]

I have been dating a guy for over a year now and I can't seem to cope with the fact that he had a life before me that involves an ex wife and two kids. I absolutely adore his little girls and we have a great relationship, as well as a great family dynamic at our home. However, I'm 23 and am new to dating someone that has been married before. In my past relationships, there was a ton of infedilty and I was taught that keeping in touch with exes is terrible and leads to infedilty, so coming into a relationship where my new guy has to keep in contact with his ex wife for co-parenting purposes causes me great anxiety. Not to mention that the ex wife is constantly making passive agressive remarks toward me to remind me (as if I need a reminder) that they are their kids and that she knows my boyfriend extremely well and basically anything else she can throw in my face to try and piss me off. I have issues with trusting people because of my past and I also have trouble with insecurity, so it's the perfect storm and causes a lot of issues between me and my boyfriend. He is the most faithful and loyal man I've ever been with and he is definitely who I want to spend my life with, but if I don't find a way to cope with the fact that he had a life before me and that now he has to communicate with his ex for the children's sake, I'm going to ruin the great thing that we have going. Anyone have any advice on how to cope and get past my insecurity in this situation?

[smarta$$]

In my experience, the only "cure" for insecurity is TIME. You need time to develop trust, strength, maturity, and wisdom. You can't rush that, and it's only been a year. I suggest that if you intellectually KNOW he is trustworthy, you fake your level of confidence until you acquire it.

In other words, just because you have a feeling, that doesn't mean you have to act on it. Just keep it to yourself. In time, you will become better at it.

[Salty88]

I commend you on that because that whole situation sounds really hard. Can't ask him to stop seeing the ex because of the kids.
I would ask him to have a stern conversation with the ex about how she treats you. You all know the ex isn't going to disappear because she is the mother, but he can at least ask her to please be more polite. Saying all those things to you is only going to drive you away. He needs to realize that and try to defend his relationship with you a little. If he really cares about your feelings, he can at least try to get this ex of his to be civil. What her deal anyway? Does she still want him or something? What's the point in driving you away? Sounds a little selfish on her part if she just wants both you and your man to be alone and miserable.

[Wakeup]

You know you would think that since you have issues with past boyfriends keeping in touch with their ex's... the last person on earth you would date would be an ex husband with children. Why didn't your flight response kick in to protect you? Why didn't you listen to your gut and leave a man that you KNEW you would NOT be able to trust. Why did you not stop seeing him and find a boy that actually was never married and who did not think that keeping in touch with an ex was a good idea?

I highly recommend that you go to your school psychologist (if you are in Uni) and start some sessions to help you over come your past relationships. If you are working then see if your company benefits plan will cover counselling sessions. You need to build on your personal boundaries and learn to stop ignoring your gut for men. When you have good boundaries in place, the last person you would find (even the least bit) attractive would be a divorced man with children. You're 23... How old is he?

[Helpseeker]

Thank you for your advice. I just need to "fake it til I make it", which sounds way easier said than done. I think you have a point though. The best thing to do right now is probably to give it time and try not to act on all of my feelings.

- - - Updated - - -

The situation is pretty difficult. I may try talking to him to see if he can talk to his ex about being more civil, but I don't want to create too much conflict. I think she only acts petty because she's threatened to have another woman around her kids, which I totally get. However, I have done all that I can to show her that I respect her role as their mother.

[smarta$$]

I would ask him to have a stern conversation with the ex about how she treats you. Saying all those things to you is only going to drive you away.

Seriously? I think calling attention to the fact that the ex bothers you is just going to fuel her fire, and driving away the girlfriend of the father of her children sounds like a WIN to me.

The world of divorce and broken families is a very ugly place. There is no room for pollyanna thinking.

[basilandthyme]

I'm also chiming in with thoughts on they way his ex treats you. I think he should have recognised on his own that the way she treats you is unacceptable and said something. The fact that you have to point it out to him is alarming.

[Nicolelong]

She is probably just as threatened by you as you are by her. It takes a lot of maturity to endure a situation where the ex is always in the picture, and you might not be there yet. It was not the best idea to get involved in a situation where you are directly in conflict with the same issues you struggle with.

Don't engage her, don't act threatened by her. She is trying to throw you off and assert her dominance in the situation, which to an extent is understandable. She's their Mom, and she wants you to be well aware of where you stand. If you confront her or be rude back, it will give her ammunition to act even worse. Don't stoop to her level or make things worse, or it will come back on their entire family.

You are in a very difficult position. He can't get rid of her, or make things hard with her because of their shared children. Can you handle that?

[TheEvilJester]

Seriously? I think calling attention to the fact that the ex bothers you is just going to fuel her fire, and driving away the girlfriend of the father of her children sounds like a WIN to me.

The world of divorce and broken families is a very ugly place. There is no room for pollyanna thinking.

I can agree with you on that. All the same, I do actually agree with the idea that he should talk to the ex about being more respectful to his current girlfriend. The thing is, he shouldn't pose it as though it bothers HER, he should pose it as though it bothers HIM. Even if it is a little white lie, who the Hell cares? In my opinion, he should just blatantly say to the ex "My girlfriend understands the situation, and doesn't let it bother her, but it bothers ME that you would treat my girlfriend with such disrespect and I would appreciate it if that would stop. I consider that a personal insult against me. I understand how you feel with our children, but I ensure you I wouldn't let just anybody around our kids unless they were somebody for whom I really cared." Anyway, something along those lines.

Back to the OP,

As others have said, if you have had past issues with exes you couldn't trust, then getting together with somebody who HAS TO keep in touch with his ex due to children was likely not the best idea. But, hindsight is 20/20 and, honestly, you can't help with whom you fall in love. If you had passed on this guy just because of that, maybe you'd have missed out on somebody who will turn out to be your true soulmate. So, now that you feel like this is the guy you want, as others have said, time is really all that will cure this for you.

In time, he should hopefully prove to you that he is NOTHING like those losers you dated in the past who tricked you into thinking they were good people only to turn around and hurt you. He will prove to you he is trustworthy, and that he deserves you. Then, in time, you will have no reason to doubt that.

Good luck to you. I hope everything works out well.